I’m tired a lot lately and I’m sleeping lots.  I had a short bout of depression, it’s lingering a bit, recently too.  The last couple of mornings I’ve woken up with some pain in my chest but that could just be linked to hayfever but I’m not sure.  My neighbour is being a bit of a dick.  The other day he cut part of our hedge out the front. It’s not over his side.  It’s the road side.  It’s where there’s a foot path. A path nobody uses and it hung over about 3-4″.  What a dickhead.  He didn’t even cut it all.  Then yesterday morning he took traffic cones from his front drive, yes he puts cones across his drive…., and put them outside his daughters, who lives the other side of us, in the road so it was awkward to get out of our drive.  They were in the road.  What a bellend.  It’s at times like these I think I’d to move  but we like it here on the whole and one day he will be dead.  When he pisses me off I wish it would happen sooner and yes I know that sounds nasty but he’s not a nice person at all. In fact he’s a racist, sexist homophobic prick.   I’m always polite to him though and try to kill him with kindness.  I’ve no idea what has gone on in his life when he was younger.

I’ve been dwelling a lot on my dad and how he died. Mostly I’ve thought about the last week of his life. I’m not sure why either.  I guess it’s how my brain works in that when something gets on top of me everything else my brain can throw at me to beat me up mentally it does.  I question it now though and I also mostly change thought patterns.

  I’m still awaiting a date for my operation and maybe this also is playing on my mind.   Something that has struck me lately is that I don’t have friends anymore.  None. I do have my close family that I love but that’s different.  I guess I’ve isolated myself from old friends and all of the bullshit that comes with it.  I guess I’m tired of average too so live quite isolated in that respect.  I know lots of people but keep distance.  Maybe it’s a safety mechanism.  In fact I’m sure it is along with self punishment and also not wanting them in my head or their complications.