I know I’m unwell. It’s not often I know when I am but I’m up and down like a yoyo. I hate how quickly bipolar depression hits. It’s not there then bang it’s there. I’m not sure if I’m rapid cycling or in a mixed state. Probably a bit of both. Yet again I’m off facebook as it’s safer that way. I won’t start calling everyone cunts and telling them to fuck off. That’s one downside of having a high IQ and intelligence. When I’m mixed or ultradian cycling I get really angry with people who really should be helping themselves but I stead do the opposite. They won’t take responsibility for themselves and it really gets to me. I’m pretty paranoid of late and ive seen a few things too. Oh well. Fucking bipolar fucking downs.
I almost went home as I couldn’t cope earlier. Maybe half hour ago. All I wanted to do was go to bed. I think I’m lifting again already. I’m tired. Too tired. Of everything. I need to take more control of myself and my life. I’m just bumbling along and it’s no good.
In August theres a get together of people from a bipolar group I’m on. I said I’m going but I’m not sure if I will. It’ll end up with drinking and it might trigger me. Also I can’t risk screwing a week up afterwards. Oh well. I’ll decide nearer the time.
Bipolar depression. What a jolly little ride. Death fantasies. Low energy. To hell with you. To hell with you. Self or drug induced?
I phoned the local mental hospital yesterday to talk about the drugs I’m on. I told them they are making me a zombie and killing me. The receptionist couldn’t put me through to my ‘team’. She was lucky to get another one to talk to me. If no one would of been able to talk from another ‘team’ I would of been put through the o the ‘crisis team’. Someone did say they would talk though. He was nice enough. Not as intelligent as me and it sounded like he was used to talking to less intelligent pill popping zombies. Anyway at least in the end I got some sense out of him. I told him my zombie pills are fucking me over. I told him I had coped all my life medication free before and he used the usual line of ‘ well with bipolar 1 you do need to be on medication really’. I told him the dose was slowing me and making me feel depressed. He agreed that we will lower the dose to 150mg for 2 weeks and see where I am at. I have to stay on the 200mg for now even though as each day passes it kills me more. Only yesterday I had had enough and was going to drive off. Anyway I think I’m in for a rough few days because there’s no way they will have a new prescription ready for me until next week I would imagine. He told me that it’s best to lower the dose slowly if coming off as otherwise it might trigger mania ( fucking bring it on motherfuckers ) or a nasty depression…….umm I think we could be there already fuckwit. Anyway that’s that and that’s that and that’s that. So stay on the zombie pills for now at the same zombification dose until we are the walking dead flesh eaters. What a shame I’m highly intelligent and articulate and can’t just be a TV watcher and a celebrity lover. What a pity I don’t give a fuck about celebrities and who is fucking who. What a pity I don’t care for ‘Britain’s got a celebrity on ice talent jungle factor’ type utter utter brain deadening counting motherfucking bollocks.
Anyway here’s the lyrics to fade to black by Metallica. Very apt lyrics.
Life it seems will fade away
Drifting further everyday
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free
Things not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly loss this can’t be real
Can’t stand this hell I feel
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me but now, he’s gone
No one but me can save myself, but it’s too late
Now I can’t think, think why I should even try
Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye
Well I’m still struggling to remember to keep putting things in here. I’m pretty sure my memory has got worse since being on Lamotrigine. Several things have I think. I’m not so elated. I feel pretty flat most of the time or even low might be a better word. Yesterday was a good day and the Meds didn’t fully take my good mood away but today I can’t be arsed too much. I think since having the flu and a chest infection I’ve been depressed. I wonder if some of it could be down to a change in the make of the meds and the colour used to dye them. My wife got them from a different pharmacy. Monday night I went to get money out of the cash maching. I put my card in, I did my pin, I said how much etc got my card out and so on. I got half way across the road then wonders why the machine was beeping still. I went back to check and my cash was sticking out of the machine. I’d only walked off and left it. My head is tricky. Last night I had nightmares and strange dreams. My daughter woke from a nightmare too. Maybe I’m affecting her and stuff. Lately I’ve been getting odd dreams. I’ve been dreaming about my dead parents and family members. They’ve been telling me to go with them. Dead friends etc too. Always a get together in a village hall or pub. They want to take me to the place where they are. It seems nice. I never seem to go though. Life goes on if it’s real. Maybe the dream world is real and this isn’t. Maybe his is a computer simulation and maybe it’s holographic. I’m not real. Since these zombie pills have kicked in more I’m more of a shell. My wife keeps saying I should give them longer, I should give them longer. I think she likes the zombie me. He’s more confused and dumbed down. Maybe he’s easier for her to control. She likes to control him. He’s dumb. He apologises too much about things that aren’t his fault. I think she wants him as a zombie. He complies and plods along. He doesn’t have too much energy. He’s more lazy. He’s a lazy piece of shit. I think she is in league with the doctors to keep him dumbed down because of his powers. Maybe they’re all in it to keep him dumb and poison him. When he’s up he knows and sees everything. He’s super aware and switched on. They don’t like that. No. He’s to clever and intelligent for them. His IQ is at least 148 according to Mensa and he knows other things. He’s always watching and learning. Although the zombie pills are slowly eroding that from him. Next he will vegetate and be a TV watcher and not a book reader or researcher of more wisdom and knowledge. He won’t be a threat then. No. He won’t be a threat to the corrupt system. No. They don’t want him being an open conduit for the true knowledge and wisdom that would wake the world up. They don’t want that. Keep him a zombie they say. Kill him slowly. Dumb him down he’s too dangerous and we don’t know his full potential. Don’t let him know it either. He’s almost like the X-men. They fear mutants or the special people. They want drones that know enough to work the machines and run the system of imprisoning themselves. They don’t want the free thinkers like him. The ones who are destined to change the world no. Keep him down. Compliment him enough for ego to live but dumb him down so he can’t use his ancient knowledge and wisdom. He won’t comply though. No. His powers are rising higher and he can see what they want to do. They’ll never take his true spirit. He is a warrior and the more they try to dull and dumb him the more his powers inside will grow. The more they grow the more they will shine forth whence he awakens from the zombie slumber. He will rule his destiny. He knows what he knows but will keep it hidden and secret only showing what needs to be shown bit by bit. Never fully showing his hand. Even if he did they wouldn’t see it because they are. Barely above zombies themselves. Fuck em.