All posts by darrenmundi

A builder in the UK

The Struggle within

I guess we all have struggles within. From trying to do what we are told is right to what we ourselves believe is right. I found this short article quite good on how mental health is perceived differently in a non western culture.  http://earthweareone.com/what-a-shaman-sees-in-a-mental-hospital/

I’ve always felt that it’s a blessing and a curse.  I guess we can all be too quick to judge others and their minds or their characters.  We need to learn to love and understand the diversity that we have. X

 

Change is the only constant in life

change. Change is the only constant in any of our lives. We can either embrace it or run from it. It’s out choice , but it will still be there. It will still change things. Life goes on and we either move forwards or stagnate. I think I have feared those changes lately. I’ve not practiced my qigong properly, it’s been half hearted because my mind hasn’t been in it but now I can see this and I’ve changed it. How much can I change as a person or as myself? Who am I really ? 

How can we start to embrace the changes in our life or let things go? Things that we’ve held onto for years or built up over years like fears ? I don’t know but I guess being open to them will help. I’m feeling happier in myself again. 

Reality

I think I’ve made it back to reality. Which reality I’m not sure but at least a lot of stress has passed and has hopefully been dealt with. I’m actually hungry again this morning so that’s a start. I’ll keep pushing forwards as I can’t go back. 

life can have some pretty amazing twists and turns. We just never know where we will get to. I guess we have to choose which way we let fear take us. Fear of failure or fear of success. Do we hold back or push forwards and when do we decide to give up ?  Is reality truly real and tangible? Who knows…

Levels

I’m back at a reasonable level after some severe last few days. There are some personal issues that have arisen and need to be addressed. I feared facing them because I struggle to face things. It can completely screw my mind about. That’s life I guess!

Just a quick mention to you all

I’ve just checked the subscriber list and there are 121 subscribers. Wow. I started writing this purely for myself. For my own record of how I feel and all of a sudden I have subscribers. I’m blown away. I hope that I can help but one person to seek themselves and seek to understand themselves. If just one person feels that they’re not alone then I’m truly touched.  

Heres a thought though. Maybe you all just enjoy reading my nutty rants. That’s cool too.

Being fully open

Today I’m feeling bloody great. I’m a little tired and maybe a little wired. I’m going to go into detail now of how I feel or have been feeling.

When I feel things really deeply it’s like I’m dead quiet outside but shouting inside. I feel like I need to escape from myself or from the ‘me’ or the ‘I’ .  I feel like I could cut my head open and climb out for a while, become pure spirit rather than ego. I’ve left my body on several occasions and there is a disconnection from the physical body or from what we call the physical reality. I guess that’s what I’m referring too. I don’t mean physically cutting my head open, although people have been known to drill holes in their heads. As I’ve said before it can be like the lights are on but nobody’s home, although everyone IS home and they’re having a huge, loud party in my head. The amount of conversations I have inside too is unreal. I know everybody does but I’m talking about super fast! Maybe my brain is wired with 1,000,000 times beyond the fastest broadband and everyone else are still using dial up, if they’ve even got a computer! I guess I’ll be waiting all my life for others to catch up with my special powers. And yes they are special powers. A friend who I talk to about bipolar, she is bipolar, totally gets it. She’s one of the select few who has special powers too. The insight I can have is amazing. Most people seem like zombies to be honest. They’re just pawns in life’s game of chess. The world needs a great big shake up! Wakey  wakes boys and girls. 

Fear

Why do I fear so many things? Do I really fear things? Do I build up too much expectation and then fear failure?  What do I really seek? I know I seek my own enlightenment. I know I have remained hidden from view, from others, from socialising for a long while.  I have to take back whatever control I have let myself give up. I can and will do it. I will beat any mental illness that I have. I want to. I won’t let it define me or beat me down anymore. 

I’ve been at breaking point recently, possibly for the last few years. I am getting clarity of vision now. I don’t know where I’m headed at times but I will win out. The only thing that is a slight concern is that I am willing to push my own boundaries. I push to find myself and to find my limits. A fear I have is that I’m limitless. I practice ritual magic on and off and am quite proficient at it. I’ve done a few rituals this last week. 

I feel trapped lately. I need to find out in what way though. I will win through.