Discipline

Ive realised I’m not as disciplined as I should be. I don’t meditate enough. I must meditate more to rid myself of the sheer sexual frustration I have. Loving in a sexless marriage isn’t easy and it’s not going to go away. I’m 46 and have realised I very soon need to make some serious decisions about my life. Can I survive the rest of it living in a sexless intimacy lacking marriage? Hmmm. My wife has told me she has zero interest in sex or intimacy and it won’t change.  It’s a cruel twist of fate in life and one that I seriously struggle with.  I feel selfish for thinking like this but how can, or should, one person decide what both people in a relationship will or will not do in that regard. I’m having to question how dead a relationship has to be for it to reach that level.

I think I need to meditate a lot more and need to bring much more discipline into my life again.  Magick seems to be calling me again too.  Maybe life is starting to show me a way forwards now.  I must ponder on this all much more I think.  

Shit that’s thrown me

yesterday I had a conversation with my mother in law.  Several things came up, one of which was something my mum told her years ago and told her not to tell me. She’s been dead 13 years and I think it was quite some time before that that she told my mother in law. My Mother in law thought about telling me a couple of years ago but the time and opportunity never arose.  It’s shocking how a few sentences about things that happened when I was 6 or 7 have raked up a lot of memories.  Memories that were suppressed but some of them came back almost instantly. Talk about huge emotional build up in an instant! A few sentences that threw light on so many things and there will be many more memories that crop up.  Much more makes sense about my earlier life but it’s also started more confusion too.  I had very vivid dreams last night about people who died years ago.  I’ve woken up this morning to a slight headache and my ears are ringing badly.  I feel like although I slept I was actually awake in my dreams or I another reality.  So much more to figure out.  I think I need time away from lots of things to digest it all.  Sometimes we know ourselves pretty fully but don’t know about things that shaped that person from childhood.  More memories creep back in.  This shit is around 40 years ago but will maybe haunt me forever.  

Easter break off is it?

It’s good Friday and I’ve worked a bit this morning.  I’ll do a bit more tomorrow too. Maybe Monday. It’s crazy busy tunes and all good.  All work and no play can be dull though. Maybe it’s time to make some time to play.  Mentally I’m in a great place.  I guess not having debts helps.  Happy Easter C.  

Shocked

I’m pretty shocked.  This blog has over 42,000 subscribers.  I’ve no idea how many are bots or real people.  I know I get a good amount of spam comments but I just delete those and the users who spam.

 Life’s good.  I’ve cleared some debts.  Work is busy. I’m mentally pretty ok now.  Such a strange time out in the word with so much strangeness going on.  Lots of corruption too. What a shitshow.  If you’re struggling just keep going.  Things do get better if you put the work in. Keep your head down and keep focused.  Write down daily, weekly, monthly and yearly goals and tick them off.  

The Force

Use the Force Luke.   I’m using the force again. Im very productive too.  I’m resting well, going to bed early, sleeping well and getting up early. My days are spot on and I’m not letting things stress me much.  Life is good.  

Silver-squeeze

I’ve been onboard a while but here goes.  SILVER-SQUEEZE SILVER-SQUEEZE SILVER-SQUEEZE SILVER-SQUEEZE SILVER-SQUEEZE SILVER-SQUEEZE SILVER-SQUEEZE SILVER-SQUEEZE SILVER-SQUEEZE SILVER-SQUEEZE SILVER-SQUEEZE SILVER-SQUEEZE SILVER-SQUEEZE SILVER-SQUEEZE SILVER-SQUEEZE SILVER-SQUEEZE SILVER-SQUEEZE SILVER-SQUEEZE SILVER-SQUEEZE SILVER-SQUEEZE SILVER-SQUEEZE SILVER-SQUEEZE SILVER-SQUEEZE SILVER-SQUEEZE SILVER-SQUEEZE SILVER-SQUEEZE SILVER-SQUEEZE SILVER-SQUEEZE SILVER-SQUEEZE SILVER-SQUEEZE SILVER-SQUEEZE SILVER-SQUEEZE SILVER-SQUEEZE SILVER-SQUEEZE SILVER-SQUEEZE SILVER-SQUEEZE SILVER-SQUEEZE SILVER-SQUEEZE SILVER-SQUEEZE SILVER-SQUEEZE.

Up and down

It’s a year of up and down so far. Stress too.  Things could be better my mind weighs heavily on itself.  Sometimes I wish I wasn’t me.  More so lately.  Not good.  Death fixation/fantasies.  Hmmm.  What is it all.  So far so good so what.  One day I’ll Rust in Peace unless I Ride The Lightening to The Number of The Beast.  It’s bit of a cunt over analysing oneself.  I guess I’m one of the Children of the Damned.  Tired so often these days.  I’ve had weeks of very very vivid dreams.  The other night I had David Bowie singing for me but it was in a code or different language.  He had 2 big rotten front teeth.  It’s was pretty esoteric.  I need to figure it out.  I’ve been dreaming about other dead people too, family members included.  One day I’ll go home, wherever that is.  I’ll find it.  Crackdown lockdown kickdown blockdown blah blah blah.  We are all SERIOUSLY fucked if we don’t fight back.  

Joyless

The world seems pretty joyless to me at the moment.  Seeing what’s going on and what’s being pushed forwards is quite a scary thing.  I think they’re trying to beat people down bit by bit.  The economy will inevitably crash, which I think is preplanned.  Times will get tough. Depopulation is here in some respects.  Restrictions will go on far longer than most dare to think about.  People think that by doing everything the government tells them is the best way and that anyone who questions things are putting loves at risk, are ‘killing granny, are Covid deniers etcetera. These sane people say that you mustn’t question the science and the science is the only way out of it are fools.  The whole idea of science IS to question things.  It’s there to truly test things.  The idea of political opposition should be to question the government and not just blindly go along with things.  There are huge warning signs as to where this usually leads.  Governments do NOT relinquish power easily.  This is not going to go away by people being vaccinated.  People are making up their own false narratives of how doing x, y or z will be how we get out of this.  They are false.  This control over the people needs to be seen for what it is.  Control.  People cannot press their MP’s hard anymore. The best you can do is email or leave a voicemail.  No more face to face meetings.  They’re becoming faceless.  Things that have been put in place have nefarious ends to them.  

Mid January thoughts 2021

Life is very strange for most of us right now.  So many undercurrents in the world. Everything is changing.  They don’t want us going back to where we were.  They want The Great Reset and the ‘new normal’ and to 6uild 6ack 6etter.  I have drawn my line in the sand.  I will stand firm.  Things will get tougher as the year goes on.  I won’t take an experimental jibjab.  Wise men say “only fools rush in”. Very true.  Boiling frog time for so many.  With all what has been going on I missed a friends birthday.  Happy belated birthday.

  I decided that I can live without medication if needed or wanted.  However I did go back on them for now.  If I decide to come off them again, invariably I will, I’ll do it when I can be more disciplined with daytime activities. Christmas holidays was a good time but not enough structure.  

2021 and what lays ahead

Well here we are now in  2021.  What to say? Hmmm.  Well I’ve now been meds free for 3 weeks. I’ve had 2 weeks off work over Christmas and I’m not reading to go full pelt again. We are now back in a national lockdown in England, the rest of the UK are too, but I have been fully expecting it so I’m not at all shocked.  I’m sure this one will go on until at least April, possibly longer, and will cause untold misery for many and it will also play on people’s mental health even more because it’s winter and it feels like it’s been going on almost forever.  There’s a huge push from government for people to be vaccinated with one of the brand new vaccines that have been pushed through, testing is still ongoing and I know Pfizer have said it’ll be about 24 months before results from stage 3 of testing are in.  So much is going on behind the scenes from governments twisting figures and outright lying about facts and figures. Schools here were due to open and due to start testing students weekly using the lateral flow tests even though The British Medical Journal have said in an online article, dated 23rd December, that theres a high number of false positives from these. The PCR tests give high percentages of false positives too.
Link To BMJ article: 

https://www.bmj.com/content/371/bmj.m4941

There a hell of a lot more going on which I’ve bitten my tongue over for months but a lot of what’s going on is to do with the World Economic Forum’s ‘Great Reset’.  You can find lots of info out about this on their own website and their own YouTube channel. Prince Charles fully backs it and spears in some of their videos.  Link to their website: 

https://www.weforum.org/great-reset/         

Link to their YouTube channel :  

https://youtube.com/worldeconomicforum

   I honestly think we are in for one hell of a rough ride from now onwards. Things are changing and those changes are accelerating….