Is it worth the effort to simply keep pushing and keep going in a world that is pitted against us? I feel like the more I try to get ahead or push forwards in life the more it takes out of me. I try to never give up but there must come a point where keeping going simply isn’t worth the effort. Maybe just getting by is all I have left within myself. What really is the point/reason of and for life? We are pitted against a ‘machine’ that just keeps rolling and rolling. It churns away taking our time and our life up. We reach retirement with our best years gone. For what end! I’m tired.
Sometimes the best thing one can do is retreat into oneself. Self defence. I don’t think I’m a people person.
It’s still snowy here, we’ve had almost a week of bad weather, and it’s starting to get to me. We’ve hardly been out. I’ve not worked a full week either. I’d not want to be stuck on a space station that’s for sure. Maybe it’s because I have a cold as well as the ground being frozen that I feel like this. There’s very little I can do outside. I’ve pottered about in the polytunnel but that’s about it. I’ve had biliary colic a bit for the last 2 days as well. I guess I ought to go back to the doctors again and see what they think. It was mentioned that if it flares up again I could get referred for surgery. I’d rather avoid that but I’d also not want it to get a bit more serious.
Goals have been slower lately. I need to whip myself back into shape and crack on. No point just lingering in life. I need to push myself along. I guess once the sun comes out again I’ll get an energy boost and get lifted. I feel slow. Too slow. I need energy again. It’ll happen I’m sure. Maybe I need more outside contact again. I have no contact with friends really. I’m not sure I have close friends or special now. Such is life. Easy to loose contact.
I’m waking up about 5:30 most mornings now but sometimes earlier. I think some of it is a little anxiety but not sure. Maybe my sleep patterns have changed a bit. Who knows. I think some of it is down to having lots of work to price, which is good, and some of it is a bit of an off shoot of getting low on meds just over a week ago and eking them out a bit by taking half dose. The lower dose did affect me and it’s made me realise that if and when I come off them I’m going to have to taper off gently. Dropping down to half over night isn’t great and was bumpy as hell. I felt like I was going to start an episode but now think it was more the sudden change in meds amount that hit me instead. My confidence hasn’t been as high as usual the last week either. I’m getting back on track again now though and I knew that a few days of lower meds then going back to full would take at least a week to get over. I had wondered if it was psychosomatic but I’m quite sure it was as I have kept to my usual strict routine. My mourning routine is the thing that keeps me on a good path. It sets me up for the day ahead. Once I’ve been up for an hour or so my body and mind catch up with each other and wake up properly together. I’m also quite aware that it’s usual to feel edgy this time of year as it’s just been both of my children’s birthdays and in just over another week it will be the 10th anniversary of my mum dying. It’s usually a tricky time regarding my mind. I’m still in a pretty good place regardless of a few strange dreams that have involved certain threats to myself.
I’ve been waking up a bit earlier than usual for a few days. This morning I was awake at 4am but dozed off and woke up several times before getting up at 6am. I’ve noticed my mood has been slightly different for a few days. Some of this I put down to the mornings starting to get light earlier and some of it down to only taking half my usual dose of Lamotrigine for a few days as I was running out. Some of it is down to my children’s birthdays and the anniversary of my mother dying. I’m being watchful anyway. Also my wife is rubbing me up the wrong way and I’m biting my lip over a few things with her. I guess that’s life. I’m not sure I’d want to live with me when I’m irritable or tired let alone in an episode. I’ve decided to kick my own arse a bit again as a few things were slipping. Hitting my goals for one and also keeping on top of paperwork as well. Such is life. At least I’m not off my head so to speak and am able to keep a good amount of focus on it all.
Ive been mulling lots over the last few days. I’ve been thinking about life and death and what a human existence is really about. My own existence mostly I guess but humans in general. Even animals. Maybe even the whole universe. What are we really and where does everything really come from? For now I’m happy to let them be as they are, and that’s kind of fleeting thoughts, thoughts that I don’t follow too deeply as it can be a rabbit hole. I’m not too interested in going down another rabbit hole again. Anyway so I’ve been musing it a little while at work.
Work is very busy and my plans are still going kind of as I had planned. I’ve forgotten a few little things the last few days. Things like stretching in the morning and also writing out my daily work goals on my phone so I can tick things off as I go along. I usually set time targets for certain jobs too. I feel I’ve drifted a little as I’ve not written them out but I’ve still been really busy and productive. I’m still mostly on track with my morning and daily routines but I will write out my normal morning routine on my phone or iPad later. One thing I have been doing is checking emails not long after getting up at 6 ish instead of waiting until after 7. I even had thoughts about Facebook and some Facebook friends today but realised my mind wasn’t focused and was trying to trick me back down the Facebook road. I quickly took can the of it again though so all good. I certainly don’t miss all of the online drama anymore or the paranoia that it can bring.
I’d better write out my morning routine while I think of it now.
Today I had an appointment with my cpn. He came to mine, he normally does as it’s easier for us both and it’s on his way home. He was a bit late but that was ok. We chatted about things and where I’m at. We spoke about Christmas and things. He asked about the plans I had before Christmas regarding property etc and I said the plans are still in place and how I’m hitting goals etc. He told me how impressed and in awe of how I’ve done and how much I can do. He’s pretty amazed at how well I cope and how I keep myself well. We even talked about possibly going med free at some point. He’s a really nice bloke but in a way I hope I don’t see him again in a professional manner because I’m now discharged from mental health services! I’m discharged! That’s so cool. I’m really happy. It’s shown me how far I’ve come and how much I’ve worked through. I can get referred back to services by my GP if I ever need to in the future, I was discharged before briefly, but I’m hoping that this time it’s permanant or certainly much much longer! I’m getting used to feeling this well and being level isn’t so boring after all. I still have lots of good energy and I have my DRIVE back again. I have some direction and lots of goals to hit. It’s all good.
I’ve taken this morning off work but possibly all day. I’ve been feeling rough since Saturday with a cough and some virus thing. I fought it off about 3 times before Christmas with my mind. I was too busy to be unwell and didn’t allow my mind to think about it. I’m still really busy but don’t have drastic deadlines to meet and as it’s shown it’s head a bit again I’ve decided to allow it to come through a bit. My body is telling me I need a short rest. I felt really unwell until about 11 yesterday morning but stopped myself thinking about it until after work when I felt rubbish again. One thing that I’m pleasantly surprised about is that it’s not affected my mental health because in the past it would of done. I have lots of drive again and lots of goals and I think this is partly why it’s not affecting me. I might go in to work this afternoon. I’m unsure at the moment though. I might not go to band practice either as it’ll finish late. I cancelled my drumming lesson yesterday as I knew it might affect the virus thing.
Yesterday I knew something and had a feeling I was right but didn’t feel the need to check until late last night. It was a concious decision not to too. Here is a post from 2 years ago on January 2nd. It shows where I was and shows me how far I’ve come:
This morning I’ve made myself stick to my routine and woke up at 6:15am. I finished work a few days ago and it would be so easy to lay in and let myself do much less than normal but I don’t want that. I want to keep my focus on where I am heading with life and not slip backwards into past ways and thoughts.
In September I set myself the goal of getting out of my business overdraft by the end of the year, even if it was only briefly. A few weeks later I did it so set a higher goal. I wanted £8k in the business by the end of the year. A month or so later I did that too, although I did spend it out on wages and materials and did go back into the overdraft for a few days. So having hit that goal, and going back into the overdraft briefly, I decided to aim for having £10k in the business by the end of the year. On Friday I hit £9,821! I have bills out and am owed close to £1k. Even if by 31st I don’t quite hit £10k I’m still more than pleased at how I’ve turned things around, and a good amount of that money isn’t mine, that I’m setting much bigger goals from now onwards.
I’ve realised I’m looking forwards much more than looking back now. Although this morning I sat in front of the fire and had a fight with my thinking. I wasn’t fully awake and my thoughts were slightly gloomy and were about all of the worst stuff I’ve done in life and how my upbringing was. So I caught those thoughts and told them I’m in charge now and that I’m not putting up with any of it. Such a strange thing to be able to do now and such an amazing thing too. I’ve since sat down and written out some life goals and will also add to my daily goals shortly, which I set down last night.
How amazing how life can change. It is true that the path of life flows where attention and focus go. Something else I find strangely amusing and very amazing is that this blog, this thing of me just writing my thoughts, my feelings, my crapiness, my awesomeness, my joy, my goals and some of my life in has almost 5,000 subscribers. It blows my mind a little. More than a little in fact.
For anyone reading this and needing some help please go and find some help it really is out there but it’s also inside too. Keep going as it can and does get better the more you put in too. For everybody reading this I send my best wishes to you all on what the calendar says is Christmas Eve. Much love.