Thursday 28th may

It’s already Thursday and tomorrow is the funeral. I’m not sure how I feel. The grave will be dug today. I need to write some things down for the vicar to read out at some point today. I’ve avoided it, like I do most things in life when feeling low or like this. Where to start ? I guess I need to start at his birth and go from there.  I’m vague about it all. Not the details but my head, my mind. I keep glazing over. im not sure why I feel like this because from what I’ve read and understood of Buddhism then I should be able to let go of emotion and feeling. Maybe I’ve not got as far as I think at times. I guess it’s best not to guess. It is what it is and that’s that.    

My head is a bit all over the place. I just want to go away. Far away. Start all over again. I figure that must of been how my mum was because she moved away and started again. Maybe she did have her own stresses and shit going on. I’ll never know. I can only guess. I need to let things go I know that much. It’s funny about wanting to get away because last night I was feeling like I needed to build bridges again with family. That I needed to maybe forgive others for things.  Up and down I go like a yoyo. I’m still trying to work out where I fit into everything these days. Death, what a strange thing you are. We don’t know what comes after life until we die. Maybe it’s something so fantastic. Maybe we are aliens in a huge virtual reality world and at death we just take off the mask or whatever and say ‘wow that’s a good game’ and carry on living our alien lives. Maybe we get born again in this world after a time. Maybe there’s nothing. A nothing that we don’t even know about so it’s pain free. Who knows? Only the dead I guess.  I’m starting to wonder about my own mortality now too. I’m wondering who I really am. Mostly I disgust myself but yet I kind of love myself too. Fuck knows. 

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