Staring down the barrel of the abyss

I’m not sure where I’m headed. There are triggers in my life which are beyond my control and I don’t know what I can do about them which is unlike me. All the usual triggers are hitting me too which is normal for the time of the year.  I have no money to speak of right now. The bills are only just covered. It’s close to Christmas. My birthday has just passed, thank fuck because it’s a big trigger in several ways. My laptop has had issues and I’ve not been able to print bills off until yesterday. My mask has been superglued on with another one over the top. I’m behind where I had hoped to be with work and am yet to start some jobs which I had hoped I might have finished. It’s all building up. Everything. I’ve had enough and I’m only just warming up.  My children don’t want much for Christmas but I’m fighting my brain trying to work out how I can do the little they want.  I thought I wasn’t getting a tax bill as last year I’d lost the plot and didn’t make much profit at all but I do now have a tax bill.  I’m tired of living on ‘projected income’.  I’m tired of all the fucking bills.  I’m tired of paying out so much. I’m tired of working so much and having so little in return.  I’m not finding much joy in life. There are the odd little things that I am loving though like taking my son fishing.  Luckily it costs very little. I really treasure that time with him.  He deserves a better father figure than I can be sometimes I guess. I can’t live in the moment as I have to live in future work ahead just to trick my brain into thinking it’ll all be ok. I keep my mouth shut most of the time but inside I’m screaming about things.  I have things eating away at me. My wife doesn’t cope and drinks a few times a week and that’s a huge trigger for me. Often she has no recollection the next day of what she has said the night before.  Often she’s looking for reasons to pick at me or pick me apart and last night was no exception. I took both of our children fishing and it started to go wrong for my son and he got really angry. It was very windy and a rough sea. I messaged my wife while at the beach. It all turned around though.  When we got home she was drunk. She was excited that he had caught a fish but after they were upstairs she blamed me for the fact he had got cross. She brought up about a fishing trip in the summer when he got cross and angry. She told me it was my fault back then and hinted that last night would of been my fault. Funny how others judge a situation when they’re not there. He was cross because he couldn’t cash very far as it was so windy and was cross because he didn’t think he’d catch a fish. He did and it was a size we could bring home.  I know that it’s a huge trigger for me if she’s drunk as I get picked apart and I find her passive aggressive and spoiling for trouble. She never remembers it the next day and often our daughter reminds her of things she said even though she can’t remember herself.  I think she needs to admit that drink is an issue for her. If she opens a bottle of wine it has to get drunk. It’s usually gone in about 1/2 an hour.  She doesn’t realise but she drinks at least 3 nights a week and sometimes as often as 5. Obviously it’s a trigger oversize I wouldn’t be pouring it out here.  It needs to be addressed. It needs to be addressed for several reasons and first and foremost for her health.  She is on antidepressants and you shouldn’t drink on them because alcohol is a deprressant.  A parang,y her doctor says it’s ok to drink a bottle of wine 3+ times a week. Well if he does I ink he’s a shit doctor and a stupid cunt quite honestly. I’ve thought a few times about making an appointment with him and telling him what a twat he is. If he’s gibing others the same advice he is putting people at risk. Twat.  I better go to work and earn a few pennies. Enough fucking moaning. Time to get the sellotape and glue out and go find the third mask. 

No escape

There’s no escape from relentless mind. I’m fighting and it’s always a loosing battle. I’ll succumb one day. I’m tired. Tired of push push push to get money and it’s always going out. I’m tired of working too much and too hard. My mind used to be a good place. Now it’s a fight. Internal dialogue fights me. I push myself too much. Fuck it all.