{"id":1603,"date":"2016-08-19T17:37:57","date_gmt":"2016-08-19T17:37:57","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/thebipolarbuilder.com\/?p=1603"},"modified":"2016-08-19T17:37:57","modified_gmt":"2016-08-19T17:37:57","slug":"friday-same-shit-different-day","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thebipolarbuilder.com\/?p=1603","title":{"rendered":"Friday same shit different day"},"content":{"rendered":"

The sad thing is that which goes up must come down. The older I get the more I seem to come down quicker from a high rather than it lasting a long while. I’ve been pushing myself physically and mentally again and it’s taking its toll. \u00a0I’m beating myself up over my life and my past and countless scenarios that aren’t even real. The black Shuck is chasing me with his teeth dripping with blood. \u00a0His blood lust is huge and he gets ever closer. He knows he will get a bite of me sooner or later. He knows my self doubts and fears. He chases relentlessly. \u00a0I told myself I wouldn’t push myself like this again. \u00a0I told myself I would calm it down. \u00a0Circles within circles. Cycles within cycles. Every year the highs and lows seem to form a regular pattern. I fight it. I try hard to stop it or slow it but it still creeps up on me. Luckily the last few weeks have been bordering on mania but haven’t quite got there. Maybe it’s the Lamotrigine helping or maybe it happens like this every year until November and December which often seem like a haze of mania and craziness which I don’t see at the time. My mind breaks so easily now it scares me. \u00a0Others are less aware of it these days too. I wear my mask ever tighter and keep things ever closer to me. \u00a0I feel like a shadow person living in an alternate dimension or reality that overlaps what would and could be classed as the normal waking world. \u00a0I am meant for so much more than this. I’m meant for greatness. I need to break these cycles. I need to fear less. I fear my mind breaking because it will affect my family. \u00a0I don’t fear it from my own perspective because I’ve been there before and it is what it is. \u00a0 It’s already fragmenting into pieces. It’s like a person who has planted lots of explosives and sits back calmly and pushes the detonator while smiling madly to themselves. \u00a0Madness is insight. Maybe that’s the key. \u00a0Maybe it must be fully fully embraced. \u00a0Much like death should be. \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The sad thing is that which goes up must come down. The older I get the more I seem to come down quicker from a high rather than it lasting a long while. I’ve been pushing myself physically and mentally again and it’s taking its toll. \u00a0I’m beating myself up over my life and my … Continue reading Friday same shit different day<\/span> →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1603","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/thebipolarbuilder.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1603"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/thebipolarbuilder.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/thebipolarbuilder.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thebipolarbuilder.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thebipolarbuilder.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1603"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/thebipolarbuilder.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1603\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1604,"href":"https:\/\/thebipolarbuilder.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1603\/revisions\/1604"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/thebipolarbuilder.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1603"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thebipolarbuilder.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1603"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thebipolarbuilder.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1603"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}