Monday morning has rolled around again and I woke early and got up early. As usual anxiety has woken me in part. As I lay in bed earlier I’ve realised I’ve had a mixed mini high for at least 2 or more weeks and as usual a lot of that time seems a bit blurry, kind of like I’d stayed up late and watched a film whilst extremely tired and although I know I’ve lived through it it’s all a bit blurry. I hate it when I’m not noticing it because I’ve spent the last year trying to notice the triggers and warning signs and to be prepared but still it sneaks up on me. I should of known because of starting to live on facebook again, which I’ve deleted, and getting too involved in being online. I’m glad I’ve deleted my account or ‘deactivated’ it. It all gets too much. I get too involved in other people’s lives. I need to become a hermit. To retreat into myself again. I’ve lost track of some of my goals already, although I can see where and can maybe find my way back on my path again. Why don’t I see the warning signs? Also I think they crept in differently this time because there was no ‘orange flag’ warning from my wife either. I think she has to put up with too much most of the time from me let alone dealing with the kids etc. Having just realised all of this I’ve also realised how I manage normal everyday life while it’s ongoing. I mean I’ve even arranged changing our mortgage and consolidating debts while away with the fairies. Well done me I say! I’d be fucking awesome if I were fully in control ALL of the time.
Yesterday we had a family lunch. I say family lunch but what I mean is lunch with my wife’s family. It was the usual kind of thing. My mother in law got frantic about doing all the cooking. Which she always does. My kids felt edgy because they feel they have to comply a fair amount to things. My son really struggles with the whole ridgity of the situation. So usually he starts to wind his sister up. He’s 11, shes 9. Anyway after we had eaten my son was bored and awkward to be honest and he had carried on being a bit tricky. I’d been playing a game of Chinese chequers with my wife and near the end of one of the games we noticed one of her counters missing. He laughed because he had sneaked it off the board while we were playing right in front of us. So that leads me to the next ‘situation’. A situation that can happen at times. One that involves my father in law and even before this I’m already feeling angry all over again! Well my father in law started playing the game with my wife and my son interfered a bit with their game. My wife was dealing with it when my father in law aggressively grabbed my son by the wrist, yanked at him, threatened to hit him and had actualy made a fist with his other hand. He told him if he interfered with the game again he would hit him and he would do it even if my wife wouldn’t like it. I sat there close by and I don’t know how I sat still and bit my tongue but I nearly, and SHOULD of, got up and interveined and said something. My heart was pounding and I was so angry I was physically shaking. I know that it’s been years since I’ve been that angry and I know that had he not of been 80 and it not of been a family situation things would of been VERY different. It’s not the first time he’s threatened him either it’s happened a few times. In the past when my son was about 5 and we were staying in a caravan my father in law called by and there was a situation and he threatened to kick my son. To say I’m not happy is an understatement. He and my mother in law divorced years ago and the last two nights he has stayed at ours but in all honesty I don’t want him here. He can fuck off. My wife doesn’t like it either but she’s affraid to talk to him about things. I have told her if it happens again I won’t hold back and I will put him in his place family get together or not. My wife nearly interveined yesterday but didn’t want to cause a scene either. Well next time, if there is one, he will get told in no uncertain terms ‘ you won’t hit him and if you do you’ll be in serious trouble!’ Just thinking about it all has made my blood boil. I’ll not pussy foot around any longer. I’ll defend my kids.
Right I better go and get today started.