I called a friend of a friend who’s a mechanic last night and he’s coming to look at my van today to see if he can figure out what might be wrong with it. I’m hoping that it’s fixable. I need it for work.
I’m going to use our car to do a small job today and then I’ll do a load of pricing too. I’ve got help again tomorrow and he will pick me up. In a way it’s a blessing in disguise to be able to catch up on pricing. I must make time to meditate a bit today too. It’s maybe time I meditated on death again. Everything is impermanent and we clutch at things, we try to own or passes things but in reality everything changes. Change really is the only constant in life. I’d say that it’s good to embrace change but that could also be seen as clutching at things. Maybe I’ll say it’s good to be flexible and open to change.
I’ve got a few ideas about some projects too, so maybe I should start to look into those too. Today is a good day. Everyday that I’m alive and know it is a good day. Thinking of such things I’m pretty sure I heard something on radio 2 yesterday about suicide and maybe depression. I think it was on the Jeremy Vine show. I’ll have to see if it was. I know I’ve felt suicidal several times and it takes a lot to be open about it. Most people don’t want to know about it or talk about it. I’d say that most people like things a certain rigid way in life and anything else is too much to cope with or they constantly see what’s wrong in the world but only complain instead of trying to change things. I wonder why they don’t think to change or that it’s really just their perspective that needs to change a little.
I’m less bothered today about what I overheard my neighbours say yesterday. It’s suprising how I’m so susseptuble to picking up on others emotions and feelings. I honestly think I took on board their anger and hatred yesterday. After if calmed a little I went and had a bath with bath salts in and it washed it all away. There’s a good message there that I must remember. I must be aware of others moods etc and be aware that I don’t take it onboard. It’s hard to do but well worth it.
I’ve just had one of those instances that can tip the balance. I was outside taking a look at my van and my neighbours arrived home. They didn’t realise I was standing outside by my van. The man proceeded to point to my chimney and tell the woman ” hmm look at that. There’ll be problems”. She then commented ” it’s all that crap they burn”. If only they could actually be nice for once they might learn some life lessons. I’m burning seasoned oak on our log burner, not some “crap” and the fire was smoking because it had been shut down during the day while we were at work and I’d just opened it up and got it going so hence some lovely wood smoke. I know I’m ranting away but it pains me that there are such horrible arseholes in the world and I happen to live next door to some of them. The amount of vitriol that pours out of their mouths is shocking. They’ve never got anything nice to say about anybody ever. Maybe I should curse them or work some magic so that they move house. The thing is I would be going against what I believe is the right, kind, way to live.
I’m pretty sure he poisoned our rabbit. It went missing last year and not long before he told me how he’d seen rats in his garden and was going to use very strong poison on them. Nasty person. Maybe I should go bang on his door and tell him he’s a horrible c*nt.
It’s Monday morning again already and it’s time to take on the world of work. Work is quite absurd really isn’t it? Lots of people do jobs that are necessary but lots do jobs that aren’t. What a strange world we live in really. It’s all about making money and profit. It tires me at times. I guess I’m lucky because I can see that it’s all crazy. Maybe I should go into politics…. It’s funny how there are people who want change but who won’t get involved in politics, I’m one of them, because they fear the monster that it’s become and fear they might become just like other politicians. I’d hate that. How can we change the system for the better though so that everyone gets an equal chance and also has a chance to do what they’d like in life? Lots of people do jobs that they don’t like very much just to earn money. I guess I’m lucky that I enjoy doing what I do for a living.
I’ve woken a little earlier this morning than usual but I rested well yesterday. I’m possibly a little anxious but I can live with that. It’ll pass quickly once I get to work. I’ve got help again this week. I had help last week too. Things are going well.
It’s Sunday. I’m quite relaxed too but I’m questioning life. Sometimes it can suck badly. Sometimes it’s beautiful. Yesterday I had a busy day looking at work but it got stressful. Whilst driving back from one of my meetings my van went wrong. It’s almost 12 months ago that the cam belt broke on it. This time it sounds like the engine again too! I’m just at a loss as to what to do. Do I spend money looking at getting it fixed, if it can be fixed, or do I throw it away. I thought things were going ok so far this year. I’ve got lots of work on. I’m just at a loss about it all. I could feel like I’m being punished and maybe I do feel that a little like that because it has sprung to mind. It’s that typical situation of money being a little tight and also I had just filled the van up with diesel the night before too! I bought the van 15 months ago for £1800 and in total including buying it I’ve spent about £4400 to date! I bought it cheap so that I could save up to get a decent van… That never happened because I had to spend money on it. Oh well. Nose to the grind stone all year again to try to get out of whatever debt it’s going to cost me to either fix this one or buy another!
Oh well rant over. At least my tax is less than I had thought it might be. I’m still surprised that I don’t feel too pissed off. Maybe I can see that it’s just one of those things that can happen. Maybe I will do some serious soul searching and I’ll come through even better. However much I get knocked down I get back up and keep going forwards. I guess that’s all I can do really.
I’m not feeling tense or uptight so that’s good.
It’s Saturday morning and I had a lay in until almost 7:30. I’m not feeling anxious today or not noticeably. Yesterday at work went well and I finished about 3:15pm. All of the hard work earlier in the week paid off. The rooms are almost finished apart from wall papering and some snags. Phew! I’ve not earned what I would normally earn but that happens sometimes. At other times I earn good money.
I’m glad that I’m feeling relaxed and that there’s no noticable anxiety either. Today I have to go out and meet with a few customers and look at work. I’m looking forwards to the year ahead because I’ve got a feeling that it’s going to be a good year. It’s certainly been a very busy start so far!
It’s been a busy week this last week and I finally think I’m getting on top of it all. I’m still slightly anxious and I still woke up early too. I don’t like feeling like this. Maybe I should buy some flower essence like rescue remedy.
I’m struggling to meditate these last few days. I’m torn over it too because meditation can release more kundalini which can cause more issues but meditation can also release the anxiety and help to calm me right down. Since coming to realise this I don’t beat myself up if I can’t meditate. I’ve also realised that sometimes we need a break from meditation to help the rest of our body and mind to catch up with itself.
I’m hoping today goes well and is a nice relaxing day. I’m not putting any stress on myself. I’ve tried not to all week and it’s helped. I feel like my mind is slowly starting to slow down again. My thoughts have been racing all week but because I’ve been as mentally calm as I can be it’s not been too much of an issue. Being aware that I can get like this and get through this each time really helps. The past year has been almost a verticle learning curve. Each time I get a high, low or mixed I realise much more about myself afterwards. All I can do is be kind to myself and be patient. I’ve realised that doing the kabbalistic cross helps control things too and I’ve not been doing that. I guess I’ve got plenty to do again.
It’s Thursday already. My stomach is a little unsettled and was yesterday too. I think I’m stressing myself out a bit. I woke early again but didn’t get straight up. My throat feels dry too. Hopefully it won’t get sore. I’m still feeling some anxiety. I’m not sure why either. Oh well all I can do is knuckle down and get on with things. I need to get lots done today at work. I might work back a little later tonight to get a bit ahead. I’ll see how the day goes. I don’t want to burn out but I also don’t want to get behind.
I’m not sure where my mood is headed. It’s a roller coaster at times that’s for sure! I guess I’ll just buckle up and try to enjoy the ride. Not that it’s enjoyable all of the time either!
Sometimes I feel like I’m not me. I feel like I’m playing a character in a game or I’m acting in a film. I’m not sure why either. I’m not sure if I am or not. Maybe I am. Maybe this is all just a game really. All just a big virtual reality and when death happens we take off the helmet or mask and wake up in the true reality. Maybe it is like that but each time we die/wake up it’s just another game to be played. Maybe this is what samsara really is, this perpetual loop. Maybe enlightenment is when we break that cycle. When the game is over in the truest sense.
I woke early again this morning but instead of just laying there I decided to get up. I’m still a little anxious and I’m not sure why. I had a deadline at work to get a job finished but that’s now been increased by at least a day. Hopefully we won’t need the extra day but it’s good to have it.
There’s lots I want to get done today at work and I’ll maybe go in a little bit earlier. I know that once there my anxiety eases a little. Normally I have things worked out in my mind as to how I want them to be done and at times I’ll write a list so I can cross things off. I think I’ll do that today. It’ll help ease my mind lots.
I did my VAT last night and it didn’t take so long. I’m glad it didn’t. I need to file my paperwork more often than I do so that it’s easier still. Also I’ve realised if I put more diesel in my van each time then I’ll have fewer receipts to log down. The less there is to log down the quicker and easier the VAT will be.
I’m glad I got up early this morning because I can meditate and read. I’m back to reading Tibetan Buddhism. To me it’s the best form of spirituality and understanding.
I had a good nights sleep last night but I’m very slightly anxious this morning. I know I’ll feel better once I get to work and get going but I’m fearful that I’m headed for a mood change. I need to relax myself fully. I’ll meditate a little bit soon. I’m wondering if I’m a little anxious because I have a deadline at work to meet. It’s not going to be hard to meet it but I’m concious of it. Ive also noticed that my anxiety is affecting my stomach too. It’s tying itself in knots. It’s at times like these I wish I could retire from work! I will just have to relax myself more.
I had thought I’d gotten on top of all of this. I’m questioning if writing and thinking about it accentuates it even more. I’m still yet to delete my Facebook again. I’m going to do it once I’ve finished writing this. It certainly doesn’t help my mind. Something else I thought of yesterday and have just remembered is that in just over a month it is the anniversary of my mums death and usualy I get a physical illness around that time, maybe it is brought on by my state of mind leading up to that date. I’ll keep an eye on it all and see.
I woke up this morning feeling very anxious. I’d go as far as to say the anxiety woke me up. I felt slightly paniced about work. Maybe more than slightly. My dreams were slightly odd too. Maybe one caused the other. I don’t want to slip away again. I’m enjoying the normal feelings I’ve been having. As much as I enjoy being high when high I really don’t want to go there again. My thinking has been what I consider pretty normal mostly although it was a bit racy yesterday. I don’t want the fight anymore. I’ll not fight it. I’m tired of fighting it.
I tried meditating this morning and most of what tried to crop up was thoughts about work or money. I went back on Facebook over the weekend. Maybe that’s not helped with my thoughts and my thinking. I’ll delete myself again. I am slowly mastering myself.