Today I’m in huge mental pain. It’s ducking hard to deal with. I’ve hardly slept. I’ll survive. I can’t talk about it right now other than to say I had a huge kick in the guts yesterday. I’m trying to do my absolute best for someone that I love dearly but fuck me I’m hurting today. Watching someone you care about living out a mental breakdown is fucking hard. Watching them glitter hours away online distracting themselves and doing other things too really is hard. I’m going to have to contemplate on what my actions will be from here forwards. My kids come first. If they’re hurting then I will need to act. I’m in no hurry to take action yet though as I really do want to support the person I’m trying to help. What hurts is I cannot talk to others about it.

The last couple of weeks anxiety has reared it’s head. It’s down to a few things but I keep going and keep pushing. Next week I’m back at full pace after having a week of early finishes, early for me anyway. My plans are all still in place and this weekend I will go over Augusts goals and check off what I achieved. I’ll then write down Septembers goals. Whatever else is going on in my day to day life does not affect my long term goals of financial wealth snd freedom and getting off grid. I’ve done bloody well this year so far and will adjust my end of year goals a little too. I’ve realised how strong and focused I am and that I can achieve anything I put my mind to. Life really is a beautiful experience. I’m also thinking of taking a few days off when I get the chance and go away to meditate and go inwards a little. This might be in the next month or two or maybe it’ll be over Christmas time. I’m not sure yet as I’m still pushing ahead with life and work.

A goal without a plan is just often just a dream.

Watching someone you care a lot about who is deep in grief is one of the hardest things I think I’ve ever had to do. I know that that person needs help ASAP but the NHS are ping ponging them around the system. I’ve offered to help them pay to get private counselling ASAP but i think that they’re refusing the offer for now. It hurts because I’ve been through this and I know the quicker one gets help the quicker recovery starts. I’d also say they are in a mental breakdown too. It pains me to watch and not be able to just take that grief into myself away from them. I see them using them using the same coping mechanisms I did like constantly scrolling Facebook and using various other distraction techniques. They’re drifting along in a semi-conscious state, their sleep is poor and I know all of these things compound to make things worse for longer. I have to be a strong friend for them as much as I’m able but fuck me it hurts watching it all unfold knowing that’s exactly how I was. All I can do is be there as much as they want me to be and to keep sending them love and healing.

In my life I’ve fucked so many things up but I keep going and pushing ahead. The last 10 months or so have been the most trying of my life but whereas I’d normally be self depreciating in the past and say what a cunt I was and how it’s all poor me I’ve grown and moved past that. The last 10 months I’ve not only worked on pushing my business and life but I’ve been working on self too. Right now I have to take full responsibility for all of my past actions and fuck ups or else I will stay stagnated, or keep the same loop running, in my life. It’s not easy but it’s the only way I can keep growing and grow up. My plans for the future remain the same, ie get vastly wealthy, have a lot of money to retire and live off grid. Instead of those things being a distant dream I am working and planning to make them a reality. I’ve burnt so many bridges the last year and it really hurts. Instead of hiding away and refusing to take much blame I am putting my hands up and saying “yes it was me. I fucked it all up. I hurt too many people that are close to me. I took out my childishness on others because I didn’t know any other way”. It’s the only way I can grow as a person. It’s funny that I’m writing this out, I wasn’t going to because actions speak much more than words. In the past I would’ve just used words. I can’t be weak anymore. In fact I have to be strong. I’m going to put right as many wrongs as I can and that will not be an easy thing to do. I’ve hurt those who are closest to me and will take responsibility for that. I’ve also realised it all started with the death of my mum and I had never got over that. That grief is finally coming out. I always thought I had to be a man and just carry it but grief simply destroys things if shut away in the dark recess’ of one’s mind. I hardly blog these days because of the work I have been doing and am still doing both physically and mentally. I will also have to start forgiving myself.