It’s been a while

It’s been quite some time since I’ve posted in here and a lot has changed in the world.  We’ve been kind of locked down here in the UK but restrictions are easing.  The lockdown has shown up that it’s highly likely my daughter has bipolar too.  Her sleep has become erratic. She’s often showing signs of hypomania and anger or depression at others too.  It’s seriously affected her even if it’s just down to the restrictions.  I’ve carried on working right through as I’m working on renovating an empty annex.  I’d foreseen we would go into lockdown so was mentally prepared and physically prepared too.  I knew something was brewing from autumn last year.  It’s affected me a bit too.  I initially found myself obsessing over the virus and where it could lead us. There will no doubt be a second wave from late September/October onwards so I suggest getting extra food supplies in.  I also think the food supply chain could be affected by it and shortages of food grown could be a reality too.  One thing what has shown up from this is how our house isn’t as happy as I’d like it to be.  There’s a hell of a lot of underlying issues here.  Especially between my wife and myself.  Often things are very cold and it’s like I’m punished, and have been for years and years, so I need to reassess things in the not too distant future.  I’m 45 and not sure I can live the rest of my life sexless and lacking closeness.  I’ve tried to cope with it for 10 or so years now and it’s not getting easier.  Resentments grow. I guess with my daughter showing early signs of her mh suffering I’ll have to seriously consider my choices in life for now.  I’ll ponder lots first but I hate feeling like I’m always in the way, or unwelcome,  in my own home, the home I’m mostly paying all of the bills for at that! 

And the world has changed

What a very strange world and strange times we are living in.  This will not be over in a matter of weeks.  Here in the UK the Prime Minister has the virus, as do other men Evers of Parliament, but I think he will get very unwell from it.  It’s strange because maybe Tuesday of last week I told a few I thought he had it.  I’m sure I’m wrong but I get a strange feeling he may well die from it.  A few things clicked the other day regarding it.  Who knows.  Anyway we are on partial lockdown and lots of people aren’t working. I am still working because I’m in the building trade.  There’s so many who aren’t taking any precautions here in the UK and are flouting this partial lockdown.  I think within a week we will go on full lockdown.  We should of 3+ weeks ago really.  There will be a lot of deaths.  Infections will keep rising. Once things start to settle and restrictions are lifted a second wave will come.  It’ll be far worse too.  I can see this carrying on at least 18 months.  Once this is over so much will of changed. Lots will never go back to how it was.  

Life and time

Life. It’s passing by ever faster.  Last Thursday was the 12th anniversary of my mums death. Dates get to me. It doesn’t matter how prepared I am they always seem to skew things a bit.  The last week or two of been edgy. Today I’ve noticed that I’ve been pretty wired at least for a week. I’ve been waking a few times in the night and the broken sleep has affected me detrimentally.  I’m still in better shape than previous years though. It’s the second Sunday running I’ve had a callout to work due to the storms and I’ve been working at least 2-4 hours on Saturdays so I guess I’ve now worked for 14 days running for at least an hour on both Sundays. I think I’m getting a head cold, I’m usually physically unwell around now too! More vitamin c needing to be taken.

 I’ve  started my growing season off already. I already have chilli seedlings. I need to up my game again this year.  

Where’s life headed?

It’s a seriously fucked up world we live in. Most don’t realise but supermarkets only have about 3 days worth of supplies stocked and if there’s a panic for any reason it’s be maybe gone in a day. We have so much uncertainty in this modern world. We don’t have food security any more.  We’re tied to technology. We are becoming cyborgs and can’t even see it  most of the time.  We’re online on phones, iPads or other computers more and more. We leave parts of ourselves online, like this blog, so are maybe reaching some kind of immortality in digital form.  We are becoming more but less.  Because of these things I’ve bought something to break my reliance and addiction. Something so simple. A watch. A simple cheap £7.49 Casio digital wrist watch.  It’s battery powered but I might very soon buy a wind up one, I’ve one earmarked that’s £12. My thinking is to leave my phone in my van when at work or certainly away from me.  I hate that these devices are spying and listening all the time. Divisive devices at that.  Apps share info with each other. Even when turned off an iPhone, others too I’m sure, can and do still listen in! We need to wake the fuck up to this.  We need to escape.  

Here we are again

Well I’ve made it to another birthday. I’m 45. Fortyfuckingfive. I never thought I’d get here. Yet it’s been like a blink of an eye. I guess I’m kind of shocked.  I’d intended for this to be a better birthday than usual but yet again it’s pretty shit.  I’ve had 1 card and 1 gift and that was from friends of mine. My kids haven’t wished me happy birthday yet.  My wife has been a bit unwell the last few days so hasn’t got me a card or anything from her or the kids. The usual leaving things until the last minute has gone tits up again.  I think next year I’ll go away on my own out of the way, assuming I’m still around.  It looks like I’ll be cooking dinner for us again tonight too because Kara has decided to go to bed and go on Facebook. She was up there when Fynn and I got in from the gym. Who knows maybe she’ll decide to come down later.  Such is life.  

Still with virus

This virus abd sore throat are lingering. I didn’t do a workout tonight. I took Fynn to our gym but only did warm ups with him the trained him. I tried to train but I’m too worn out. We put the weights I normally use on the dumbbells and I struggled to lift one dumbbell with both hands let alone one in each so I gave up.  It’s for the best while feeling shitty. I have taken myself off Facebook again tonight as I’ve found myself being slightly antagonistic. Maybe more than slightly. Hey ho. Strength will soon come back physically. Mentally I need to recoup. 

Unwell

I’ve got a kind of virus/sore throat thing going on since yesterday. I’ve dropped about 3 pounds in body weight too! Never good when you’re bodybuilding but once this illness goes the weight will soon go back on.  I’m wondering if it’s why I’ve been a bit wired and a bit hypomanic the past week. It could well be. In fact I hope it is because at least that means it’s not just down to mental health issues.  I’d think the weight dropping is some fluid loss from being warm and also having a headache all day. I need it gone by tomorrow so it doesn’t affect my workouts too much. I’ll go lighter next week anyway. We’d already decided that because last week we hit it hard. If the hypomania, it’s mild, is down to this I’ll be very happy.  I’ll be glad for the thoughts to slow down that’s for sure.  

Sleeping a bit better

Last night I slept much better. I kept myself awake about 15 minutes longer than normal to try to be a bit more tired. It worked. My alarm woke me this morning. I’m usually up 20 minutes before it goes off.  It’s kind of an insurance policy rather than an alarm.  I’m tired tonight already as we did a workout tonight.  It was leg day.  We hit it really hard and used more weight than previously. I was hypomanic a bit today but not an onslaught.  It’s easing off.  It happens this time of the year so I guess it’s par for the course. It’ll soon be my birthday, 19th November, and dates are a fucker for me anyway.  I’m looking forwards to it this year. Maybe I always do but this year I’m more calm and quiet about it.

Life is good. 

Shit etc

I now have 20,800 subscribers. It’s brought a shit load of spam comments though. Over 2,300 comments to go through to check if any aren’t spam….great.

So where am I at? I’ve had moments of hypomania the last few days.  I’ve been waking up 2 or so hours earlier than normal even taking into account the clocks changing last weekend.  Working out is going well. I’m leaning off bodyfat and putting muscle on too and am now holding at about 217 pounds or 15 stone 7 pounds.  I’m tired again so I know I’m growing again.  I’ve added cardio too which has helped my cardiovascular fitness very quickly.  It’s surprising how putting size on reasonably fast can affect me.  Everything is getting bigger.  I love it.