Yesterday was a long day but I’m feeling really good this morning. I’ve been up about 1/2 hour already and practiced qigong. I managed to get a lot done yesterday and have almost got back on track or even ahead. That feeds good. Onwards and upwards.

I think I’m feeling good because I’m back on track with my circadian rhythms and I’m sleeping pretty soundly too.  Work is good too and we’re very busy. A healthy mind in a healthy body.

I woke up at 5am but got up at 5:30 feeling anxious about the rest of the week ahead. I went outside and practiced qigong and the anxiety fully lifted. I realised I just need to make a plan and stick to it. I will write a lost of what needs doing and when and tick off things that are done. 

I’m feeling much better, so much so that at 6:05 I was outside starting a workout! Bring the rest of the day on.

It’s Monday morning again already and I’m refreshed and relaxed. I’m looking forwards to the week ahead and it should be a good week. I’ve been awake since 5am and have been up since 5:45. I’ve practiced qigong and have had a good meditation. I may meditate more shortly.

I’m feeling pretty ok today. I’m tired so not fully at my best. It’s 6:25pm so do I snooze a little and risk not going to sleep at my normal time or snooze and feel better or maybe snooze, feel better and then go to sleep normally? Maybe I snooze and set an alarm so it’s not a deep sleep.

It’s 7:53pm and I did have about a 10 minute snooze and woke before my alarm went off. I feel much better and am still tired.

I’m feeling good. It’s pouring with rain outside but I’m still happy. I’ve not got much to say today.

It’s Friday already and I’ve realised how quickly this week is passing on. I’ve achieved a good amount at work but haven’t set myself specific daily goals to achieve. Maybe I’ve needed this break, but maybe it’s time to get back to small goal setting daily and weekly. I’ve found my way again after my mind drifted off again. I honestly think that keeping to a set routine has the most benefit to me and I’d pushed it to one side slightly. I must keep to my circadian rhythms quite closely, it’s not always what others want, but if it stops me drifting in the wilderness for a week and a half then it’s very worthwhile.  One goal I need to keep to is knowing myself and being fully honest with myself. Doing those things in the past has led me to understanding who I am fully. I’ve also lost my way of my philosophy of life in general and it’s high time to regain that too. When one waters themselves down for the sake of others one looses part of oneself and with it goes the part oneself that the other was drawn too. I must strive to become the best version of myself I can be, possibly negating the ego whilst at it too. 

Ego is the bane of one and the blessing too.  Are we really individuals or are we part of a vast collective?  Are we so separate? Or for that matter are we so connected? 

Well today is a good day to start being the best I can be, there really is only today, only ‘now’. Now is all there is and all there ever will be.

Ah, one final thing which I know but I’m not sure I’ve admitted to fully. I have what is classed as a mental illness, it’s a curse and a blessing all at the same time. It’s time to use the blessings fully to my best advantage and time to understand the curse of it fully so that may benefit me too.

I have just had a very calming qigong session. I stood in meditation outside in a cool breeze and realised how far I’ve actually come in the last year, let alone the last 2 years. In the last year I have stopped drinking coffee, stopped drinking any alcohol ( I didn’t drink often) , I’ve gone vegetarian and almost vegan and I’ve made some very positive steps towards dealing with my Cyclothymia. There’s a long way to go bit generally I’m in a better place. I’ve also started exercising regularly too which is a huge help as I can release tension and stress.

Bruce Lee said ‘ Don’t ask for an easy life, ask for the strength to endure a difficult one’. I think he was right. My life isn’t so easy, but it’s not as hard as lots of other people’s either, so I need to remember that and be grateful for the loving family I do have and how good things are in my life.  Life really is ok. It’s as easy or hard as we make it barring others interfering in it.  

I’m going to have a good day today.

I’ve had a pretty good day today and am feeling much more human again. I’ve done a workout, which helped too. I nearly didn’t do one because of not feeling my best. Long may this last…

I’m going to go to bed earlier tonight and get lots of restful sleep.

I’m struggling to concentrate. I’ve realised this morning whilst doing qigong that I’ve not had full concentration for several days now. I think that I should go to bed early tonight and try to recuperate some normal mindedness. It’s hard to notice when it happens because it creeps in very gently. Its gone before I have a chance to act. Maybe I’m just too weak. I’m finding it hard to relax these last few days and the tension is getting too much. It never seems quiet. Life and my mind are constantly chattering away. I think I need to write lists out again so as not to forget anything because that just causes stress and anxiety, which lead me down a hole.

I honestly thought I was getting somewhere with having a hold over this. It’s affecting my wife too, which isn’t good and that in turn affects me even more through paranoia. The affects of which come out in horrible ways, horrible feelings and thoughts. Where to go with it? I don’t know. I do know it will pass but I don’t know when, that’s the problem.

I don’t have many answers right now. I need someone to talk to but I don’t know who.

Yesterday was a bank holiday so it’s back to work today. I’m feeling much more ‘human’ today too, which is a relief. I don’t know what pushed me over my limit, but there were some minor warning signs. My biggest fear now is how my wife can cope with it all. It’s really hard on her and its hard to cope. She does a fantastic job of doing it so far. She has her own fears to deal with too, so I’m really proud of her and how she holds it all together. I’m sure that I’m a nightmare to live with or deal with a lot of the time. 

I have lots of work coming in and might expand my business. I’m not sure fully yet but things are looking really good in that respect. I’ll not pressure myself as much now though like I have in the past.