I wish I had internet all the time becaue when I’m at my worst I should get things down. Usually I dont put it straight down. Well today I’m feeling ok. My body doesn’t ache too badly either. Yesterday however I was a yoyo, up and down all day. I was so tired by the end of it all too. I really need to kick my own arsenal get back into some proper sleep habits. Far too many wired nights lately. I really do have to remind myself that I need sleep. Lots of sleep. I need to get myself up to bed far earlier and to actually try to go to sleep earlier too. Often I go to bed and just read or go online because I’m not tired. It’s a vicious circle too because getting out of synch makes things worse and the worse things are then the more out I get thrown ad infinitum. I guess that’s one good thing about trying to blog everyday, I notice things mostly and notice them better than ever before. The older I get the worse I get. Life does suck at times. It would seem that lately it’s been so up and down too. Far too much for my liking. I intended to phone the local wellbeing team yesterday but had no signal and I’d also forgotten too. Oh well.
I’m in physical pain. I’ve done something to my shoulder, my left shoulder, and I dontknow what. It’s hurt all night and I’ve not slept so well. It hurts. When I did sleep my dreams have been freaky, very freaky. The last dream I had before getting up was about my dad. I was at his house and I think I was living there. I felt a cold draft and I had a fire burning because I could see smoke, so I went into his room and he lay there in bed unwell. I was trying to make him better. I couldn’t help him. It was winter outside and he had a small window open. Anyway it was freaky. He didn’t even want water. He had given up.
I’ve lots to do today and need to be fully fit but I’m feeling tired now and my shoulder is a fucker. I always avoid pain killers but today I might take some. My stomach is grumbling away too and has been all night. I’ve had too many late nights and been too much of a mess psychologically recently. I’m not even sure where my head is at. I knew my dads death would affect me but I’m mentally all over the place and the mask is firmly on. I tried to let it slip Sunday night by drinking but it didn’t work. If anything it’s made matters worse. Far worse. Indeed to avoid drinking might be a good idea. It might well stop me being a twat and thinking stupid shitty thoughts. It might not though. My head is going to be the death of me. I hones,t thought I could control my thought patterns, that I could learn to see the triggers, but I don’t think I can. I don’t want to take medicication either. I’ve still not gone back to the doctors. Maybe I should but I know they’ll fob me off. I also fear what else they might do. They could lock me up.
I’ve been wondering all day about if I should write this or not. Well I’m writing so I guess it’s going to be put down here. First I must say that im feeling ok tonight. That I’ve had a good day today too. Work went well and I’m in an ok place. Right that said I need to go back to last night. Late afternoon/early evening yesterday I started drinking. I drank lots. I’m not a drinker but last night I drank more than two bottles of wine. I got extremely wasted. I almost broke down but didn’t quite. I ended up in a bad place mentally and emotionally and thanks to a few online friends I was able to get through it. I got so very low last night I couldn’t see a way out of anything. I was suicidal. I very nearly took a rope and hung myself. It didn’t quite get that far but the thoughts were there fully and I went up the garden where I intended to do it. In part it was down to the drink bringing up lots of emotions and grief. It heightened everything. I think that’s why I drank. So that I could try to get all of it out. To let go. Anyway it didn’t quite work that way. Anyway I’m here to tell the tale today. Last night I really didn’t think I would be. Life goes on and perspectives change, luckily.
It’s Monday once again. I’m not anxious today. Im still a bit pissed up from last night though. I had nearly 2 bottles of wine. I’m not a drinker either. I don’t ususaly drink either. I certainly had far too much to drink. I almost broke down too. Almost. Emotions were running super high. Oh well. That’s life. I’m not sure where my head is at today.
Lots to do today at work. I’ve got the flooring and kitchen arriving today.
Ok so it’s sunday already. I was high yesterday and completely forgot to write anything. Friday and Saturday night I was up late. Well it was Saturday and Sunday morning before sleep. I’ve had 3/4 of a bottle of wine and I’m slightly pissed but fuck it I deserve it. I’m fucking awesome motherfuckers. Life’s so short. So very short. Who knows. When it will end. I’ve been online and have just bought a book about polytunnel a and also a cover for a polytunnel. Oh forgot to say we picked up a free polytunnel Friday night. How lucky is that. We’ve got about £350-450 pounds worth of polytunnel for £85 if you include hotspot tape. Anyway the epweather is really good and the greenhouse has been up to over 40*c. All is good. It’s strange though. Life I mean. We are born. We fuck about and think we know what we are doing but in reality we are all just winging it. Then we die. We kick the fucking bucket. No wonder the world is fucked. Up haha. That’s life I guess. Humans. The bane of earth. Nature always finds a way. Nature will survive the fall of humankind. Good I say. Fuck it all. We all die. We don’t all love though.
It’s Friday night already and for the past few days I’ve actually been feeling really good. I forgot to write yesterday. I intended to but it didn’t happen. Anyway late,y I’ve been dreaming lots about dead people. Especially family members. I’ve been able to literally nod off and go straight into a dream. Last night it happened 3 times in quick succession. I saw my dads corpse/body as a kind of puppet suspended by his arms on a metal rod, kind of like a partial crucifix position. It’s was really strange and freaky. It threw me a bit. I’m also sleeping very very solidly at night, although waking up early and refreshed. Sometimes I’m awake too early but I just nod off again and try to relax. I’m surprised I’m still so tired but that’s ok so long as I’m feeling good.
Today we picked up a free polytunnel frame that was advertised in a local magazine. It’s so good to be able to reuse things and also to get them from free. We just need to get a cover for it now. I’ve already put it up. I’ll make the door and will also make a timber bottom frame so I can peg it down properly. All is good. Life is good.
I’ve slept well but woke at 5:30 this morning. I did snooze again until 6:20 when I got up. I was so tired yesterday I had a sleep on the sofa about 6:45 last night. I’m trying to be off Facebook again. I’ve not deactivated but I’m trying to change how I use it. One thing that’s good is where I’m working there is no phone signal at all so I can’t go on even if I wanted to. I can’t believe how much I got done in only a anew Hours there yesterday. Amazing. That’s the distraction of Facebook I guess and my addictive behaviours. So I’m trying to cut out anything that’s detrimental to me on there or anything that’s neggative based etc. Anyway I woke early and was anxious when I got up. I’m not so anxious now but it’s still there simmering away.
My van is in the garage and has been since yesterday. It’s a bit of a ball ache but hopefully I can pick it up later today. I’ve so much to get done and it’s all doable. It’s just the anxiety that gets to me though. All the racing thoughts beating me up a bit. I know I’ll get there.
It’s still not sunk in or even sinking in that my dad has died. That he’s dead. He’s gone. His body is in a wooden box in a hole in the ground. The scary thing is that it feels like a film or something. Like none of it’s real. It’s not happened or happening. I can’t explain it very well but I feel like I’m not feeling it. Like I’m just plodding along but a bit more tired. It’s nuts. I know everyone grieves differently but I keep trying to be rational about it all. I really don’t know what I think or feel. I’m not sure I can even. I’ve so many others that need me to be me I have to keep going. So I’ll keep my mask on. Problem is it’s getting or got to the stage where I don’t even know if I’m wearing it or not. It’s all just a big huge roundabout going around and around. A carousel going around and around and up and down. The music is deafening too. Lah lah lah lah.
Once again I’m anxious. Very anxious. I’m not sure why because today I can have an easy day if I want to. I woke up at 5:15 and have snoozed a little since then. I’ve got cold sores coming on my face again, I thought they were going. My stomach is in knots too. I’m hoping that once I’m at work it will pass. I feel silly because yesterday I felt normal and because of that I felt fake. How bloody stupid of me. Who am I really and when will I know?
I’m sat here tying myself in knots and I don’t even know what about. I know I have to step back on the treadmill yet again. Everything is building up. I think I’m starting to worry about how I will pay for the funeral too. There’s still so much to do and so ice paperwork to go through. It’s getting a bit painful again. I’m hot too. My body is hot. Do I get lots of paperwork sorted out today or do I go to physical work and earn money. I don’t know. The house needs more clearing too. I never used to be so indecisive. I’m becoming a twat now I’m getting older. Weak minded too. Ah sod it all. I might just go back to bed. Go and hide from it all. I wish I could but I can’t.
Oh my ears are ringing too. Am I going up or down. I don’t know. I’ll have to wait and see. Fuck.