I’m feeling what I class as normal now and to be honest it’s pretty boring. It’s good, but boring. Maybe I’ve yoyo’d so much lately that I can’t appreciate normal thinking fully at the minute. It does have a good purpose though and it helps me function pretty well, which I need what with running my own business. I guess it’ll do for now.
Maybe I’m starting to settle a bit again now I’m exercising regularly and doing daily qigong and meditations again. I guess I need routine far more than I’ve ever realised, well at least since living with my wife who doesn’t like to stick rigidly to routine! Before I used to bodybuild so I kept to a very strict diet and exercise schedule. I was extremely strict about what I ate and when I ate it.
Life is good and I love my life most of the time. Like I said above right now I feel pretty normal which although dull it doesn’t feel like it will hurt me. Last week I has a few moments of suicidal thoughts and feelings. When I drop right off I get very low very fast. Although I get low enough to feel suicidal my inner voice creeps in, a bit of cbt training, and reminds me that it will all be ok. In fact my inner voice has helped me out like that through some very dark tough times. Long may it continue doing so.
It’s a lovely start to the day here. Very beautiful. I woke at 6:30, so I guess I had a lay in!
I’m finding routine suits me very well, although I don’t like to be too rigid. It’s good to be able to bend a little bit, much like a young sapling blowing in the breeze. I’ve meditated twice and also done some qigong this morning. I guess my normal routine is out by 1 hour, not so bad.
Im still feeling pretty clear headed, although I do have lots of get up and go. If my energy starts to rise too much I go outside and skip and use the punchbag To control it a bit. I do love the highs though. Maybe too much.
I guess at least I know myself fully
Are we all lonely at heart? Do we all feel alone even when surrounded by others? Do we all shit our emotions away or behave in ways that ‘society’ deems acceptable only because it’s the ‘right’ thing to do? Why ? I wonder why. I have so many questions. How do other people think or feel really?
I had a moment of absolute clarity last night whilst reading in bed. I sat there and was fully present. I think I’ve not been that present since being on retreat at the end of January. Sitting here typing I feel pretty present too. I’ve been doing mind exercises for over a year using CBT techniques to be more present. Also the meditations I’ve done for years will of helped too. I guess I need to just keep going with it all.
It’s good to feel clarity again. I’m not sure I’d call it normal because most normal people are caught up in monkey mind.
I’m reading a book on working through Techniques to help control Cyclothymia, it’s called ‘ The Cyclothymia workbook’ so far it’s pretty good. It’s suggested keeping charts of moods, emotions, sleep etc. I already have started a diary covering it along with exercise and diet too. Anything to keep some clarity.
There’s a lot of stigma attached to any mental health issue. I think it’s because most people don’t understand their own mind and can’t comprehend thinking about how someone might think differently from them. I would say its a struggle for them to know how to act or be around someone with I mental health concerns. Isn’t it funny how we use that word ‘act’. We all act according to situation or the people we are around, from herd mentality to solitary mentality. Maybe some people just don’t want to understand.
I guess we are all different and some just don’t understand how different others can be. Maybe that’s why people rely on organised religion to give them a moral code to live by as its easier to behave in set ways and patterns. It’s funny how most organised religions teach tolerance but yet some religious zealots are very bigoted. That’s life I guess!
Maybe we all need to understand and respect each other more in this life and world.
Sometimes I wonder if its all worth the effort, if its worth it? I wonder why I bother.
I’m pretty sure most people think I’m an arse hole. I get paranoid that people talk about me behind my back or I try to figure out what they might be saying. I tear away at myself with false or made up conversations in my head. I imagine scenarios and arguments. I feel the pain I would feel if they remarked badly towards me. I tear myself apart badly at times, while on the outside I look normal or happy. People confuse me.
I always feel like I have to be a strong person, the one who people talk to. That has led to more suffering internally. It’s hard to show emotion or to show that I’m not altogether all of the time. I don’t think anyone understands me. My head has pain quite often, physical pain. Pressure too.
its hard to know how honest to be with people, I wear a mask most of the time. I honestly have considered the life of a hermit ora monk, living fully in solitude. Does everybody feel like I do? On the surface most people don’t seem too bad, maybe we all wear masks and maybe it’s time we all removed them and removed the blindfolds that we wear too!
Maybe the world would be a better place.
My head is spinning. I just had a call from the estate agents saying they have a viewing for our house tomorrow, if we are happy with that. In a manic moment last year I got our house valued and both my wife and I were surprised at the value, so I decided that we should sell it and buy land and build an eco house. If we do that we will be pretty much mortgage free. I talked my wife around in the end, she was quite right in that I pushed ahead and didn’t stop to think. We had interest before Christmas but no offers. we had talked about staying where we are for now to keep some stability, but what if we get offered a really good price perspective buyer?
My mind is racing and I’m not sure what the right thing would be to do. Go with our dream of building out own house and possibly being mortgage free, but with the stress involved and the fact it could take a long while or go wrong, or stay in a safe place but put our ideals behind us fora while.
When I put the house on the market I was in a full confident, manic, immortal, indestructible mind set..
I started this blog to keep a track of my thinking. The point is/was to be honest about my thoughts and feelings. I’m not sure that I can fully write it all just yet, but I’m gaining the experience and gaining the understanding. I fear I might write too much or write too darkly. At times my thoughts can get really dark.
I guess the point is that it’s my own record, my ‘diary’ if you like. I’m talking to myself, my future self here. Maybe some advice that the really crap times do get better and the great times do tail off is good advice? Maybe I know myself already? Sometimes I have absolute clarity and others I wallow in self loathing and self pity. Mostly I rise up, maybe too high, if that’s possible. I wish that I could get to my highest, most inspired levels and remain there. I have so much energy, so much passion that if I could live there all of the time enlightenment would be an easy reach. Maybe it is already an easy reach but I tie myself up every time I get almost there.
Enlightenment is the goal of where I am headed, my life’s goal, along with transcending death and achieving the rainbow body, leaving no remains even. I guess I can only keep going forwards and learning more.
Sometimes I think I’m just full of bullshit and bollocks