I’m seriously frustrated. Everything is frustrating me. I work stupid hard but am never out of my personal or business overdraft. I can’t clear debts that I have. They seem to be taking forever to diminish. We still don’t have a boiler that works or hot running water (it’s been 3 years now). My life is sexless and has been for far too many years. I’m always tired. I’m always putting on my ‘face’. I’m always trying to figure out how to work more and earn more. It sucks. It’s shit. Fuck it all. Fuck off.
Sometimes I think I’m just an arsehole. I guess that’s not always true. The internal dialogue tells me all manner of things but often it’s that I’m no good and that I’m a horrible person. I guess it’s wrong. I guess that sometimes there is a decent human being in here somewhere. It’s all a fight. There’s no permanent winning. There’s also no permanent losing either. It’s just that theres no balance for me or certainly not often. I guess I’m getting more reflective as I’m getting older. Who knows. At least today I’m not an arsehole. Well not fully.
Maybe yesterday I jumped the gun a bit. I’m a tad lower today, still not way down like last week, and anxiety has hit yet again. Several things are festering away but will maybe get sorted soon. It is what it is. I need to work more hours to get more money coming in. Things are still stupidly tight. I don’t think this is just my paranoia but I think over the last few years government has implemented policies that are making things harder for those less well off and are slowly fucking us all over. I don’t see it changing anytime soon either. It’s a constant fight that for sure. Slowly slowly fights get eroded and corporations influence government more and more. We’re doomed.
Well I’m glad that it’s a new week. I’m back working properly today. I’ve not slept today and not needed to, nor yesterday. Normal sleep will resume tonight. My mood is brighter too. Last week I was lower than I cared to think about. Suicidal thoughts crept in a lot. I just wanted to go to sleep forever. I tried meditating on what death must be like but my energy was so low I just fell into deep sleep. I’ve started working out again today. I need to get my body back in proper shape. I need to get healthier. It’ll help my mind too. I’m just relieved the shittyness was only just over a week. Thank fuck for it being over. I’ve even priced some work tonight. I survive, or at least I have so far.
This week is flowing by even though I’m not working very much. I’ve been sleeping lots. I’m getting my usual 7 1/2 – 8 hours a night and 2 or so hours during the day. I need to start bringing myself back to ‘reality’ again as I’ve lots of pricing and bill making to do. I’ve had some time for introspection and although not enough it’s made me realise I need to find a decent balance in life again. Debts won’t disappear on their own and plans need to be in place to help clear them. I’ve realised I’m getting older. My body has started to give signs of this. It’s not always doing what I want it too and I’m some ways it’s good but in others it’s bad. It’s sad too in some ways. What’s struck me the most is I have no plans for how I’ll survive later in life. I can’t keep working so hard within the building trade into older age that’s for sure. So I guess I have to firm decent plans ASAP and that May will mean working even harder short term. More missing is needed. I also think that I made a wise decision by taking some time off. It’s helped me not slip down the slippery mental slope again. At least not yet. I guess it’s about self care and self awareness. Keeping a good track on my own mental state. If I can continue to keep things pretty good maybe I’ll see about going meds free in a few more months. It’s taken some time to fully settle after dropping the dose. I did have a few blips but it seems to of settled back at the level I was at before dropping them a bit. Who knows.
I’m tired all of the time. This week I’ve decided that I’ll do less. Maybe have a day or two off. I’ve worked hard lately and maybe it’s catching up with me. I don’t know. My dreams have been reflections of the past of late. I’m off Facebook intermittently again. Some on there are doing my head in. Cunts. Not all. 8 hours sleep a night and about 2 hours during the day. It’s still not enough. I wonder what it’s like to sleep forever. Hay fever is affecting me. That tired me I do know. People tire me. Work tires me. I need to eat more healthily again. I’ve been craving rubbish. I’m almost on top of both allotments and the field. Fishing isn’t doing it for me. I hate it at the moment. Food growing at the field needs to be got on top of. It’s tricky. The tree roots are now near the surface as I’ve made the ground fertile. They’re sucking the goodness, the moisture, the life out of the soil. Much like my life is being sucked out. I’m feeling thin, like butter spread over too much bread. No second breakfast for me. Friends online have disappeared. Friends hahahahaha. It’s often a one way friendship when I’m here only when needed.
I’ve been quite tired lately. Fynn and I have fished quite a lot. Partly because we love it but maybe it’s also been a distraction. 16th May was the 4th anniversary of my dad dying and today is 4 years since his funeral. Life is passing me by so fast. How long I’ll live or how old I’ll get to I don’t know. My mood has tailed off. It’s maybe why I’m tired. Who knows. I’m not too interested in much at the minute. I’ve no idea why I’m writing this either.
I’ve just started reading a very interesting book about the interconnectedness of trees and how they share sugars, information and so forth through their fungal networks underground and through releasing chemicals into the air when attacked. I’ve know about this for quite some time but the book was a gift I received last week when at my stepdaughters wedding, which was amazing. Having read a little I felt memories of my earlier life flood through and into me like a ‘download’ or a jump back in time. Mostly it involved my mum. It brought up the emotions of those times for myself and made me wonder what she must of felt too. Memories of going into a toy shop in Oakham, where she moved too, and the play park area there which we used to walk through to go into the town. Lots of high running emotionally charged feels flooded to the fore. I wonder how she must of felt each time I stayed with her and when she had to drop me back home in North Norfolk. It must of been a rollercoaster for her. The excitement that I was coming to visit followed by the harsh reality that I would be leaving again. The feelings of knowing she would have to drop me off and drive away and leave me again, like she had when she walked out. It also hit me that she still did this time and time again. That even though I sensed it as how she felt it it brought up exactly how I felt each time, dropped off and deserted. It’s shown me how complicated the early years of my life really were and nothing was ever really explained to me. It’s shown me yet again why the psychologist added complex PTSD to the bipolar diagnosis. It’s funny how when things are going well something from the past rears it’s head yet again. That’s life I guess.
Nothing gets easier. It’s a constant push. Money is always owed to me and I always owe money. I hate the stress of it. It’ll be the death of me. Heart attack or stroke. Who knows. It’s ageing me fast that’s for sure. A constant battle inside and out. Yet still I know I’m lucky. Nuts most of the time but lucky. Nuts I can live with.