If I close my eyes will it all go away? Will it disapear?
When I was a child a friend tried to convince me that if we couldn’t see someone then they couldn’t see us. I know that lots of kids think that but wouldn’t it be cool if it were true. You could just close your eyes and escape. At times I wish I could just close my eyes and let everything just go. I could escape into the dream world or my own world of imagination. I could maybe choose not to beat myself up so badly internally. I’d like that very much.
Do the trials and tribulations of life really build character? I mean do they make us better or worse or would we become who we become regardless. I guess living life is a philosophy all of its own. If we gain real wisdom in this life then how can we share it or help others truly? So much of what we are taught as we grow can be picked apart when we are older if we only care to look deeper into it. I guess my Holy Guardian Angel is right and everyone is always right in their own mind and that it’s only hindsight that can help change this. The 3 months of ritual works will take far longer to fully understand. I need to meditate again properly.
The weather is looking like it’ll be nice today. I hope so. I’ve got lots of like to get done today.
Yesterday at work started well but ended slowly and I felt a bit rubbish. More than a bit but hey ho. That’s life I guess. I just hope today goes better.
I’ve realised how tense and anxious I am today. It’s not good. I need to calm right down. I’ve too much spinning through my head right now.
I woke several times in the night last night and I was so warm or hot. I’m very aware now because of the broken sleep and the rise of my body temperature. All possible warning signs. I was pretty wide awake at 5:30 this morning too which is about 30-40 minutes earlier than usual, plus I wasn’t early going to sleep. I need to be vigilant. I don’t want to be unwell. I’d rather be balanced than high because it always comes with the trade off of a crash in mood. I need stability not a high, even though the high makes me very productive at work.
There’s a lovely frost this morning and beautiful clear skies too so it should be a fantastic day today. I’ve got it all in mind as to what I’d like to get done today and this week. I should really put it down on paper so that I can keep an eye on it and can tick things off which is always satisfying. It helps having a list of things because my memory is shot to pieces at the minute. As is my drive and determination. At the minute I’m a bit of a ghost flying along only partly there. Fleetingly doing what I should be doing. I hate this.
I had a night of strange dreams last night. I woke several times and at on point gasped as I awoke. I wonder if there’s a change of mood coming.
One of my dreams was about my mum. She was visiting us but had friends with her. The long and short of the dream was about how I couldn’t reach her and how there was frustration and anger involved. In the dream I had to work late on a Saturday and I saw her drive past to go out but she didn’t stop. There were others in the car. Work was dragging on and it was 8pm and if still not finished. Lots of frustration in the dream. My wife visited me too and there was frustration there too. My other dreams were very odd too. Quite a restless night of fucked up dreams. I can feel some angst and anger within me today along with frustration. My life is a life of fear and frustration mostly now.
I’m tired of things. Life is a huge false ride and I’ve had enough of its bullshit. I want to jump off the ride. Work is too much. I need to retire. Soon. I’m not me. Someone else is me. I’m just floating behind and above myself. Like a swirling mist flollowing someone. Maybe I’m just ectoplasm. It’s all me and I yet I don’t think I know who me or I actualy are or is. I’m not working today. I’ve come back to bed. My ears are ringing. My energy is edgy. I’m going up or down and I don’t know which. Maybe it’s both…a mixed episode. I hope not. I thought I’d gotten on top of everything. I just want to be a kid again. Being grown up sucks. It’s not fun anymore. When I was a kid I could play or pretend to be a grown up but now I’m a grown up I’m still pretending to be one. It sucks. I need to retire. Time to look at the ride again.
Once again it’s friday. I’ve made it through another week. It’s had more twists and turns and ups and downs than I care to think about. Oh well. That’s life. I’m feeling alright now though. Things seem ok for now and that will do for now. My plans are starting to be reformed in my minds eye too. I won’t be held back. I can’t be held back. I’m an immortal.
I’ve realised that I’ve not meditated for some time now. I think it’s nearly time to try again. Nearly time to start reading again too. I think I’ll start off by reading something uplifting. Enough of making excuses or finding excuses in life. It’s time to start doing things again. It’s time to get cracking.
I’ve had some cramps the last few days so I’ve bought bananas. It does help. Yesterday my stepdaughter helped out at work. She was a real star. Today my wife helped out. She was a real star too. They’ve both really lifted my spirits. Life is getting better again. I’ve not got much to say today other than that.
Live each day fully. Live it how you want to too as long as you’re not hurting anyone else or yourself. Fulfil your dreams if you can and be patient too. Be kind.
I’ve been thinking about life and how things change as we get older, how thoughts and wishes change too. When I was younger I wanted millions and millions of pounds so I could do whatever I wanted. As I’ve got older I’d be happy to just not have a mortgage or to be able to only work when I want to. All of the things I’d like to do in life are getting simpler too. Having a stable mind would be enough right now. I almost fear to dream a little at the minute. I’m not sure why though. Maybe because the world beats me down at every turn lately. It’s funny because I fight back hard and just as it looks like I’m getting my head above water shit happens and I start to sink again. I honestly think if I wasn’t quite as strong or resilient as I am I’d of checked out a while ago, but that’s not for me. No. I’m going to keep fighting and pushing, screaming and shouting.
Ok so today started a little better but is still shit so far. I’m really unmotivated at work. I’ve had an hours sleep on the sofa here as I did yesterday. I’m lethargic. That’s unusual for me. Usually I have energy. Even when depressed I’m usually ok ish. Although I’ve had days where I’ve stayed at home in bed, even when high. Well winter can fuck off now. I’ve seen enough of it. I want to move to southern Spain or somewhere warm. I don’t want to feel cold anymore because right now I’m freezing. I’m working indoors with the heating on, 2 jumpers and a hat too. Winter really can fuck right off.
Ok so here’s another thought I’ve been having. I’ve been thinking about death. One day I will die. What will it be like? I mean really what is death? What does dying feel like? Is there something after this life? Or is it boom lights out and everything else just carries on. I’m 40 now so I’m getting older. Death is chasing me already. In fact I’ve escaped it a few times in my life already. Maybe soon it’ll catch me up and take me for a ride or journey. I’ve figure father at the minute my life isn’t my own. Something else has a little control over it. Maybe it’s the kick back from the 3 months of ritual leading up to Christmas Time. I had the knowledge and conversation so maybe now I have to cross the abyss yet again. To enter the void beyond. Hmmmm
Not a good day today. In a hole. Deep hole. Sleep is needed I think. Not good.