Starting mild again

Today and yesterday, possibly Wednesday too I have been getting more mood changes in a day again. Today maybe 10. They’re not a sever highs/lows as last time but I need to keep an eye on them.

Tonight I was cooking and listening to music and singing along quite happily when I almost burst into tears of sheer bliss and sadness both at the same time.  I’m feeling everything much stronger again. My wife said this morning to ‘take care today’ because she knew my mood was elevating. I managed to do sod all today and also get more than I wanted to done at work. I know that’s a contradiction and that’s just me and how I am haha. Maybe I will buckle my seatbelt again. Work is very busy and even more is coming in so I need to keep it all under control.  I did see some things today out of the corner of my eye one was a very white figure type being. I knew it wasn’t real but had to look twice because there is a gate near where I saw it.  I’ve also found myself singing my own ‘special’ songs today. Ah I’ve just remembered my violent thoughts as well that I’ve had mixed in with my high/low moods today. All good fun. I should sleep now and did crash out on the sofa twice earlier.  The first time was pretty surreal. I had just crashed out and must of been kind of dreaming, my phone beeped and it kind of stirred me and I noticed my wife was walking near by too. Anyway I started to say ‘what are we going to do about the…’ And stopped there just short of saying ‘snake’. I must of been dreaming/thinking about an adder as I kind of came around. She wondered what I was going on about but not nearly as much as I did ! Haha. It’s crazy but ok and not scary at all this time.  

Yesterday all my troubles

Peoplesay don’t dwell on the past. They say other such bullshit too. Imagine if you had ran someone over surely you’d dwell on it?  I haven’t ran anyone over but what a load of old bollocks some sayings are.

So yesterday I had maybe 5-6 mood changes. Slightly milder ones but enough to notice they weren’t average normal mood changes. I had 4 by lunchtime. Maybe there were more than 5-6 but I’d say the others were mild and normal.  I think what stopped them being so rapid or strong or maybe even glossed over them was hearing how unwell a friends partner is with cancer. She has lots of tumours and is very unwell and it really hit me how lucky I am just to have a mental illness. I really wish I could just take it all away from her and help them.

Last night I cooked dinner. That’s 2 nights running.  I must be coming down with the flu! I never normally cook. I was in bed not long after 9pm and was asleep at around 9:30.  My wife had to deal with our children messing about because I was so crashed out.  I could kind of hear things going on but couldn’t move or awaken enough to to help. Also I noticed that my body was shifting a lot too.  I was hot as well. I woke in the night when the moon shine on my face because the cats had moved the curtain but other than that I slept until 6:20am.  I’m edgy at the moment and maybe altitude anxious but that’s life.  I know I have start dates etc to contend with. Also today we haveameeting at the school about my son and where we go with things… far bugger all has really happened and we aren’t much further ahead than we were a year ago……

How long can I still work…..

I am sat here wondering about work and life. The stress of life and work seem to build to such a height I either crash or go up.  I try to keep as balanced as possible but it doesn’t always work.  I keep a track on everything pretty closely. My sleep has gotten much better again although last night I didn’t turn lights off for sleep until 11pm and woke up before 6. I know 6 is my usual kind of time for waking up in my ideal world but I was and am a little concerned that I was still awake at 11 last night.  I’ll see how it goes tonight. Maybe I’ve just kind of caught up from tiredness from the past 3-4 months. I don’t know.  Anyway it is what it is.  Ah something else I’ve just remembered is I didn’t read last night really. I watched music videos on YouTube. That’s interesting. Sometimes there’s a mood shift happening when I obsess over things and over music too especially.  I also craved chocolate and sweet things last night. Shit I even cooked dinner and dessert too! That’s unheard of.  I’d forgotten that until just now. Mind you my wife didn’t feel so great and I wanted to help out.  I don’t think I write much about that aspect of my life in here.  Hmmm.  Interesting. I love my wife and my family lots.      

I nearly didn’t start to blog this morning because I thought I have nothing to say.  Anyway I guess I always have things to say. I sometimes wish I could record my thought patterns and my thinking.  I should harness my ideas because often they could be world changing.  Maybe some of them are even genius.  Some are really shit though too haha. I guess this morning I’m calm but agitated. Ah it’s dawned on me. I’m a tiny bit anxious too because I have a kind of start date for March and have lots of work to fit in between now and then. I know it’ll work out fine but maybe it’s starting to trigger things off with me.  

Oh I’ve just realised that originally I was going to post about how long can I realistically keep working for because often work really is my biggest trigger even though it’s also what keeps my feet on the ground. I’m never really sure how I cope properly either.  I guess I’m just so bloody awesome that I do and nobody ever notices that I’m running around like a headless chicken half the time internally. I’m tired of pushing people away too. So tired of it. So tired of wearing my mask too but if I don’t I think I’d end up living alone miles from anywhere. We really are just like worker bees.  Feeding the system. What a load of bollocks it is too living like that. Snatching moments here and there and thinking we are living.  That’s not living. It’s barely existing and we are killing the world too whilst doing it.  Crazy. Utterly crazy.  Killing the only planet we have and thinking it’ll all be ok. Haha. What a joke. Mankind is sick. Mankind is a sickness on the earth. Killing everything. No wonder I can’t cope.  It’s a joke.  Living on a planet that wants infinite growth from finite resources. Haha. How stupid are those in power and government bending over to the whim and will of corporation.  Crazy world.  Humans suck. 

Well hindsight is a wonderful thing

well after my rant this morning I feel glad that I spoke with my wife before work and I also phoned her too. Communication can be so hard. I have tried explain what some of my mood changes are like. I asked her to remember her happiest memory or time and imagine it nicer and better. Then I asked her about her lowest point. Then I said to imagine going from one to the other in minutes or hours but maybe with a normal mood etc inbetween. I think she tries really hard to understand me and I love her for that. I’m glad we spoke and that I could try to get things through to her. 

Pissed off from last night still

I had drumming last night which was great. I got home and my wife and children were playing Uno which is a card game. All was ok. I ate My dinner etc. I was a little excitable for sure. My wife was drunk. It was quite early when we were getting the kids ready for bed and my wife got irritable. I had a shower and apologised to her for being lively and a bit up etc and said I would come down stairs for a while. It was maybe 8:30 pm. Just as I sat down I received an email about work and about pricing a job within the next week etc. So I replied asking some questions and then it was 9pm so I went to bed.  I decided that instead of reading one of my books I would do some research online.   I was looking up about rapid cycling and ultra rapid cycling etc and started to chat with my wife. Anyway the discussion turned to how her daughters have distanced  themselves from me and I said that its ok if they feel they need to be distanced from me. With this my wife got cross. She didn’t understand what I meant. I explained that if they struggle to understand me or how I can be then it’s ok if they want to be distant as long as they are close to her.  Part of this crossness was because when in a real bad state a few weeks ago I texted one of her daughters and I think I tried to explain how I feel at times but was also very paranoid and her daughter assumed I was attention seeking and trying to provoke something. This lead to my wife basically saying that it’s attention seeking. I tried to explain that it couldn’t  further from the truth! To hear my wife say that it’s attention seeking really pissed me off. Seriously pissed me off. I rolled over to go to sleep. How fucking dare she say that! If only she knew how many times I feel really bad and haven’t been able to tell her anything and I have just had to carry on externally as normal and go off to work while inside I’m a wreck. Sitting here writing this I’m getting angry too.  She has been drinking quite a lot lately. Ok maybe she feels she now has a lot to deal with. Im no different to who I was before apart from the fact that we do now KNOW why I am different at times and why my moods crash or go up. The only difference is having a confirmation of it all. To tell me it’s attention seeking is fucking stupid and it’s seriously pissed me off. Seriously.

I really don’t think my wife knows me at all right now and to think we were getting closer again. I personally think she needs to stop drinking. Often she says she can’t remember saying things like that but in my opinion that’s no excuse. So I think I am going to end up overthinking all day yet again. I am also going to have to think how much I actually tell my wife yet again too. Maybe it’s best I tell her fuck all. Especially if she thinks it’s just attention seeking. How fucking dare she. I have no friends to talk to other than people online and I have no family either that I can talk to and she has now made it quite clear that I certainly can’t try to talk to her daughters about it. Fuck the lot of them. They can all fuck off. Wankers. The next time they might want to borrow money they can fuck off and to think my wife can afford to buy 3-5 bottles of wine each week but I have to pay her tax…..she can fuck off too.  

I thought I was starting to come out and to level off but this has seriously fucked me off and to think that part of the reason I tipped over and went sky high was because I was trying to earn lots of money to pay for things too. Fuck it all.  Attention seeking my arse. 

Monday morning anxiety and headache

I woke up this morning with anxiety or anxiety woke me more likely. I’ve. Little bit of a headache too. I’m not too sure what the anxiety is about fully but it’s mostly work based.  At times like this I wonder how much longer I can cope with working. I know working kind of keeps me going but at the same time it’s a huge part of some of the issues I face in life too.  I try to remember how much I enjoy work when I feel like this and work really is my social life.  I never socialise other than work and I think that suits me fine.  What does concern me though is if I’m not feeling fully in the right place my head wanders when I’m at work and I often wonder if I’m doing the job to my best ability. Mostly I am.

 I can’t remember if I wrote in here yesterday or not. Oh well. It is what it is.  The headache kind of blinds me a bit I guess.  

Yesterday we had lunch at my mother in laws and my father in law made a point of saying what a difference I’ve made to their family. It was very kind of him but I felt really embarrassed and very edgy about it. I personally feel like I’m a fuck up and it’s just he doesn’t know what a fuck up I am.  I feel like the world could crumble down around my ears at any time and it wouldn’t surprise me.  I guess they all just see the mask I wear.  It’s quite funny really because I have chatted privately with my sister in law who has her own mental health issues and she knows where I’m at. It’s funny because they see her a s a little bit out there or maybe ‘off her trolley’ but she’s probably as stable or maybe more stable than I am. Maybe she’s just wearing her mask really well too.  Anyway lunch wasn’t stressful for me yesterday and I’m glad I went.  It was my younger stepdaughters birthday last week so that’s why we all had lunch.  

While out for lunch a friend of mine messaged me to ask if she could call me because she thought she could be going manic. I went out to our car and called her. She was in a bit of a state but I managed to talk some sense into her and hopefully claimed her down a bit.  It was the first time she has ever messaged to ask if she can call so I was a bit concerned. I’ll check in with her later today and see how she is doing. She did message last night to thank me for listening to here and said that nobody usually listens to her.  I won’t go into detail here as to what her situation was but she was very worried and scared that she had done something and didn’t know she had.  

 I’m now drinking a big cup of tea. What a tonic tea can be.  I think I need to drink more fluids again. 

Thoughts of today and tonight

it’s Saturday night already and I have been having some thoughts. Where to start. Hmmmm. Earlier today I caught my thoughts as I was at work and they were quite dark thoughts. Thoughts or fantsaies of hurting others both psychologically and physically too. They were pretty dark and quite hard to get rid of too.

I finished work about12:30 then also looked at a small job and came home. I started reading and needed to nap. So I slept for a short while which is always good. I woke feeling a lot better and started reading again. It’s funny that I needed to sleep because I had about 10 hours last night. Anyway I needed it and it helped.   We went out to eat tonight and afterwards we went to buy some ice cream in a supermarket.  While there we bought a couple of films ‘Everest’ and ‘Lucy’ and watching Everest it reminded me of a year or two ago when I decided I would and could find a way to climb it. Obviously it hasn’t happened but I researched a hell of a lot about climbing and about climbing Everest itself. Maybe that’s also a delusion that I had in the past but I know if I had the money to pay the climbing fees and to take the time off work plus put in the training then physically and mentally I could.  Does that mean it was a delusion or just that I could if I found a way todo so? Hmmm.  

  Anyway I have just watched ‘Lucy’ and I bought it because it’s about someone accessing 100% of their minds capacity.  I loved ‘Limitless’ because it was about accessing the mind quite fully too. It’s got me thinking about my own intelligence and how I use brain training at times but also how I read a lot and can gain a certain amount of insight into countless things because I obsess and also if I’m high I can take onboard vast amounts of information.  Years ago I had a nickname that I never liked which was ‘knowledge’. It was used by others detrimentally and I guess even back then I knew things.  It’s also got me to thinking about my own mind but also the bipolar mind too.  Most see it a s a curse but I try to see it as a blessing mostly when I can.  At the minute it’s a bit of both but I am gaining full awareness over myself again at times. Fingers crossed it will continue.  I’m certainly back reading lots again about permaculture and also a bit about quantum physics too, although less about that at the minute. This has all made me realise that I have tried to increase my brains capacity for usage and I know I have tried to ‘rewire’ my brain and mind while in meditative states.

Ah that reminds me I have been able to meditate again a few times this past week which is always good.  I say it’s good because meditating makes me much more aware of the sled and the moment but also by being aware it helps calm my mind down quite a bit.  I am still also off Facebook. It really can be a brain drain and very addictive too.  I most certainly get addicted to it and a break won’t do any harm at all.  When I am on there I am still not on any bipolar or mental health groups as I know they tend to pull me in and down and often I get too caught up in others and their doings.   So I avoid those groups and I a avoiding Facebook. I just need to get back to increasing my intelligence and also my understanding of self and universe.  I must look into Jungian psychology a bit deeper again too.  Maybe I will analsie the psychiatrist while they analsie me. One can tell a lot about a person by the questions they ask.  Often a question from one person answers things for another.  Interesting.  Hmmmm.

Anyway back to rewiring my brain and increasing capacity along with more reading and meditation. I really ought to get back working out or at the least skipping and using the punch bag. Drumming is very good for my mind and my body but more physical working will help even more.   I feel I am almost back to a certain kind of level now too. 

Friday internal fights

This morning was a morning of far too much internal dialogue and internal fights.  

 A friend messaged me to see if I was ok and I kind of rambled and said not so good. She messaged back that she had almost finished one job and could chat shortly. I figured she meant message chat but she phoned instead and was a real star at telling me it’s ok to just be as I was and to try not to analsie too much.  She helped me realise I was beating myself up far too much.  I figure I need to be able to phone my wife when I’m like that and maybe have a different code word than the one she uses to tell me if I’m going off on one. Food for thought.  

I had called the psych nurse this morning and managed to chat with her this afternoon and she also put my mind at ease. I had a few questions, most of which I had forgotten, and she was really good at answering them. My next appointment will be with the psychiatrist and I can discuss more then too and ask more questions. I think what has surprised me most about having a diagnosis is I don’t feel so fake about it all now.  I always new my thinking was a it different but now I know it is and that there’s a reason why. Mostly it’s because I’m awesome. Mostly. I only wish everyone could see the world how I do when I’m on a fantastic high and hear all that I can hear too. 

Thirsday night

It’s Thursday night and I’m not sure what’s going on. I was high last night not way way high but high enough for my wife to make a point of telling/arming me. Then I drank champagne afterwards. What a stupid/great idea that was! Anyway tonight I’m here and today has kind of been ok but I have been a bit unsure of where I’m at. Anyway tonight I feel mixed. My head is pounding and I feel a bit drunk too. I’m sober though. I wish I had of had these feelings on Monday when I saw the psychiatric nurse. I’m not sure if I’m going off on one again but I feel really worn out by all of this. If I’m going to start getting more unwell as I get older I’m not sure what I will do. Right now I think I’m going to curl up on the sofa or maybe shower quickly and go to bed. I’m not sure. I know I should shower and go to bed but I really can’t be bothered to go upstairs. And also this is my own quiet time. My kids have been hard work tonight. They’re probably just being normal but I’m fighting myself more than usual I guess.  I don’t know. I’m trying to work out if there are triggers to this and I’m going to have to really analsie it all and sort through it. I have to get through tomorrow and Saturday yet before I can unwind A little. Maybe Sunday I won’t be able to either as we are out at my mother in laws for lunch I think. I’ll see how I feel. I might be full of life by then.  Or. Aubergine I won’t. Who knows. It is what it is.  I’m tired of fighting. Can I just give in and allow it do do what it will I don’t know anymore. I’m so unsure. I’m unsure about being unsure. Or I think I a,m. Fight fight fight. I keep getting up again though. That’s good I guess. So far so good so what. Moffet. 

Today was ok then tricky

I was working outside all day today and it was cold but nice being outside.  I had gotten as far as I could by about 3pm and then started to leave to go to another job. My mood had been reasonably on one level most of the day but had a few blips of feeling bad. Anyway on the way to the other job I started to gets some really horrible thoughts about my life. I started to think how I’m just never really in control and how horrible I am. It got worse. Then I questioned it and felt OK for maybe 30 seconds then dark thoughts crept in again. All the way to the other job I was feeling bad and starting to get worse.  One inner voicewas telling myself I should go home and rest and sleep. Another was telling me I was being lazy and worthless and should man up and carry on. This went on briefly until I was maybe 1/4 mile from the job and turned left at a roundabout instead of right. I messaged the customer and said I will go tomorrow instead of today. I missed the next turning to go home and ended up doing a different way home. I got in about 3:30 or just after and felt really down and depressed and just went to bed. I slept for maybe 2 1/2 hours and when awake still stayed in bed longer. It was maybe the best thing I could of done and now I’m still tired but not feeling so bad. I think the stress of  yesterday had caught up with me and also I was really scared I was going into a mixed state again.  Hopefully I’ve staved it off.  If I go mixed again like I was before I’m getting help ASAP because I don’t think I could handle it again.