I had a few beers last night. Luckily I’m good, I never get hung over. I think I might buy some gin today. Beer bloats me too much.

Im feeling pretty good today. A friend and I may consider doing ayahuasca with a shaman. I’ll see. I don’t want to affect my mental health, but I don’t want to overlook a possible way of finding myself either. I have in the past taken DMT. I wouldn’t recommend taking anything to anyone else though. I did start to deal with myself and my issues with and through DMT. I would say it helped me to start to understand how different I am. And I am different, I know this now.

I didn’t practice qigong this morning, but I did meditate very deeply for about an hour.

I’ve been up since just after 5 this morning. I’ve meditated a fair bit too. I’m certain that my life is a series of circles, I go around and around and around. I need to break that circle. I fear the uncertainty though. I guess I’ve built so many fears into my life, I think it’s time I faced them and moved forwards. I strive to be happy, but always feel that there’s something missing, not a physical object or possession but an inner something. Maybe it’s love. Maybe I need to be able to love myself. To be able to understand myself fully and not fear things. I always feel like I’m trying to escape something. Maybe that something is me, myself. I have to take full control of myself again, of my life. I feel like I’m selfish, but people don’t realise how much I put others first. I think I’ve hurt myself so that I protect others, but in so doing I actually hurt them too. If only I had all of the answers. I’ve read that it’s a fool who think he has all of the answers. Maybe I’m far from that fool as I have lots of questions. I know I need to love myself though. I hold myself in. I need.

It’s been a good day today. I’m still up. I’m usually asleep about an hour ago, but I think the last 2 days if had a little too much. I’m feeling superb. This afternoon the weather got out really nicely too. Tomorrow should be a nice day and things are going great. I still have things on my mind, but they will sort out. I need to be happy.

I will sleep soon.

I went to sleep at 9:30 last night, that’s 2 nights running. I almost feel like I’ve had too much sleep! I’m feeling good, alive and ready for the day ahead. This morning might be wet so I’ll see what can be done. I’ve got some paperwork I could get on with. 

I’m going to be 40 this year and I think it’s time I decided what I want from my life and go out and get it. Maybe it’s time I raised my full energy again towards some goals. I feel I’ve been drifting along. I need some discipline in life again. Enough of going on feelings. Time to use rational thinking and drive. I’ve lots yet to accomplish in life. Lots of things to work out. Time to think for myself. Too often I’m swayed by others too much. 

Right, I’ve decided it’s breakfast time, as is usually the case about now..

I’m feeling good this morning. I had a long day yesterday but a good day. I was tired last night but a good kind of tired. Sometimes I can be tired in a different way, kind of emotionally tired but physically ok or physically tired but really mentally wired. Being physically tired but wired is the worst for me. I lay down and toss and turn, my body temperature starts going up too. In fact when I am headed that way during the day my temperature can go up. Anyway, today I’m good. 

People affect me more than I have realised in the past. At least I know now. I love talking with people even though I can be nervous inside. Older people can be fantastic as they have an understanding of life and its preciousness. I guess everybody has something to give. Sometimes I feel so very alone inside myself. Maybe it’s like being a mannequin in a shop window, you can see everyone but there’s a thin layer that separates them from me, I can hear and see them but they just look a little and drift by. And like the mannequin, I can’t talk or reach out. Luckily I’m feeling more human these last few days.

Normally when I feel ok I don’t write as much as when I’m not good, but I’ve decided that maybe it’s the best time to find some answers. If I can describe the feelings without feeling them as much maybe it’ll help me.

I’m human again. I’m feeling really balanced and good. My thoughts aren’t too fast.  I’m good. It’s been a while, well a couple of weeks or so. It certainly was a mixed episode. I’ve felt extremely high and low all at the same time. Death has reared his head in life as well as my thoughts. A guy I know died in a motor bike accident a week and a bit ago and it really hit me. Most people won’t understand how these things can affect me or at another time not affect me at all. Much like when my mum was ill and died. I kind of switched right off in some respects but in others I felt the tiniest of things so deeply. Anyway today I’m feeling ok and ok is good for now. In a mixed state I contemplate suicide, I always know I’ll be ok and get through but it can fuck lots of things up along the way. The thing is that with those suicidal feelings or the dwelling on death there is the greatest joy of life. Almost like looking at a blade of grass and seeing the pure bliss of life and creation yet knowing it will get cut down and die. I guess when in a mixed state you really get to live every emotion and experience.

I’m taking creatine for my bodybuilding and I honestly think now it’s in my system it’s helped my brain. There are various studies which have found it can help unipolar depression and in some cases bipolar disorder, although it has caused hyper mania in some people. 

I’m feeling a bit arghhh today. I’ve had a meltdown of sorts. I was quite conscious but not conscious of it. Maybe it’s still ongoing but at least now I’m feeling back in my body a bit. I’m certainly aware of some tension in my shoulders and back, which seems to of actually eased a bit. I spent lots of yesterday sunbathing in my garden. Not something I usually do. It certainly helped unwind me. Last night I also drank alcohol for the first time in a year. I’d avoided it in case it brought on any issues or episodes, but in fact last night it helped clear me a little. I guess it was a useful tool. I won’t however rush back in quickly, although I have had a loose invite to a party in a couple of weeks, I’m not sure if I will go or not though. I’ve not mentioned it to my wife either as I’m not sure if I’ll go. Maybe I should go. Maybe it’ll release some more tension. I don’t know.

I have come to realise that I’ve had a few mixed state episodes. I’d not really thought about it until yesterday. I know I’ve had extreme rapid cycling. Talking about it yesterday with someone helped me realise I have been in a mixed state very recently. Maybe talking about it brought something out in me, helped me to try to see it and deal with it. I fear that I’m a looney at times. Maybe it’s time I fully embraced who I am.  I did post on Facebook last night that I have Cyclothymia etc.

I guess unless one has the thinking that I have or get its so hard to understand. My wife struggles. I feel like I’m slowly killing her, that she’s suffocating. I used to hold it in so much for so long that I honestly believe it’s why it’s come out as it has. I’ve had such strong emotions in my life to deal with and feeling things so very deeply takes its toll. I’m pretty thick skinned too!

As I said earlier I sunbathed yesterday to get my fill of vitamin d and I know that it’s going to be wet this week too so I wanted to get some sunlight in my head. 

I better get started with my week ahead. It’s time to go practice some qigong outside while I can. It’s beautiful so far out there today.

I forget earlier, but yesterday afternoon I was laying on a blow up mattress outside in the sun talking to my wife about things. I think that she may of thought I was ignoring her but whilst laying there face down I was certain it was moving. It almost felt like it was hovering. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t. I’ve halucinated before so I wasn’t too worried.

Life is pretty amazing sometimes. Today I saw a post from a friend on Facebook about mixed episodes. I’ve realised that early last week/late the week before I was in a mixed state. I had a good chat with her about things and helped as much as I could. It felt good to help and it lifted me too. 

I have found my H.P.Lovecraft books and although they’re horror books I’m going to read some stories again. I’d like to write some horror stories, provably short stories first.  I’ll look into it. Obviously not going to commit to anything though as it might be a flash in the pan idea. Who knows. I’ll see how it goes. 

My life is up and down faster than a yoyo at times but I always come through. I’ve some things I need to sort out in my life too. Which I need to get sorted and not just stagnate. I have fears to work through too which are all tied in together.  I need to be strong for myself. 

It’s a lovely sunny day outside, but in my head I’m feeling the strain a bit. I’m ok, I’m good actually, but I’m feeling the strain. The more I try to control things the harder it gets. I guess I kind of go up a level each time. I will win out though. Each battle I have the more I learn and can hopefully make progress. Hopefully I can try to share my thoughts down here for future reference. The hard part is when things are going great I don’t write too much, so I need to remember that.  Working out is keeping in me in check pretty well and I’m loving the strength I have in my body again. I’m growing pretty well, although I am getting kind of caught up in weighing myself a fair bit. I think I need to get more fluids on board more often too.

Where will I lead myself? Will I find a balance? Or happiness ?  I think so. Make it so. 

It’s not easy being me. The good bits are excellent. Most of it is good. I do feel like a stranger sometimes though. A stranger in a strange world.  My dreams have been very vivid lately too. I think I remember a H.P.Lovecraft story that I need to go read.

I am already up and have been awake since before 5. I had a couple of strange dreams, not really bad but just a bit strange. My van alarm also went off last night so I had to get up and turn it off. It’s unusual for that to happen. I felt like I’d not long gotten to sleep when it happened. I didn’t go straight to sleep either. I had a nap earlier in the evening so that was ok. 

last night I felt that I’d not been too inspired to eat enough or workout, but realised I was over thinking and that I’m actually doing really well.

Ive got a job to do today and will go a bit easy on it. I have a workout to do too. I’m feeling energised and inspired again.