Tired and worn out but ok

Last night I slept for almost 10 hours but I’m still tired and worn out today, but I’m feeling ok. I’m watching my thoughts but slip up constantly. It’s not easy trying to watch ones thoughts. It is easy to slip up and let things slip.  Also doing 11-13 hour days is seriously catching up with me and I need to back it down lots. I’m recovering lots too. 

I had to make a few business decisions earlier in the week too. I think things will start to work out for the better now and I’ve been getting some feedback from several customers too which has been positive. I’ve still got a huge workload on but I can start to see it coming under my control a lot more now which is a huge relief. I’d certainly been left in the lurch recently and been put under lots of undue pressure. It’s amazing how you think you know someone when you work with them but really you don’t. I guess we are all different and that’s part of the beauty of life. 

Today I’m just trying to remain calm and carry on. It’s not so easy at times but I’ll be ok. My wife has gone in to work today because it’s the school holidays and it’s hard to get child care. I feel bad that she’s working on a Sunday but the children and I might make a picnic and go out and do some stuff. We might even pop in for a cup of tea with her. Bless her.  She works just as hard as I do, but I don’t always see it. I guess it’s so easy to get caught up in what one sees as oneself. 

I still seek enlightenment but I think the way forwards is to give up on seeking it so much and to ‘just be’ and to be as present as I can be and also to be the best person I can be. It’s really easy to get caught up in trying to be a good person and to seek to better oneself but actually end up being selfish in those pursuits. One thing I have done in the last week is to delete my Facebook and I have barely been on twitter either. It’s amazing how much time so called ‘social media’ has taken up. This last week I’ve meditated lots, worked huge amounts and managed to read a fair amount too. I think I’m better off steering clear of social media as it’s antisocial. 

My youngest step daughter hasn’t been feeling herself fully lately which I was quite upset to hear but had I had thought that though. I know she will be ok because she’s very strong. 

I guess life can catch up with us all at times. 

Life and the future

Life is so very crazy. Sometimes I think I’ve got myself worked out fully and another time I’m completely lost. Yesterday morning my wife apologised to me for not realising that when I’m not coping I’m REALLY not coping. I hide things too easily from everyone. I hide myself so deeply that nobody sees me, not even me, I don’t see myself. Am I really suffering from a mental illness? Is it an illness or is it just purer clarity than most ever get in their lives? Is it because my path is leading towards enlightenment that things are harder at times? I’ve read that enlightenment is only ever just around the corner of no thing or no thinking. I’ve reached no thinking a few times and for quite some minutes each time too. Maybe I hold on to too much and that’s why I can’t let go fully yet , because of not letting go I can’t be enlightened yet. Maybe I’m nearly there. I’m tired. Tired of hiding myself. Tired of trying to please others. Tired of being a being who is trying to be. Tired of action and inaction. Tired of lots of things but too scared to let go. I often wonder if I’m right or wrong with my thinking and my thoughts, of I’m loosing or gaining my mind.  Often I feel both. Maybe I need to let go and loose my mind to gain myself fully. What am I scared of? And what has made me scared? Why?  What is there to be scared of? Pain? Suffering ? Or maybe freedom? I don’t know. What is the future and where is the future? The past isn’t here.  I think I am learning some lessons of the past still, even now I am still remembering things. Has my past been how I remember it?  I’ve remembered something from when I was maybe 6 or 7 and have realised my thinking was different back then too. Is it just my makeup or is it conditioning? I really don’t know. Often I wish I could be someone else just to see how they think or feel because often I don’t feel anything much.  Is that how others feel or is it just me? Sometimes I feel too much. I don’t know. I’m tired. Maybe I’ll sleep soon. Where and when am I? Who am I?  What do I need to do in this life?  Does it all matter?  Autumn is creeping up on me. Just be I guess. No thinking and no thoughts.