I woke about 5am this morning even though it was after 11:30pm when I went to sleep. I did go back to sleep but in the brief moment of being awake I remembered, maybe I woke from, strange dreams. Things out of my control but I couldn’t let them go. All very odd. I’m trying to only control what I can in life and let everything else be as is. In that moment of wakefulness I also felt compelled to come downstairs and go outside somewhere and kill myself with a rope. I’ve no idea why. Maybe this is tied to stoicism. The ideas in it are to meditate on ones death and on things that we don’t own or cannot control. Maybe this makes some sense. Luckily I didn’t act on or take the ideas and thoughts of suicide seriously. I need an early night tonight. I’ve showered early tonight. We will eat soon too. I must go to bed early and read or study and not go on Facebook, yes I’m back on there yet again.
Today has been a tricky day at work. My customers are lovely people but a few things took longer to get done today than I had hoped. They knew it had been frustrating for me and we had a nice chat before I left and they gave me a bottle of wine. They know I don’t drink as such but wanted to give me something nice and I might have a half glass. Maybe today’s frustrations were due in part from tiredness and also my dream and suicide ideation. Hmmmm