Where am I headed?

I think I might be heading unwell.  I’ve not been at my best for a couple of weeks. Mild depression. I’m trying to keep going.  I’m being pushed and pulled.  I’m trying to do right by and for others but it never works.  I’ve thought about a few things and ways out. I’m constantly tired and I’m worn out and had enough of lots of things.  I need some serious head space. I need to work through so many things. So many things right from childhood.   It might just be a blip. I’m sure ill be ok as I always have to be.

 I saw my cpn at my home 2 weeks ago and then last week I saw the psychiatrist and my cpn tighter on Thursday then I saw my psychologist on Friday. Psychiatrist said I can reduce medication soon. Psychologist said I continue to throw surprises her way and that I had really shocked her at the previous visit when she asked if I ever have thoughts of suicide and I explained how often. She told me I’m high risk.  I guess everything I do in life has a risk.    

I’ve had chest pains in the night.  Maybe someone’s slowly killing me.  I’ve wondered about how I’m affecting my children and about how they will cope.  I think my wife wants me dead.  I can’t explain anything to her.  I have no friends anymore either.   I’m told I can phone the hospital at any time. I’m not sure how bad I’m supposed to be before I phone them so how do I know?  Also I guess it will be marked down and show that I’m not coping at times? A black mark perhaps?    

So much I could say or write but I’m not sure I should and I’m not sure it’s the right place.  

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