Realisations

I’m high. I’ve been high for over a week now and it’s getting to feel good but it’s a struggle too. I’m at the agitated stage where people easily piss me off. I’m finding others too slow, too needy, to loud, too much.  I’ve realised that often when I’m high I’m not writing as much down here either. I guess I gloss over the cracks. I’m feeling like life isn’t real and that I’m in a game. I’ve got to figure out who’s trying to help me and who is trying to hinder me. I’m not sure who to trust at the minute. My wife seems like she should have my best interests at heart but I feel like she pushes and pulls at me. I know she reads this and will feel bad but I’m just trying to put it all down. I feel others do this too. They put or push their ideals onto me, well fuck it its my life. It’s for me to live. I don’t need telling what to do or think.  I might as well just shut down again because as much as people say they want to listen what they really want to do is have ammunition to criticise the fuck out of you.   People can fuck off because they piss me off. They can be so pretentious.  I hate it. Maybe they see me that way but I just try to be who I am and fully myself.  Back on the treadmill today as usual. Put the jolly mask on and go prostitue myself for money for my business.  What most people don’t see is that the clown or joker can be all smiles but screaming inside. ROAR. Everything is too loud. I’ve had some halucinations this last week too. I daren’t tell too many people though because they either think I’m a fucking nutter or they don’t take any notice. I think I really do need to go back to the doctors. Although they’re useless wankers too. Fuck everyone. I’m going to be who I am and proud of it. And still I keep even more inside. Tick tick tick. 

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