I’ve woken up feeling a little unwell. My focus is a little bit all over the place, my throat is sore, my chest is a bit phlegmatic and I feel a little weak. Mentally I’m ok so far. I get the occasional wobble but so far so good.
It’s the start of another day. Life is good. I’ve meditated after having done my morning ritual. I have a busy day ahead. I had feared that my mood was changing the last couple of days so I took it a little easy. I’ve gone to sleep a little later than usual and woken earlier too. The last two nights my children have called me too and broke my sleep. They’ve not been feeling well. They’ve both had tonsillitis.
It’s 7 am. What does that really mean? Are we a race of beings who constantly needs to measure things? We certainly seem to be. Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades, millennia and so on. Science looks to have measurements too. It wants to measure the universe. What does it really mean when it’s 7 am? Have we lost touch with the natural world? We work unnatural hours quite often because a clock or the time dictates it and through this we have placed a value, a monetary value, on time. Time cannot be bought back with all of the money in the world. Once time has passed its gone forever only to become a memory.
What’s a memory really? Two people remember the same events differently too. Is it simply a chemical exchange within the physical brain? Are memories really stored in the brain? What about the conc
It’s Wednesday 19th November and 40 years ago today I tore my way into this world. I’m reminded of a talk or lecture given by Alan Watts in which he says ‘imagine going to sleep and never waking up, that’s death, but imagine waking up having never gone to sleep. That’s when you were born.’ That’s something to think about isnt it, waking up having never gone to sleep? What of death? Do we just go? Do we go to sleep and never wake up? Or do we just leave our bodies and enter a new one, do we wake up having never gone to sleep as it were? Lots to ponder on.
I feel pretty calm this morning but I awoke earlier than usual. My alarm clock isn’t set to go of but it makes a gentle ‘click’ noise at about 6 am when the hands align with where the alarm hand is. Normally I’m asleep then but this morning I was awake a bit before that. I lay in bed quietly relaxing for a short while before getting up.
I’ve realised I got a little high last night. I had a drumming lesson and really enjoyed it but I sense I went a little high. It affected my ritual last night through lack of concentration, so I cut it short. I came in and went to bed and read for a short while before carrying on with my ritual in a medicine state in bed, in the astral if you like. My wife was watching something on her iPad in bed, normally she would be asleep, and that too affected me. The noise and voices from it seemed extra loud. I felt hyper sensitive to it. I must keep a close eye on myself and listen out for any changes in my moods. I have a slight idea what might of affected me but its work related. The last few days of last week I had headaches when I got home, well yesterday I noticed and heard that upstairs where I’m working there are electric devices to repel mice and bats. They should be beyond our hearing frequency but I could hear one of them at least. I think I’ll turn them off today and see how it goes. I was working right beside them. If I’m right it could be a big relief to my head but also it’ll be interesting to think how many other electric devices might affect people’s moods. We are surrounded by electricity fields of energy all the time, radio waves too. I’d better not think about that too much for now.
It’s Monday morning and I’m rearing to go. I’m feeling pretty good. I need to get a plan of action in place for the next two weeks but that’s easy enough. I’ll know more after today though. Things are moving into a better place for me. Work is much more manageable and I’m telling customers how busy I am and being realistic. They seem happy enough with that too. I guess if they can’t wait they will use someone else. In the past that would of got to me and I would of worked myself into illness trying to keep everyone happy. I can’t do that anymore because it affects me for weeks or months or longer still. I need to be at my best for everyone, myself included. I’m almost 40, in 2 days time, and I have to take my mental health seriously now and my business too. I’m even starting to get interested in investments and savings…I must be getting older! Looking after my future is also looking after my family’s future too.
It’s often this time of year that I get extremely anxious and overworked. Often I used to start drinking more coffee and energy drinks too as well as eating chocolate bars and sweets to spike my energy to get me through. I’ll not do that again because the crash afterwards has always lead to physical and mental illness. It’s fruit tea and good rest for me now.
Yesterday I had a trigger which I didn’t even realise until later last night. Early yesterday afternoon we went to a craft fair and saw friends there who I hadn’t seen for a year or so. It was strange but I didn’t realise that it might be a trigger. The craft fair was in a small village hall. The first time I went to go in with my wife I backed out and said I’d stay outside with the children, who were playing outside on the play area. I said I didn’t want to pay £1.50 to go in, which was a bit of an excuse. It looked crowded and it made me feel a little edgy to say the least. I went back outside to the children but after a while they argued a bit and I said we should go in and find their mum. Once in the hall it wasn’t as bad as I thought. I saw our friends and my son and I had a chat with the guy who we are friendly with. He’s a black smith and had a stall there, my son is interested in being a black smith too. All was ok but the guy said I looked well. I said I’d been working out again etc. The conversation went on a bit more. He said something like ‘well you’re alright you’re still standing’. I think he knows I’ve had some issues at work but I’m not sure if he knows about my issues I’ve had with my mind. I didn’t quite know what to say. Should I say about my mind or not? Should I ask if he knew because some people don’t like to know about stuff like that. Anyway I knd of tied myself up in knots over it a bit with not knowing.
When we got home we were all a little tired but even so I felt edgy and moody. I felt silly for feeling moody which didn’t help then my thoughts started racing with paranoid thoughts. It took a while to straighten out. I’m just shocked it had or has affected me as much as it did. I guess that’s the nature of it. My instinct was saying not to go there. In a way I wish I’d of taken notice but in another way I’m glad I didn’t because I now know that unexpected things can trigger me off and I can deal with them after a short few hours. A few hours dealing with them is ok by me considering before now I’ve taken days or weeks. I’ve also realised my biggest trigger, possibly what really started everything coming out, was my mums illness and then her death. That’s something I’m still dealing with even now. I avoid people who remind me of her or who also affected me following her death through their actions. It’s meant I’ve cut people out and I’m not sure if that is good or bad because am I looking after myself by cutting them out or am I avoiding dealing with things? It’s all a journey I guess. It’s all part of who I am right now and where I’m at but it doesn’t mean I can’t change it when I want to.
I’ve been reading about how we have set points in our minds in life. I’ve realised that I’ve built upon mine the last few years and all my life in some ways. A set point is where our subconscious feels we shouldn’t go past. It can be any level of life from how far up one feels that they should go in a work setting or any setting in life. If someone from a working class background exceeds the social limits that are normally subconsciously placed on them then they’ve moved their set point. If a person feels they shouldn’t go for a promotion at work because it’s ‘above’ them then they’ve found a set point. We all make excuses for all number of things. Some say that they’re not materialistic so they kind of plod through life, which is more than fine as long as they’re happy, but still live within the consumer world. True non materialism could be seen as being a monk or nun or a wanderer of no fixed abode. We all have set points and some are there for the greater good. Imagine if every time someone annoyed is and we acted violently towards them, that wouldn’t be good. So it’s good to have certain set points, but it’s also good to try to be aware of those subconscious set points that might hold us back from doing what we really want to. I mean how many doctors had parents who were doctors? Or teachers who’s parents were teachers? My father was a builder and my grandfather on my mums side too! I never wanted to be a builder. I wanted to be a professional bodybuilder but I likited myself and couldn’t break my set point with certain things to do with bodybuilding, one of which was I wouldn’t take steroids. I’m just glad I’m reaching a level in life now where, mostly, I’m not afraid to deal with things and I’m starting to realise how much I restrict myself. It’s like an opportunity where one man sees how it can go wrong badly but another sees how to make it work really well by weighing up everything including the downsides. Life is there to be lived but also understood and understanding oneself fully takes a LOT of work and a lot of self honesty and self discovery. It’s always ongoing too because we change our barriers the more we move forwards. Once started its a great ongoing journey with moments of bliss and fear too but everything usually hasa way of working out.
The last Few days I’ve sat down to write this blog and have wondered what I will write and how I feel and have thought I’d struggle to put anything down but I think that has actually helped me to open up even more. I could of just not written anything but I decided to make the effort and to push myself. I don’t think I’ve ever written as much before, certainly not since high school, but it’s helping me to open myself and my mind up even more. I guess I’m getting some confidence for life back. I’m certainly getting back in a good place mentally and business wise too which is a huge relief! Long may it last and long may my journey continue onwards and upwards. I think I’m going to live a very long life.
As above, so below.
I am that I am
This is going to be a pretty mundane post I guess. I’ve just been in my office looking at my finances. Something I’ve avoided for far too long. Earlier this year I had a meeting with my bank and they talked me into a loan to consolidate some debts, foolishly in some ways I agreed. I pay £177 per month for the loan. Well earlier this month I decided to take a good look at my loan on my online banking. I noticed I could over pay if and when I wanted to. There’s a nice little calculator there to work out how much you might save if you over pay. Well if I pay £30 extra off it saves me £129 on interest and knocks 1 month off the term of the loan! That’s a lot! So far this month I’ve made 3 payments of £30 each. £40 paid off saves 1 month and almost £175 in interest. I checked my mortgage this morning. The interest is 3.99% AND I’m on variable rate again. I’ve just looked online at the best rates for a new fixed rate mortgage…..1.44%….I’ve a meeting on Tuesday morning with a mortgage adviser and will see what he can come up with. My mortgage is 20 years and several months. That rate of 1.44% won’t be forever but I’ll save LOTS. I guess I’ve not been switched on enough the last few years. I honestly feel like my mind has had too much other stuff to deal with and its just starting to wake up to finance again. I guess it pays hugely to be switched on financially.
Boring mundane stuff over with. Life is still good. I’m finally starting to see light at the end of the tunnel. I’m going to have to try my hardest to get on top of everything and not get swallowed up. My magic is working well again. My rituals are going well and I think things are moving slightly differently in them. I need better focus and concentration though. Things are good. I’m still not back on the forum that I was on and might not go back, I’m unsure, maybe it’s a trigger for me personally. I know others on there must find it a very good place and a good help but maybe I am a loner in life. I don’t socialise. I made the mistake of getting in touch with someone I’d cut out of my life yesterday. I contacted them as I had an offer of a gift for them. I ended up getting bombarded with texts and questions about esoterica and the occult. Normally I’m happy to explain these things to others but I’ve explained these things to this person possibly close to a hundred or so times. I guess I will withdraw back a long way and keep contact to a minimum. He’s a nice guy but misguided I guess. I’ve tried steering him onto a good path. Anyway I’ve lots going on in life and lots of work ahead.
My concentration levels in my rituals seem to of dropped. I’ll keep an eye on my mind at work too. Maybe I’m less present these last few days than I have been of late. My mind isn’t racing too much though. I’m not fully sure where I’m at. I know I’m tired though. That affects me. I’ll see how it all goes.
Last night in my ritual I saw the nature of mind. I am not my normal conscious mind. I am something behind and above that. Waking Mind chatters away all day telling us we are right about this or that or that we are wrong and worthless and horrible. My waking mind tricks me. It punishes me sometimes too. It can make me jealous and can make me feel paranoid and worthless. It can take me back through my life analysing the minutest details of things I’ve forgotten or thought I’d let go. The true nature of mind sits beyond and above all of this like a parent watching it’s child grow, watching the mistakes, the joy, the sorrow, the pleasure and the pain, waiting for the child to reach full growth and full awakening into adulthood.
It’s very possibly because of my rituals that these things are opening up again and that I’m feeling like my concentration is going or that I’m overly analysing things in my waking state. Through the ritual works deep psychoanalysis happens. Deeper understanding of oneself opens up. It’s a dangerous path though. Not one for most people. It can seriously play on ones mind much like meditation can too. It can heal things too though on a much deeper level. It’s my opinion that it reaches much deeper personal levels than modern psychoanalysis does. Much much deeper. It’s a very lonely or personal journey too. It can heal one though. I certainly feel that I’m making headway into myself. I know that being much more aware of my internal mental state these last few months has also helped immensely. It’s started to open the internal me or ‘I’ up ready for this. I certainly don’t feel like it’s making me loose my mind, which I was feeling not so long ago. I seriously feared I was loosing my sanity and that there was no way back. In fact I don’t honestly know what or where my ‘thinking’ was at. I guess it’s lead me to where I am at now though and cutting certain thought patterns out has helped but this was only possible by cutting certain people out. For a while I honestly thought I needed to cut my wife out too. For a while she was an enemy of my mind, in my mind, but my mind wasn’t in the right place. At times it feels like it might slip away again, and it could be anytime or any day or maybe never again. I honestly believe it’s all a healing process and I don’t like using that terminology but it does come closest to summing it up. I guess I’m still working away at it day by day. Being aware of the minutest changes helps me hugely. I’ve just realised that I didn’t feel I had much to say this morning but this must be one of my longest posts on here. It just goes to show there’s always more that can come forwards or be learnt.
I’ve done a whole day’s work today and I’ve done a workout too. I’m feeling pretty ok. I feared I might be coming down with something, I might yet as I can get a burst of energy before getting Ill.
Today is the day of Saint Homobonus. He’s the Saint of tailors and small business and he was canonised for his generosity in helping the poorer people in his area. I’ve done some magic to call upon him for his help. Today is also the day of Jupiter which partially rules money and finance. So a doubly good day to work Saint Homobonus Magic. It’s a pity it’s not a waxing moon too but at least its jupiters day as well as his.
I’m feeling pretty good in myself. I’ve had a good day at work and things are pretty cool in life. My thoughts have calmed down quite a bit too, which is always good and a relief.
I’m feeling ok mentally but physically I think I’m coming down with something. I noticed yesterday at work I was slower than usual and I felt warm all day. This morning I feel warm but worn out. I’m very tired and my stomach feels kind of light and bubbly. My ears are ringing more than usual too. I will go to work as usual but I’ll keep an eye on how I feel as the day goes on.
In other news I might of added an extra day to my retreat. The retreat hut owners emailed me last night saying it’s available one day earlier than I’d booked it. So I said that sounds great. I’m Looking forwards to having a few silent days.