Bipolar depression. What a jolly little ride. Death fantasies. Low energy. To hell with you. To hell with you. Self or drug induced?
I phoned the local mental hospital yesterday to talk about the drugs I’m on. I told them they are making me a zombie and killing me. The receptionist couldn’t put me through to my ‘team’. She was lucky to get another one to talk to me. If no one would of been able to talk from another ‘team’ I would of been put through the o the ‘crisis team’. Someone did say they would talk though. He was nice enough. Not as intelligent as me and it sounded like he was used to talking to less intelligent pill popping zombies. Anyway at least in the end I got some sense out of him. I told him my zombie pills are fucking me over. I told him I had coped all my life medication free before and he used the usual line of ‘ well with bipolar 1 you do need to be on medication really’. I told him the dose was slowing me and making me feel depressed. He agreed that we will lower the dose to 150mg for 2 weeks and see where I am at. I have to stay on the 200mg for now even though as each day passes it kills me more. Only yesterday I had had enough and was going to drive off. Anyway I think I’m in for a rough few days because there’s no way they will have a new prescription ready for me until next week I would imagine. He told me that it’s best to lower the dose slowly if coming off as otherwise it might trigger mania ( fucking bring it on motherfuckers ) or a nasty depression…….umm I think we could be there already fuckwit. Anyway that’s that and that’s that and that’s that. So stay on the zombie pills for now at the same zombification dose until we are the walking dead flesh eaters. What a shame I’m highly intelligent and articulate and can’t just be a TV watcher and a celebrity lover. What a pity I don’t give a fuck about celebrities and who is fucking who. What a pity I don’t care for ‘Britain’s got a celebrity on ice talent jungle factor’ type utter utter brain deadening counting motherfucking bollocks.
Anyway here’s the lyrics to fade to black by Metallica. Very apt lyrics.
Life it seems will fade away
Drifting further everyday
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free
Things not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly loss this can’t be real
Can’t stand this hell I feel
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me but now, he’s gone
No one but me can save myself, but it’s too late
Now I can’t think, think why I should even try
Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye
Goodbye
