I feel I should write a little about my feelings of the world. My views if you will. I live an esoteric lifestyle and don’t adhere to any religion in particular, although I live a pretty Buddhist lifestyle I guess. I’m vegetarian, I don’t drink coffee or alcohol. I try not to think bad thoughts, not easy that one. I try to be kind. I think if we could all just be kind to each other the world could and would change. Look at the stigma a mental illness caries with it. If we were kind to everyone then maybe everyone could start to understand each others problems. I’m a strong believer in the power our thoughts carry, but if someone tells me to cheer up or stop being so down etc I feel like saying to them when they have a cold or broken bone etc to just think they’re well and it’ll be sorted. Mental illness is so badly understood.
I live an alternative lifestyle I guess. I meditate often, I do Qigong, I’ve been on a solitary retreat. Actually it was whilst on a solitary retreat that I started taking a good long hard look at myself. I guess it’s what led me to question myself and my mental health deeper. Maybe it even helped me start to take some control, to a degree! I guess a retreat, especially a solitary retreat, isn’t for everyone or even a good idea for everyone.
Mostly I feel that I’m blessed by the way my brain works. I honestly see it as a good thing. The down feelings hurt like hell and even my brain can ache at times but I guess it’s about balance.
I used to fear loosing my mind when I get old, but maybe I need to let all of my fears just go. Life scares me when I’m low, but exhilarates me when I’m feeling high or good.
I fear being too honest at times, too open. I fear that others just won’t understand me. It’s not that I want attention either, I’ve had people assume I’m an attention seeker.
Oh well I really love being me. Especially at the moment!
I don’t think I’ll ever understand people. I don’t understand myself a lot of the time.
Its late afternoon and its been a normal day so far. Very few strange thoughts and my mind has been pretty well behaved. I`m not sure if I`m relieved or if I am missing racing thoughts…
I`m outside doing some skipping and punchbag training and have very little aggression to hit the bag with. That must be a good sign! I really enjoy the skipping as I can get a good rhythm going and can let all thoughts go, plus its really good physical exercise too. I love being fit and having energy.
Onwards and upwards
I’ve woken up feeling pretty anxious this morning, I’m not sure why, but I feel like I’m tying myself in knots. My stomach is feeling light and edgy too. I’m trying to figure out why I feel like this but it’s adding too it too. I’ve lots I want to get done today but I don’t think it’s that. Who knows. Anyway I’m feeling anxious.
I wish I had enough money to retire or pack work in and retreat into myself deeply.
Every day I go to work I have to deal with customers face to face. I have to put my mask on to deal with it. It’s not them, it’s me. I have to listen to them talking about themselves and their lives at times, there shouldn’t be anything wrong with that in itself, but I feel like I have to be polite, listen, non judging etc when they wouldn’t want to hear anything I might have to say. I feel like I have to prostitute myself to them. Most are very nice people, so I’m lucky I guess.
How many people talk and never really listen? All they care about is feeling they’re right or are just waiting to say what they want to say. This may sound odd but at times I wish I could just tell them to shut up or scream at them. At other times I really enjoy listening to older customers talk about their lives. I’ve considered training to be a counsellor or something similar, maybe I should. At times I hate the job I have and mostly would love to work from home and avoid people. It’s hard to know what to do.
Today has been a good day so far (it’s 7:53pm). A few ups and downs but good on the whole. I didn’t do all I’d hoped but did some other things instead, so good nonetheless.
Tomorrow is another day. Lets see what it brings forwards….
Today started very full of energy, quickly followed by quite a drop off, only to rise a little to what I call normal thinking/mood.
I had a slight paranoid moment this morning whilst feeling that I’d dropped off but also had rapid thoughts too. Once my mind starts to race it ties itself in knots and its hard to calm it down.
The lad who works for me made a minor mistake which cost us maybe an hour or so of lost time. That really put me on edge, but I’ve calmed down lots since and luckily I didn’t tie myself up in thinking about it too much. I’ve found if I can’t let things go they also start to eat at me and make my thoughts race wildly.
I got up early again. I got out of bed at 6am but had been awake for almost half an hour. Qigong at 6:30 for about 10 minutes and then some skipping until just now. I’m still feeling super good. I’ve lots of work I want to get through today. I must remember not to be disappointed if I don’t achieve it all, in fact I’d rather finish on time than late.
i have a young lad who works for me. I hope he hasn’t been drinking too much over the weekend as that really affects his work and how fast he does things, which in turn makes me edgy as I know how much I can get done if I’m working alone. If I get edgy it affects him and he gets slower or makes mistakes and then we get a spiral.
The sun is looking like it will be warm today. I’ve done about 1 minute of sungazing this morning too.
Right lets get today started!
Today has been a really beautiful day here. It’s been really warm for early march. Almost 20*c
its been a good day and I feel really good. In fact I’m feeling pretty immortal right now. I’ve just done a little skipping and had to stop myself as I felt really really good, I then had a quick spurt at the punchbag with bare fists. It wasn’t even hanging up, it was just leaning against a sofa. It felt good, but I felt a bit aggressive too, so I’ve stopped and sat down. I think I need to get my weights and equipment back from my dads house soon and start working out again.
I guess I’ll have to get in contact with him again. I’ve not spoken to him for over 9 months after a falling out. Maybe I need to sort my differences out with him. Maybe I don’t too. Maybe I will just contact him and get my stuff back….
It’s now 9:32 am on the 9th March
Ive just realised that I am looking forwards to my working week ahead and am almost a little excited. I’ve not felt like this for quite some time now, possibly since before Christmas. I have lots of work booked in and am always busy but at times am completely uninspired to do more than is necessary to get by. I’m also a little nervous/anxious that I will wake up tomorrow and not feel so good. Usually I wake up quite anxious on a Monday about work. I think I need to try to just enjoy today and face tomorrow when it comes. Maybe I need to write down a list of what needs to be done day by day next week and work through it bit by bit.
Sunday 9th March
I am actually feeling pretty normal, quite human. I am actually very present and lucid in myself. I feel like I have some good energy returning and I can use that good energy to good effect right now in my life.
I did`nt go to sleep until almost 1 am but still got up before 7 am this morning. I have had lots of energy lately and have been using some of it up skipping and on the punchbag to release it a little.
I have just been outside practicing some Qigong and had a few things become clearer to me. I have realised that I am still dealing with emotions from when my Mum died 6 years ago. In fact I would say that I am still dealing with emotions from when I was 6 and she left my dad and myself. They say that time heals all wounds, but thats not fully true in my opinion. I would say time helps to subdue those feelings and can help others think that you are OK when in fact you still have to deal with those things from time to time. Sometimes on a daily basis for a while until they sink back down.
I find that when I can clear my mind and focus a little it helps to bring other things back into clarity and that helps for a while. I am trying to be able to partially control how my moods can swing. They can swing several times on a daily basis, I have Cyclothymia, and I have found that through meditating lots, doing Qigong and trying very hard to live mindfully I can sometimes realise when I am either being very moody or very high/hyper, not always but at times.
Lets see what today brings forth.