{"id":1718,"date":"2017-05-17T06:29:15","date_gmt":"2017-05-17T06:29:15","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/thebipolarbuilder.com\/?p=1718"},"modified":"2017-05-17T06:30:13","modified_gmt":"2017-05-17T06:30:13","slug":"tired-4","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thebipolarbuilder.com\/?p=1718","title":{"rendered":"Tired"},"content":{"rendered":"

Yesterday was the second year since my dad died. \u00a0I took Fynn fishing last night but we were both too tired and he was grumpy. Everything I did he said was wrong and I got pissed off. \u00a0He was pissed off too. Sometimes fishing trips can be like that. Hopefully the next one will be better. It’s strange because it wasn’t planned in advance. Often when they’re not they don’t seem to go well. Anyway I’m tired. I’ve been wondering if I’m showing the first signs of being unwell or getting unwell but I’m not sure and it’s bloody hard to work it out. \u00a0It can make me feel slightly lost inside. \u00a0I have ordered a new reel and rod and a new reel for Fynn too but last night it felt pointless and I started beating myself up mentally thinking I shouldn’t of spent the money. The internal chatter niggled at me and I had no energy left inside to fight it or question it. \u00a0I know dates of things affect me and I guess I’m expecting, or had expected, yesterday to kind of manifest something or to trigger something. \u00a0I know the internal tiredness affects how I perceive myself and what’s going on. \u00a0The small things seem to add up and seem to ‘signify’ things and slight paranoia creeps in. I can’t tell if I’m misreading things and am paranoid or if I’m highly tuned in and am spot on. \u00a0The lines blur. \u00a0They morph into a kind of reverie but not at the same time. \u00a0I think I might go back to bed for an hour and go to work slightly later and nip it in the bud. One of the jobs I’m working on is almost finished and it’s looking good so best I don’t stress myself. \u00a0When I pressure myself things don’t flow naturally and I won’t force things anymore. I’ve found things have been going well lately and I’ve let them flow. Often when I push myself, telling myself I’m lazy and nasty, then I get more unwell. \u00a0I need to level this off and smooth the lines out rather than push and push and set myself back again. I’ve been level for a few months and nothing will get in the way of me keeping myself level. \u00a0I’ve too much to loose, my sanity mostly. \u00a0The strange thing is that feeling tired, off it and edgy is something I had got used to for so many years and I thought I’d miss it. \u00a0I don’t miss it but yet there’s a familiarity with it and it feels ‘homely’ as if it’s part of me when really it isn’t but is I guess. \u00a0Yes. \u00a0It is part of who I am when unwell BUT it’s not a defining part of me and not who I am fully. \u00a0Some rest it is then. \u00a0An hour extra rest can mean doing more work in less time and yet again over the last few weeks I’ve seen it to be true and seen it in action. Maybe I’ll discuss this with the psychologist on Monday. \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Yesterday was the second year since my dad died. \u00a0I took Fynn fishing last night but we were both too tired and he was grumpy. Everything I did he said was wrong and I got pissed off. \u00a0He was pissed off too. Sometimes fishing trips can be like that. Hopefully the next one will be … Continue reading Tired<\/span> →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1718","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/thebipolarbuilder.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1718"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/thebipolarbuilder.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/thebipolarbuilder.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thebipolarbuilder.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thebipolarbuilder.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1718"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/thebipolarbuilder.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1718\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1721,"href":"https:\/\/thebipolarbuilder.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1718\/revisions\/1721"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/thebipolarbuilder.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1718"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thebipolarbuilder.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1718"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thebipolarbuilder.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1718"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}