I’m part way through week 2 of 200mg per day of Lamotrigine. I’m not sure if it’s for me or not. I’m not sure if I’m better off on Meds or not. Tonight has been very tricky. It’s been building up I guess. I’m not sure I’m level and I not sure I like level anyway. Really what is level? Maybe I’m not so ill anyway. Maybe I don’t  even have bipolar. Maybe I just lay things on too much and I should just relax more and things will be ok. Who knows. Maybe it’s just life has beaten me down a fair bit. I don’t know fully. Anyway I’ve had racing thoughts tonight. I’ve realised they’ve been building up for a while now too and I’m agitated too.  

I had a Meds review kind of chat with the doctor yesterday. Well it was to discuss Meds. I have to go back in about 6-8 weeks again for another chat.  I don’t think they know much really other than what they’ve read or listened to from others. I don’t think they know how it feels. Hmmmm.  Maybe this really is just my universe and I just have to realise it. Secretly I know it is but mustn’t tell anyone or the game will be up. There’s a secret doorway through. I know others are part of the game, the illusion of it all.  They say paranoia is bad but actually I think it’s heightened instincts. 

it’s all bonkers. Everything. Everything is bonkers. I’ve worked maybe 60-70 hours this week and am now finished until Monday first thing. My head is spinning and I think had it not been for the Meds I would of gone waaaaay off the scale. It’s hard to tell because I am on them and if I wasn’t on them maybe I would kind of be ok. I don’t know. Who knows.  Anyway where was I. Mmmm yes. I’ve been working WAAAAY to hard and too much and as soon as this job is out of the way I get onto a really amazing job whe the customers are amazingly cool. I can’t wait. I’m excited.

    So back to the Meds. I’m now on 150mg of Lamotrigine and go to see the GP on Monday to discuss inns. It’s the GP who didn’t refer me a few years ago and told me I didn’t have bipolar and possibly had cyclothymia and said to self refer to the wellbeing team. So I guess she will be shocked that I have been diagnosed as bipolar 1 or maybe she won’t even remember seeing me before……until I remind her haha. I was going to say I didn’t want to see her and that she was useless before but I will give her the benefit of the doubt and talk with her. She is very lucky that I will allow her to see me to be honest and I hope she is fucking clever and smart because she’s got a huge ball of awesome me coming along. Talking of which I can’t remember if I wrote about this last time or not but I did a paid for Mensa home test and have been asked if I would like to do the full 2 hour one because they scored my IQ at 148.  Haha

Its Friday already. Today I up my dosage to 150mg of Lamotrigine. I’ve woken with a huge headache but I think it’s stress related and not the pills although hard to be sure.  I’m on a very tricky job where the woman is sensitive to everything and is insisting on this and that. My contract is with her father and he says to just get on and get things done, which we can do if she’s not there talking for more than an hour everyday about her ‘schedule’. So far I’ve been there for 5 weeks and when you add up maybe an hour each day I’ve lost nearly 25 hours of work, let alone 1/2 an hour or more hoovering every day, and she’s worrying about the job over running……    I worked 11 1/2 hours there yesterday just trying to get on and she was on and she was only there for maybe an hour and a half.  

  When I got home was mentally and physically drained and very down and things were kicking off here. I very nearly just got in my van and drove. I had nowhere I could go so there was no point.  My son really being mean to his sister and although my wife tried to stop it she ended up having a go at my daughter.  It’s always the way and I think my wife thinks I’m too soft on my daughter. My daughter feels totally got at.  I don’t know the answer.  My daughter ended up in our room and my wife in her room last night.    

   On another note I’m scared shitless that I’m tipping into a mixed episode or possibly full mania. My body temperature feels really high. My ears are ringing too and I wonder if that nit be why I have a headache too. I really don’t know. What I do know is I just want to get this job I’m on finished ASAP and out of the way because it’s really getting too me. I know it’s not just me because the plumber and electrician have had it too. The sad thing is I know the customer means well too.  I do seriously fear if I tip this time I will end up in hospital though.  I have felt slightly suicidal this week too although very very briefly.  I have nowhere to run to.