I was working outside all day today and it was cold but nice being outside. I had gotten as far as I could by about 3pm and then started to leave to go to another job. My mood had been reasonably on one level most of the day but had a few blips of feeling bad. Anyway on the way to the other job I started to gets some really horrible thoughts about my life. I started to think how I’m just never really in control and how horrible I am. It got worse. Then I questioned it and felt OK for maybe 30 seconds then dark thoughts crept in again. All the way to the other job I was feeling bad and starting to get worse. One inner voicewas telling myself I should go home and rest and sleep. Another was telling me I was being lazy and worthless and should man up and carry on. This went on briefly until I was maybe 1/4 mile from the job and turned left at a roundabout instead of right. I messaged the customer and said I will go tomorrow instead of today. I missed the next turning to go home and ended up doing a different way home. I got in about 3:30 or just after and felt really down and depressed and just went to bed. I slept for maybe 2 1/2 hours and when awake still stayed in bed longer. It was maybe the best thing I could of done and now I’m still tired but not feeling so bad. I think the stress of yesterday had caught up with me and also I was really scared I was going into a mixed state again. Hopefully I’ve staved it off. If I go mixed again like I was before I’m getting help ASAP because I don’t think I could handle it again.
