I’m tired and I’m low on energy. Some of it is down to bipolar, some of it is down to having to work my tits off yet again just trying to stay afloat and some of it is down to my gallstone. Today I’ve had slight rumblings in my right side caused by the gallstone. All of the above play on each other. I’ve popped in to do some work after finishing work, yes it doesn’t make that much sense really but it does too. I’m broke in all ways. I will recover again yet I’m sure. I’m fighting hard to just stay afloat but also to get slightly ahead as I’ve got a date for the operation to remove my gallbladder. I’m in to be operated on on 12th October. Part of my brain is telling me I’ll die in the op. The other part, the rational part, is telling me it’s just a normal procedure and everything will be fine. My paranoia is playing up with me over it. It’s something I’ll just have to live with. If it’s straight forwards keyhole surgery I’ll be off work for 2 weeks. If they have to switch to open surgery, highly unlikely, I’ll be off work for up to 10 weeks. 2 weeks off I can almost survive financially. Almost. Up to 10 weeks and we’re fucked. Stress rises inside. I’m still working out with Fynn and regaining muscle and strength and it should help with recovery. Regardless my mood isn’t the best it could be.
Every year is like an extended Groundhog Day. Things come along and hit around the same time every year. I fight hard. I fight to keep afloat but it always happens. I’m in debt again. My plans to have money in my personal and business accounts by now have failed. I’ve worked as hard as ever but to no avail. I fight and fight but always hit a stumbling block. I push and push and make myself unwell just to keep my head above water but it’s failing. Maybe there is a God and maybe I’m being punished. I’ve been punished my whole life so why should things change now. I’m not a nice person no matter how hard I try to be decent and kind. I’m tired of this bipolarity and see that it will only get worse as I get older. I see it every year. I try to keep going and keep balanced yet I get pushed and pulled from all sides. There is no respite. I can see when things started to go wrong but there’s no way of going back in time. It is what it is. I have no choice now other than to keep going and work stupid hours. I know I’ll get tired. I know that it will affect my mental health again and I know I’ll probably break. Maybe I should just embrace the craziness of it all and let it flow. I have to work lots just to get the money in fast because I have an operation on 12th October so will be off work for at least 2 weeks. I’m not sure I’ll be ahead by then though. It’s all a huge mess.
I think I have to face the fact that no matter how hard I work I will always be in debt. I had plans laid out at the end of last year to be well ahead by now yet it’s the opposite. I’m not ahead. I’m £6 off the limit of my £10k business overdraft. It’s not the first time it’s been like this and I know I’ll claw my way back again and get money in but it’s endless. It’s constant. No matter how hard or long I work something always comes along that costs me money just as things look better. It’s not my attitude to things as I always keep going and pushing. I always try to keep smiling and try to outwardly just be what others think they see. Inside it’s often a different story. The whole idea of wurking hard gets you ahead is bollocks. It’s a rigged system. It’s rigged to keep poor people poor, to keep those who are just about comfortably off in debt enough to keep pushing but mostly it’s about making the rich even richer. It’s rigged that way. With as hard as you want but you’ll still get had somewhere. Regardless I’ll keep going and keep pushing. I have no other choice. I’ll die young from some illness brought on by stress and debt. People will say I worked hard or too hard. They’ll say this and that. They’ll project their owns fears outwards. The truth is most of us are over our heads but we fool ourselves into thinking, or saying, that we’re better off than this or that person. We do it to keep ourselves sane/insane and to keep going instead of folding and realising the truth. It all sucks donkeys. Fuck it all is what I say.
Today has started wet. It will dry out around mid day. I’ve 2 inside jobs I could of gone too but instead I decided to be very sensible, instead of just chasing the wage, and take a few hours out. I’ve been unwell with a nasty stomach virus and having got over it I’ve been back to work and it’s been hot. Far too often I get caught up in just working lots trying to get head with money. It’s quite crazy to do this as it can be very detrimental to my health in all respects and I end up getting unwell mentally and or physically. As I get older I’m noting it more and acting upon it sooner. By doing this I can stop it lasting so long and with mental unwellness it can often stop what could be the start of a big episode. It’s taken a long while to get to this stage of being able to recognise these things early enough. Often these things can creep up on me. What I have noticed is when they start to I don’t double question the little things, as that in itself can start them, very much these days. I’ve found that using logic where possible helps this enormously.
I’ve noticed that most of the time my year seems to go in a circle but with each passing year I can tweak it and ease the bad bits out. Yet again I’m almost up to the hilt of my £10k business overdraft, I’ve £6 available, towards the end of August. This happens most years and last year was no exception. The end of December last year saw the business account with just under £10k in it. That’s a huge turnaround and I’ve noticed my thinking has again switched to business and getting ahead with money, as it usually does this time of year. This year however I’m not only going to replicate it I’m going to keep onto that money instead of it dissipating. What I won’t do however is half kill myself doing it. That only leads to a crash in mental and physical energy for the first few months of the new year. I will formulate a plan to take more short breaks from work to refresh myself. Earlier this year Fynn and I did fish a lot and it made a huge difference although it did cut into my bank balance. You can’t buy those memories though and it’s worth it.
Life is a strange thing. It feels like it goes in circles. Yet again I’m penniless. It’s always this time of year. It always affects my mind badly and can cause untold stress. I’m off Facebook yet again, often this time of year I come off, and I’m having less contact with friends. In fact I have very little contact with friends these days. Some friends I’d love to hear from but I don’t. I even wonder if one friend has blocked me but hey ho. That’s life I guess. Maybe they’ll make contact when they’re ready. Who knows. I often miss chatting.
Work is busy as always and I need to really get motivated and get major money in yet again. It’ll happen. I always make it happen. I have a way of digging deep when I need to and a way of getting what I want when I focus on it.
Fynn and I haven’t fished much lately as there aren’t many fish about and there’s been too much seaweed close in. The last decent fish I caught was the Tope which is a shark. Instead of fishing we are doing distance casting in a field and we’ve done a few tournaments already. It’s a very strange sport that’s for sure. At least it’s giving me some focus outside of work. On the whole I’m OK but I’m still getting blips. Hey ho. That’s life.
The past week or more has seen my mind speed up, paranoia start and rational thinking go out of the window. I have not fought with it as often that makes it worse. It is easing now. My sleep needs to get back on track, although this time of year I need a bit less anyway and it’s extremely hot too and it has been for the past month or two. This morning I can see clearly again and my thinking is more rational and slower. I’ve even managed to meditate and read for a while. I am once again writing down goals in my little book. Life is like a year and a year is like life. We go through spring, summer, Autumn and winter. Spring in life and the year sees life springing forwards and growth even though it starts slow. The planning for life and the year ahead gets underway. Summer is the time of long balmy days and a relaxed attitude usually. It’s a time when we feel there’s so much time left to do so many things. We socialise, we feel alive and feel that nothing can stop us. Autumn is the time when things gently, at first, allow down. The energy starts to subtly subside. We start reflecting on the past months and life albeit with rose tinted g,asses and still planning for the year and life ahead. We have amazing focus. It’s the time to start to reap the harvest and the rewards of work Putin earlier in the year and life. Winter is the time of contraction and connection. We connect with the most important elements of ourselves as daylight reaches its shortest levels just as in life we feel that time moves faster. Being older and wiser gives us opportunity to reflect more and also time to slow things down that can often seem to just happen to us. We can taken step back and look deeper into things. We can adjust things more finely. The most important things in life tend to shine through. The bullshit often stops, if we let it, and we filter things better as we are wiser.
It’s good to be able to mentally step back and look at things with different eyes.
I wrote a blog post recently but after it had been up an hour or two I deleted it. I was saying in it how shit my life is. It’s still not great and I’ve had a few hiccups but things will settle again. My sleep hasn’t been great and I’ve noticed a few of the arming signs and I’ve been triggered a bit too. I’ll survive. I’ll thrive. I’ll grow again. I am contemplating coming off medication as well. I will have blips on them or off them. Who knows. I might just stick to them.
Things are good in most respects of my life but I guess I strive for perfection in some areas. Not only are we still fishing but we have now also joined a casting club to get better technique and distance in the field which we can use on the beach. Since last blogging some things have changed in that respect. I’ve now been in 2 tournament casting matches. More practice needed. I like my life to be busy.
The past constantly crops up for me. Childhood led to the bipolar and complex ptsd. Things get weird. Thoughts run free beyond. Tiredness envelops waking wonder. Glory. Consciously unconscious.
I’m keeping myself busy with life. Work is busy. Growing food keeps me busy. Fishing is keeping me busy. I think I’ve been mentally avoiding so much. One thing I’ve avoided is that the 11th July was my mums birthday or would of been if she were alive. Death. It comes to us all and most of us will ever know when it’s coming. Some choose when though. I ran out of coffee a week or more ago, I’ve got some again now though, and I take the minimal amount of Lamotrigine that I’m on when I have coffee in the mornings. A few times and for a few days I forgot to take it as I’d not drank coffee. The coffee serves as a reminder of it too. Anyway I think I could come off the meds anyhow. I’m not sure I need them now as I cope well with most things in life even though it’s often getting by by the skin of my teeth. So am I avoiding shit or am I just living life? What a fucking quandary. I’ll go with a bit of both and a side order of garlic bread. It is what it is. The only person I run from is myself.
I’m not feeling too motivated and not feeling like I can be arsed with much. Work is busy but mixed at the minute. One job I’ve been doing have asked me to do more pretty much straight away. I agreed and rearranged work accordingly but now I’m not sure if everything will be here tomorrow and if not I can’t get on. I’ll take a few days off. I can’t be arsed either way.
I had a drink Saturday night. It’s affected me and I feel crap. I feel depressed or the start of it. Stupidly I drank last night too. Drink hits me a few days later and affects my mental health. I’ll feel really shit later in the week once last night hits too. I’m stupid. I know it affects me. Self punishment. Again.
Earlier I felt like I was breaking. Maybe I am. My plans from late last year have gone to shit. I’m still in my business overdraft. I’m still in my personal overdraft. It sucks. The harder I work the worse it seems. I think I’m still broken from a couple of years ago and that shit still fucks me up. Shit doesn’t go away for me. I guess it does for others. Lucky fuckers.