I often fear writing things like this as I often think I will ‘jinx’ myself but I’ll do it anyway.  

I feel some sense of normality has returned even if it’s fleeting. Early last week I was out of it as I had ranout of meds for a few days. Back on and things are feeling reasonably level. I’m working on lots at the minute. One thing is stopping myself going on Facebook much.  I’ve now also had my second session of therapy with the psychologist. She’s quite good but her memory is t great so I’m having to remind her of things unless it’s one of her ‘tricks’ to see if I’m lying or story telling. Anyway she will only get the straight story from me.  So far so good. If I feel it’s not working with her, it is so far, I’ll tell her and ask for a different one. 

I’ve been off my tits lately. I’ve been getting caught up in others issues yet again and it’s made me unwell. I have to focus on keeping myself well and watching out even more for different new triggers. More Vigo Alice needed.  Others will do as they’re doing.  

Paranoia has been through the roof and overthinking was way out there even though I’d not taken it fully on board. I know I get unwell this time of the year. This year I’ve been conscious of it but maybe too much so. Time to reacess again. Time to relax into it. Time to let go.  

In other news I have started sowing seeds for the growing season, not that it ever ends, ahead. I’ve been watching lots of videos of how others do things on YouTube. It’s all good for fresh ideas. I have some things I’d like to try so all good.   Time to get on with life and time to just deal with episodes when they occur. 

it’s all going wrong.   I’m getting unwell again and I’ve tried to avoid it yet again.   I’m off Facebook and I don’t even feel I can write about what’s going on in here.  I can’t talk to my wife as she is part of the problem now.  I can’t carry on like this for much longer.  

I’ve not eaten this morning. My anxiety is running high. I have no money in my business again. I’m tired of the ever repeating cycle and tired of my ‘theoretical balance’ if I got paid from a few. Theoretical doesn’t pay the bills. I couldn’t eat as anxiety made me just about throw up. I couldn’t eat as there’s only enough for the kids. So I had s strong coffee again to stave off hunger.

  I’m breaking. Again. Endless circles. I fear this will be huge again or it’ll blow over. My dreams are very vivid. My sleep has been thrown and I feel the pressures building. I’ve seen one way out that’s not viable. Instead I have to stay and fight again. Each time I looses little more of myself. Each time I’m weakened. Chinks in my armour will eventually yield. Pushing and fighting knowing I won’t win is disheartening.