One day it will all be over.  One day I won’t have bipolar disorder.  I’ll be free of it. I don’t know when that day will come but if I’m pushed to it so be it.  Living a hermits life seems the way to control it best.  No drinking or drugs.  No going out socialising where there’s lots of people.  No drawn out interactions with average people.  Yet again I’m trying to increase my intelligence.  I crave to learn more.  I need to learn about things I know nothing of.   I will continue.  It’s the only way.  Nobody crosses me. So be it.  

Things are going ok.  In fact something good happened today. However I still get paranoid that it’ll go wrong.  Why do I think like this still?  Things are going well but I think they’ll fuck up. Every time.  I’m in a pretty good place mentally so why? I guess it’s default settings in my brain.  It’ll take time and work but I will overcome it.  I think I’ll end up cutting a few more things and people out of my life to help myself more.  There’ll soon only be myself left and I’m my own worst enemy.  I’ll win.  I know I will.  

I won’t carry out a ritual.  I have moved past that some time ago when invoking my HGA. Intelligence prevails. 

I’m contemplating I might have to do some ritual magick again soon. I don’t contemplate this lightly either.  I’ve steered clear for a long while but the need may of arisen already.  I’ll sit on it for a while but if I choose to it will be a swift and brutal vengeance upon someone.  Maybe I’ll sit back and monitor for now. Tongues that lash will be bound and cut off.  If someone tells me something in confidence it stays there.  I expect the same in return.  However if I tell someone something in confidence and they choose to run their mouth they should expect a swift blow to befall them.  It’s not easy having to live with a mh condition let alone to be abused over it. Normally this would all stay within my own mind but it’s said the pen is mightier than the sword.  I’d add that Daemons are more powerful than the pen when unleashed.    

Enough already.  

What are we other than animals really? We often seek spirituality or spiritual connections in our lives. I wonder why? Is it from the past? Something that’s locked into the subconscious brain from when we were hunter gatherers? Do we feel disconnected from something? Also religion comes into it for some. God. What actually is god? Why crave or seek a connection with a possible creator? Is it due to some disconnection from the past? Where are we heading other than death? Will we soon go extinct as a species due to the destruction of our environment? What is death? Why do some seek or crave it yet others fear and try to run from it?  

What the actual fuck is it all about?

My head has been too busy lately.  Too often I let others get inside.  It’s crowded enough with just myself in here.  I’ve thought about a way out but I’ll not take that path yet, if ever.  Where do I go from here? Stability is a very fine balancing act.  I’ve had so much rage and anger inside lately it’s chewed away at me.  Maybe it’s part of the reason I’ve been so tired. It all takes its toll on me.  I’m hoping to see things more clearly soon. Life can be such a delicate and fine balancing act for me.  I’m on Facebook less. It’s better for my brain.  I sometimes wish I was dumb or less intelligent if I’m intelligent at all that is.  Sometimes it’s so hard to see the good in myself orin the things I do.  It will pass.  It has to.  

So much I could say. So much has gotten to me lately. I’m constantly tired.  I’m sleeping 7-8 hours at night plus 1-3 hours late afternoon. Tired.  Work is ok.  I’m pushing through. I’m getting things done.  I’m still fighting for my future.  I’m not sure what future that is or how long it will last or be.  Who knows.  I think I’m destined to die young but hope I get old.  It’s all confusing.  I’m too unsettled and indecisive. Maybe I really do need to up my dose of meds.  I don’t know.  I’ll maybe keep riding it out for now.  Bipolar is killing me.  

Yet again I’m having to think through my life and yet again reassess everything.  How far have I come and how far can I go? Have I got a grip on how bipolar affects me or do I trick myself? So many things come up.  I remember the very first time I went to see a doctor about my mental health, she didn’t take me very seriously,  and she told me it was “possibly cyclothymia.  You wouldn’t want bipolar as the drugs are horrible” etc etc and how she explained how much worse it is than cyclothymia.  I kind of felt relieved but over time I got scared when reading up on things. I read that cyclothymia can progress into bipolar.  It scared me to think what I was going through could end up much much worse.  After seeing another doctor at a much later date, having reached breaking point again, and getting referred to mh services on a kind of emergency “need to be seen within a week” appointment and seeing a cpn and then a few weeks later seeing a psychiatrist and getting a diagnosis of bipolar 1 I walked out and laughed.  I was very mentally unwell but the laughter was relief.  I knew straight away that the mental pain, anguish and torture weren’t going to get worse.  It was bipolar not cyclothymia.  I felt huge relief in being told that.  So here I am again contemplating so much about my life and living with what is termed a serious mental illness.  I still want to break the barriers down.  I’m now thinking I’ll keep as I am, for now,  instead of upping the meds again and work through it and not just ride it out.   There’s so much I can learn about myself even from the huge rage I have inside.  Masking it over will never help me.  It will still be there.  Only in working with and through it will I understand myself even more.  I need to work towards the ‘not giving a fuck’ lifestyle I’ve tried to reach for so long and which a friend told me only the other day to live like.  Cheers CP.  I’m going to once again embrace the madness and face it fully.  

I’ve been meditating a bit again.  This morning I’ve meditated about 15 minutes.  What I saw was that I constantly put up obstacles to hinder myself.  I’ve seen how others are out to fuck me over too and I find it so funny that those who are of lower intelligence think they’re smart and clever yet they’re only fooling themselves.  I don’t subscribe to religion but there’s a saying that rings true ‘let he who is without sin cast the first stone’   How true this is.  Such small mindedness most have.  I will rise above it.  I don’t live a life of gossip. Again that’s small minded.  People need to keep their noses out because vengeance will hit them.  I rise above.  Stupid ignorant pigs.  My mind is busy.  Do I let it flow or stem the flow? That’s the 60 million dollar question.  Stem it and it’s mundaneness that reigns.  Let it flow and madness comes with the genius.  Cross me and fury will flow freely.  Maybe even violence.  Ah violence.  It’s pure isn’t it. It’s raw.  Animalistic.  Instinctual.  We’re just animals really.  Don’t cast your stones against me. I hold large rocks and stand on high.  Let the world burn.