I’ve noticed quite a few triggers today and tonight. It’s 8:20pm and I’m going to shower and go to bed as I’m not at my best right now. I need to read a bit, meditate a bit and sleep. I’m fearful of tipping over an edge, either down or up. I never thought I’d fear an upward rise, but I do at the moment because I know of the destruction that it can cause. I’m not feeling understood, so I’ll avoid any possibility of confrontation. Right now people do my head in.
8:42pm and I’m in bed wondering about things.
I woke in the night only for my mind to start playing out paranoid scenarios. There followed a small battle inside of me telling myself how completely unfounded any of it was only for it to twist even more. Luckily I know things seem worse in the night and luckily I knew some techniques to stop it mostly so I could fall asleep again. I used some techniques from a book called ‘How to live in the here and now’ by Paul Jones I believe. Excellent CBT and NLP techniques in it. I used them to great effect a couple of years ago. At the time I didn’t realise that they’d worked so well or that I’d taken them on board so deeply. I’m glad I did because they were there right when I needed them last night.
I had some pretty strange dreams after falling asleep again. The most vivid involved having a military attack helicopter land outside a friends house only for the 2 pilots to come to the door with machine guns and get all of the males who were there to go on a mission with them. Various scenarios played out and we then landed on a small island to refuel. There was some kind of battle or war going on. Much like the one in my mind. Very intriguing I must say. Luckily I’m pretty good at remembering dreams. I guess my mind is a constant battlefield !
Ive been up since just before 5:30am and I’m feeling pretty ok now, I didn’t when I got up. Best I get on with the day ahead.
It’s been a strange day today. I’ve been kind of level but not a good level, but not low either. Strange. I’m aware that I possibly noticed some red flags too. For a while I was concerned that I was heading sky high, but I worked out when I got home and it took the edge right off. It brought me down and up both at the same time.
When my wife and children got home, I was home first, things got tricky as my son started teasing and tormenting his sister. I noticed that I was getting cross and clenching my fists. Luckily in the end I’ve just got him showered and in bed first, which calmed him down. I think he needs some extra sleep as he gets up with me first thing in the morning. He’s a little bit different too, like me.
I’m relaxing now and might even watch a film. It’s not often that I do that now. Mostly I avoid tv and films because they can affect my sleep and my circadian rhythms. If I go to bed late I can throw myself out of sync, sometimes the film or tv affects my dreams or I get wired. Anyway I usually avoid it. I’m conscious of moon phases too. Over time I’ll be better able to tell if that affects me too. Always more to learn.
It’s Tuesday morning, it’s 6:11am and I’ve been awake since 5:30 or there about’s. I woke a couple of times in the night too. When I got up I started having some paranoid thoughts. Even though they’re always unfounded it doesn’t make them easier to deal with. The thing is that in the past if a paranoid thought has been right and not paranoia it makes for a fuzzy line. I’m not sure if I make my life more difficult than it is or if I just have a difficult life. I’ve been told countless times that I’m too positive. Obviously that’s when I’m feeling pretty high. Do we really make things difficult for ourselves in life? Surely others can and do make things difficult for us too? I know of several people who might do things to be awkward or make things awkward for others too. Maybe we should all try to better ourselves.
I don’t feel as paranoid as I did earlier because I talked things through with myself. It doesn’t always work though! I wonder why I get like this? Maybe, as someone else said, I’m ‘wired’ differently. Oh well….
I’ve had a day of feeling pretty tired. Early night tonight I hope. I’m not sure why I’m so tired but maybe I need to catch up on some extra sleep. Other than feeling tired I feel pretty good. I’m pretty pleased with my progress. This morning I meditated for over 15 minutes which was great. I’ve not meditated so well for a while.
It’s funny how some tiredness can be good and some can seem bad, that’s life I guess. I think my body is growing and recovering from my workouts.
Last night I went to bed a little earlier to catch up on some rest only to wake up a little earlier. I guess my body has got into an exact rhythm of how much sleep it needs. I’m not anxious this morning either which is fantastic.
Things are looking good for the week ahead. Business is good too. Lots of things to do. I’m starting to make some plans again. Nothing too ambitious this time, well so far ….
I had a short time yesterday where my wife said I was extremely grumpy and short tempered. I’m glad she asked if I was feeling OK after I’d relaxed a little because she felt she couldn’t mention it at the time. Luckily it didn’t go on for hours and hours or days. She’s understanding and she notices things pretty quickly too. I’m lucky.
I’ve had strange dreams again last night. I wonder what has triggered these dreams? Is it a change in my body from working out? The dreams last night weren’t violent, just very strange. They involved growing and life. How can dreams affect our day to day life? I believe and understand that dreams are our body’s way of working through mental and physical things on a subconscious level. When one can start to understand oneself better in waking life, then the dream world starts to make more sense. Problems can be dealt with or other things. Sleep is a time, like conscious rest, where our body’s repair themselves physically, so I’m pretty certain it also works for emotional or psychological things too like worry. Situations are played out in dreams where we try to deal with those things. If we are stressed sometimes our dreams reflect this very deeply. That’s why I wonder if my dreams lately are related to my working out again because of the physical stress placed upon my body through high intensity workouts. I’ve noticed that I’m growing already even though I’ve only worked out for two weeks. My skin is itchy too. Maybe that’s a physical reaction to my body growing and also too the physical stress placed upon it.
I dream very very quickly after falling asleep. Sometimes I’m dreaming in less than five minutes. I know this because I’ve woken suddenly from a dream and my wife is still awake reading or trying to go to sleep. I’m keeping pretty strict circadian rhythms too, which might help trigger interesting dreams. Lots to ponder on.
I’m feeling level again and feeling good within myself. Yesterday I had a bad headache. I didn’t realise how bad I felt until this morning because I feel much better now. I put some of that down to stress and some down to physical exercising. Mainly stress from doing things that I’d put off for too long.
I bought a book about Cyclothymia and read it a while ago, I’m hoping my wife reads it soon as I’ve lent it to her. I’m hoping she might understand more then. It’s not that I want anything from her except her to know what it’s like and the signs and warnings. I guess now I’m on a level she maybe feels its less important. Maybe I should find someone to talk to about it.
Ive decided to have more than one day off training, I’ve been doing one on one off, to give my body extra recovery time and time to grow. I’m glad I’m older now as I understand my mind and body so much better. I hope to learn and grow even more.
I still question reality often too. I had quite a profound moment yesterday whilst in meditation. How do we define reality? What parameters do we use? How do we gauge these things? Am I the only ‘real’ being in an unreal world? What happens when the body dies? Lots of questions! Where for the answers lay?
I had a phone call from our local wellbeing centre today. It went pretty well. The therapist told me I’m doing all of the right things like keeping regular circadian rhythms and sleep patterns etc. he said I’m doing well by exercising and meditating and using mindfulness techniques. He’s suggested I go along to a few meetings on dealing with stress too.
I’ve managed to do a few things which I’d put off doing over the last few months, one of which was from12 months ago. I do have a headache now from lots of thinking etc and from dealing with things, but I’ll live. Maybe I need to meditate a bit more again, get some mental focus and clarity back again too. Before I had such a tight schedule on the doing of things I thought that I would find it very dull and boring, but to be honest I’m enjoying the clarity that its brought so far. I’m missing the extreme highs but that’s ok, it’s worth it. Fingers crossed things continue going pretty well now.
I’ve just meditated and now I have clarity on a few things. Firstly, I need to let go of things much more readily. Secondly, I need to give myself more time to do things before I look for problems to solve. Thirdly, mostly there are no problems until I over think and create them.
I need to let go and relax. I need to let go and realise that it’s all just life and part thereof. Having realised this most of the anxiety has gone. I’m stronger than I realise, I’m a better person than I realise. I try to have integrity and logic.