After waking up a little earlier than usual with some anxiety I put it behind me hoping to have a good day today. The sun is shinning and the weather is really nice. Good start so far.
We picked up the materials that we needed only to arrive at the job and realize that I had forgotten something, so I got in my van to pick up what was needed only to drive a few short miles and my van overheated….I managed to get off the side of the road. I sat there thinking why? Why ? Why is it every time something starts OK it has to screw up?
Sitting there my mind started to race so much that I felt horrendous and I managed to get picked up and am now waiting for it to get recovered. It feels like every time something goes OK or starts to something comes along and throws me right off where I feel I should be and I can`t control my thinking at all. It a huge struggle to keep my head above water. I`m sitting in my office having done no work as such today when it looked like a really really good day ahead. I`m waiting to get a call about the recovery of the van and Can`t slow my thinking at all. I would try to meditate but I know I`ll just end up more frustrated. My head feels like my brain has swollen to twice its normal size and I am tense to the point of feeling like I could easily go and break something..Maybe I need to get the punchbag out later.
I wish I could write exactly how it feels to think that everything is going wrong and that it feels like you are being punished constantly.
When things are going well I feel really good, really confident and can get too confident. I start to feel immortal and I feel like I can do everything and anything in the world.
One thing that has helped me to start to get a grip on my mind is meditation, another is brain training. I use Lumosity everyday and subscribed to their brain training program so that I can chart my progress. I use it on my laptop and my smart phone. The games seem a little simplistic but they increase the workload as you go along and It helps me to see that I`m helping my brain too. You can find it here www.lumosity.com
Meditation is the biggest key to being able to calm the mind and start to try to understand oneself. I have meditated for over 20 years now and I personally think that over the last 2 years it has helped get me through some really rough times. I have tried and use varying methods from Tibetan Buddhist to Taoist ( they crossover lots) to simply sitting still and allowing things to just do what they need to whilst my body has a chance to relax and release the tension that it is under.