I am already up and have been awake since before 5. I had a couple of strange dreams, not really bad but just a bit strange. My van alarm also went off last night so I had to get up and turn it off. It’s unusual for that to happen. I felt like I’d not long gotten to sleep when it happened. I didn’t go straight to sleep either. I had a nap earlier in the evening so that was ok. 

last night I felt that I’d not been too inspired to eat enough or workout, but realised I was over thinking and that I’m actually doing really well.

Ive got a job to do today and will go a bit easy on it. I have a workout to do too. I’m feeling energised and inspired again.

It’s Friday again and I’m feeling superb. I’m feeling awesome. I did a leg workout last night but didnt do squats as my back feels better and I didn’t want to aggravate it again. I think working out has helped me feel better too. I’ll probably  be late home tonight but I’m ok with that and already prepared mentally. I have to work tomorrow too and that’s cool too.

I think I avoided a full meltdown the other day which is fantastic. I love feeling good. I’m also pleased to say creatine has possibly had a good effect on my brain too instead of sending me hyper manic. Today is the last day of my loading phase. I’m already stronger in my workouts. 

I need to start setting some goals again too. I’m rearing to go.

I`m back to feeling myself again and all of the awesomeness that is me. Long may it last. Early night for me tonight I think too so as to keep on top of things. The best thing I did yesterday was going off and having a snooze. It helped me lots. I have a good amount of energy again too which is fantastic.

My children seem to of gotten lots of energy too and are both starting to wind up a little. Maybe I influence things more than I realise. It was also the dark moon yesterday. I`m not sure if it really affects many things or not and I am trying to keep a slightly scientific view of things rather than superstitious. Oh well kids are kids I guess.

Fingers crossed for a good day tomorrow too.

I had pretty interesting dreams last night. I dreamt that we were having a family Christmas gathering at my mother-in-laws. It was night time and I was concerned that my wife was late with our children. When she arrived she was trying to act sober. I was the only one who noticed. Everyone else ignored this and actually told me that I was wrong. I found an empty bottle of vodka in the side door of the vehicle she was driving. She was avoiding me. Her older daughters were still siding with her and I felt a total local of control. I was swamped. Nobody would listen to me at all. I was alone. I knew deep down that I was right but everyone was against me.  

This is how I feel a lot of the time. Nobody hears what I’m saying. They pretend to listen and pretend to understand but don’t. I try to reach out but to no avail. I guess it’ll always be this way. Last night I certainly didn’t feel great. Physically I felt drained as well as not being fully mentally there either. I didn’t get to sleep straight away either, but I did have a snooze for 1 1/2 hours after work, so I put it down to that.  I’m feeling a bit more like me this morning, although I’m aware that I did have strange dreams last night. Maybe there’s a pattern there with regards to the dreams. Hmm.

I’m ready for the day ahead and will play music at work today. I’ve not played music for the last few days now. Music is a good tool to lift my mood.  My wife was concerned that creatine would send me hyper manic, I wish it would in a way because I have felt like I’ve dropped off a little since early last week. That’s before I even got the creatine. 

I should try to log on here later to see how my day has been. I think I’m going to lift in my mood.

Ive just remembered another dream that I had. I was working in a loft where some guys were blowing insulation in. They were looking for rats too. I think one of them was shooting or certainly killing rats. There was piles of really smelly intestines around and they were also being dropped out of the loft on small pieces of fibreglass. Pretty unpleasant.

I’m going to be 40 later this year, but I feel like a baby in some respects. I feel like I’m learning things completely brandy new, as if I’ve just been born. All of my life has been a learning curve, as is normal, but since knowing that I do have a mental illness I’ve had to learn some things all over again because I was wrong before. Totally wrong. 

I’ve noticed that I now have 100 subscribers, which hopefully means I’m either talking some sense, talking bollocks and people are enjoying a good laugh or that what I’m saying may in some small way help another person, another human being, which would be totally fantastic.

I’ve not been feeling at my best for about a week now but I am coming through. I noticed today that this last week has been so full of noise it’s been deafening, although I’ve talked far less than normal, and it’s all internal noise, internal chatter. Endless questions and answers. It’s like when Frodo puts the ring on in The Lord of the Rings film for me. I’m Frodo trying to make sense of the distorted world and everything around me is slightly hazy with the wraiths ( my mind ) there trying to reach for me.  I try talking myself back around but it doesn’t always help. I finally took myself off out of the way this evening after work to have a snooze as I’m feeling a little physically weak and tired. It’s been much needed, but I leave it too long because I fear my wife will think I’m just selfish or being lazy or rude. That’s far from the case. It’s a coping mechanism. Another thing I have learned. I’ve always needed to do this on and off over the years but at least I understand why now.

I’m going to go easy on myself for the rest of tonight. I’ll not push myself too much in any respect. 

I’ve hurt my back. I’m not sure if its caused by stress or by work. I’ve been doing lots of plastering at work. I’ve some more to do today or tomorrow.

what is sanity? Don’t we all live at the frayed ends of sanity. Or is it just a select few of us? At times I feel blessed by this at others cursed. Life is a game and I figure at death we wake up in another reality. Maybe the real reality. Maybe this is all a game, a hologram if you will, a testing ground for higher things. What is death too? What does death bring? Nothingness? Or a breakthrough? Maybe a chance to reach enlightenment.

I had a chat with a friend yesterday who has bipolar. We both feel the same about lots of things. We both love the high, the energy it brings. She feels we have special powers too. I totally agree. The downside is the lows. When I’m low I feel every little thing  x 1000 or 1,000,000. Unless you understand this and have this, you’ll never understand it. She asked if my wife understands how even the tiniest thing sets things off. And I mean the tiniest things. Last week I worked late and it affected me. I think it wasn’t just the work but where I worked too. The guy is a friend but he talks lots and I mean lots. It’s hard to ‘escape’ from him when he’s talking. That loss of control makes me shut off, which probably makes him talk even more, which makes me feel I’ve lost control. Not easy at all.  I know people, close people, think I’m a control freak, but it’s a defence mechanism to keep some control over my reality. My friend who I chatted with yesterday completely understands. I think she’s the only person who I know who does. That’s not easy to admit too either. The paranoia is hard to deal with too, as is the obsessional things or thinking that I can get into. I know I’m different.  The nhs has very little they can do regarding mental health issues these days. The doctor told my wife as much the other day. I had to do a self referral to our local mental health people. Basically they offered a course on dealing with stress. Fucking great hey! I guess it’s a starting point. It didn’t sound like there was much else though. It’s not like I’m unable to function, it’s a chemical imbalance in my brain. Outwardly I’m very functional, exceptionally I’d say. People just think I’m a looney. Far from it. I would say I have an exceptionally strong mind most of the time or I wouldn’t function I would totally meltdown. Totally.

Oh well life goes on.

What is a mental illness ? How do we decide that someone has one? How ‘different’ does someone have to be to be mentally ill?  

I’ve found that there is huge stigma attached to most if not all mental illness’.  Most people avoid talking about it. I think there are a few reasons for this. Mostly it’s fear. Fear of the unknown. What might that person do? What if they react to something differently? Am I different too? Do i have a mental illness? People will treat you differently, kind of like you are disabled, not that it matters if you were disabled. 

I have come to realise that my life is far from what I want it to be. It’s not how it should be and those things don’t help. There are huge difficulties between myself and my wife. Neither of us understands the other as we should do. We fear each other I think. When we got together it was a real swept off your feet type relationship. I’m trying to be very honest here too without being too personal, not easy.  Lately we don’t even touch each other. It’s tense mostly. My wife has depression, which I struggle to deal with on lots of levels. She struggles with me and my mind in lots of ways too. We’ve had joint counselling and I’ve had my own counselling too, mainly for grief but life too.  Our marriage isn’t intimate and hasn’t been for maybe more years than it has been. I really struggle with that lack of intimacy. It makes my mind do quadrupole time of trying to work things out. It makes my wife depressed because she knows it affects me and that I struggle with the lack of intimacy. I’m pretty highly sexed I think, but maybe I’m not and its just lack of it that makes it worse. 

I have huge fears all of my own about mental illness. Sometimes I wonder if I actually don’t have a mental illness. I know I think differently to most people, but do I really? Or do others just not open up as much as me? We are all on some scale or spectrum somewhere. I’m not afraid to question life or to seek answers either.

I guess I too fear mental illness as much as I embrace it. Maybe I fear too much in life. Life is very short after all.

Life. How strange and amazing life can be. I’m not down at the moment, just very reflective. I’m feeling I’m drawing close to some decisions. I feel like a prisoner in my own life. I’m trapped in some things. My wings are fully clipped. I can’t fly. I can’t see the woods for the trees. I fear change. So I live a life of plodding along. Plod, plod, plod. I’m sure I can be happier than this. I don’t make my wife happy either. In fact I think I make her miserable and depressed. How is life supposed to be? Surely there’s more to it than this? At times I feel like I’ve nothing left to give, nothing left in the tank. I feel like we rub each other up. Years ago I started to feel like my wife was being cold so that I would leave, so that she wouldn’t have to end our relationship. Several times she wanted out. I think I make her extremely unhappy. I’m pretty sure I do. 

Do we cling on to things in life because of fear? Do we fear change or the unknown and just carry on blindly? Or is that a sign of strength. Countless times my wife has told me that the happiest times of her life were when she was single. What do I make of that? 

Im tired of killing her slowly inside. I’m tired of dying inside. I know I over think things, but I’m pretty sure I depress her. 

It is said that we should live full lives.   How can trying to do right be so wrong so much of the time. I’m constantly trying to do the right thing for everyone. I’m led to believe I’m selfish too. Am I led to believe that life should be painful, not joyful? I don’t know. I don’t know. 

I should add that a guy I knew from doing track days together died in an accident in Germany on Saturday. He was a really lovely guy. It’s making me look deeper at my own life. He was a good guy. Life is short. Too short sometimes. Too short not to be happy.

Lately I feel like I’ve hit a wall and also that I’ve been banging my head against a wall. I try to put all of my feelings down here as a future record to look back on and at his be able to notice triggers or warnings. I’m not sure that I’ve written all of my thoughts down for a while now. I’ve had emotions flooding through me but not noted them down or written them here. I’ve felt isolated, lonely, secluded and repressed. I’ve also felt pretty bloody good too. My workouts have gone up a gear and I’m now taking creatine. My wife isn’t best pleased about it. She googled problems that can occur from it and some pages have said it can lead to hyper mania. Other sites have stated that its been used to treat bipolar disorder, used on its own without lithium or any other drugs. I’m using it for my workouts. I’m sure she’s right to have concerns, but I can’t help but feel anything or everything I do she finds reasons for me not to do them and it does get to me. I’m not a fucking moron or a fucking child! I researched for quite some time before buying the creatine. I actually bought a 100% pure source too, most have sugar or additives. I can understand that the additives and sugar most certainly would affect any episodes. Also I have Cyclothymia not bipolar disorder.

I’m certainly not feeling hyper manic at all and I’m loading the creatine. I’ve decided to load rather than just take the maintenance dose because of my size already, I’m just under 200lb , and being vegetarian it will work much better.  I also found that the loading amount can go by body weight rather than just standardised numbers. Any signs of issues I’ll drop the dosage.

Anyway, back to how I’m feeling etc. I’m feeling pretty good but at the same time I’m feeling held back in several ways. Is it so wrong to feel good or want to feel good? Is it so wrong to not want to just comply to normality? To not just comply to a bog standard life of tv, alcohol and junk food? Or wanting to eat well, exercise and keep control of all that I can? I’m pretty sure I’m right. Sometimes I wish people would just leave me alone, leave me be. Opinions are like arseholes, everybody has one, some just stink more than others.

So having realised that I need routine, I stick to it quite well, I do my best in most respects. Exercise has been a HUGE  help. Long may it all last. I see a few changes coming too. Changes for a better me.

Life is just a ride. 

my brain seems to of slowed down again, although my sleep wasn’t great last night. I did lay in a little as well as going to bed early. 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iMUiwTubYu0