I think I might be heading unwell.  I’ve not been at my best for a couple of weeks. Mild depression. I’m trying to keep going.  I’m being pushed and pulled.  I’m trying to do right by and for others but it never works.  I’ve thought about a few things and ways out. I’m constantly tired and I’m worn out and had enough of lots of things.  I need some serious head space. I need to work through so many things. So many things right from childhood.   It might just be a blip. I’m sure ill be ok as I always have to be.

 I saw my cpn at my home 2 weeks ago and then last week I saw the psychiatrist and my cpn tighter on Thursday then I saw my psychologist on Friday. Psychiatrist said I can reduce medication soon. Psychologist said I continue to throw surprises her way and that I had really shocked her at the previous visit when she asked if I ever have thoughts of suicide and I explained how often. She told me I’m high risk.  I guess everything I do in life has a risk.    

I’ve had chest pains in the night.  Maybe someone’s slowly killing me.  I’ve wondered about how I’m affecting my children and about how they will cope.  I think my wife wants me dead.  I can’t explain anything to her.  I have no friends anymore either.   I’m told I can phone the hospital at any time. I’m not sure how bad I’m supposed to be before I phone them so how do I know?  Also I guess it will be marked down and show that I’m not coping at times? A black mark perhaps?    

So much I could say or write but I’m not sure I should and I’m not sure it’s the right place.  

I feel I’m walking a tightrope again. I’ve been coping well for a while and been pretty level for a while but today I feel like the black dog might be chasing me again.  I’ve been overthinking and inventing stories in my mind. I’m tired and I’m tired of having to fight.  I know I said I’ll not fight anymore I’ll just accept, and that’s what I’m trying to do, but this has fucked with my life too many times.  How many times does one keep getting up? When does one know it’s not worth it?  Why do people wish mental illness on others?  I need to sleep lots tonight to be able to keep being normal again tomorrow.  I need a break. We’re supposed to just work hard and everything will be good.  I work too hard and am always pushing a weight up a hill.  It’s not even real any more.  I wish my thoughts would slow a little. 

Since early evening yesterday I’ve been obsessing about a certain thing and overthinking it.  As a single thing it wouldn’t bother me but as this is a build up of things it’s got to me.   Somebody who lives very close to us doesn’t like that we live a slightly alternative lifestyle and ever since we’ve moved here have gone on about countless things.  A year or so ago it was about rats, we have chickens, Guinea pigs and now some ducks in our garden.  Instead of coming to talk to us they reported us to environmental health saying we had a rat infestation.  I know that this was due to the fact we have chickens and they don’t like it and want us to get rid of them.  Environmental health came out and had a good look around and found zero sign of rats and actually said the odd rat is to be expected when you live in the countryside, have fields to the front and back and a farm about 500m away.  We knew this anyway but the certain person has gone on about countless other things since we moved here.  Anything they could find to have even the slightest moan about they have.  They cannot get their head around the fact that others do not have to do what they say and don’t have to live as they do.  We’ve been reported again.  For rats.  Again. For an ‘infestation’.  Again.  When they phones up and spoke to my wife they asked to make an appointment. She said ‘come today if you’d like. It won’t bother us’.  So they’re coming towards the end of the month.  It goes to show how serious they’re taking it.  There are zero signs of rats.  We have cats for fuck sake and if there were rats then there wouldn’t be rats.  I have compost heaps. No sign of rats there either.  However what and why it’s got to me is its just yet another thing in a long list of things this person  goes on about.  This person is aggressive and a bully.  My wife finds them a bully too.  This persons attitude is ‘I know I’m right!’ Over everything.  Usually I find that these people are actually wrong.  Anyway it’s pissed me off hugely. This time I’ve going to be here and talk with the person inspecting. If they find something then it’ll be sorted but we’ve found no sign of anything at all.  If or when they find nothing I’m going to ask to put a complaint in regarding the person who has reported us because quite honestly it’s victimisation and it’s been going on since a few days after we moved here, but because we have a live and let live attitude to life we have shrugged it off. Not only is it victimisation it’s lies and it’s also costing the council money to send someone out here.  If there was ‘an infestation’ then the fucking rats would be everywhere.  What there is is an infestation of arseholes wanting to make life hard for a family who don’t comply to all of the ‘norms’ and just want to live a peaceful life their own way and grow their own food. Which is another point. If we had an infestation of rats I’m sure the veg I grow at home would of been eaten by now but not a single sign.  I think they also don’t like that our garden has a few small semi wild areas where insect etc can thrive. They see it as untidy and would prefer for it all to be concrete, sheds  and grass like their garden.  It’s not going to be though because we care about nature and wildlife hence why we released 4 hedgehogs from PACT animal sanctuary last year.  Point of fact being if we were over run with vermin, other than the vermin making complaints, then an animal sanctuary simply wouldn’t of allowed us to have the hedgehogs.  I’m ranting and I’m fuming.   Thankfully I’m older and wiser and now that these things can be handled calmly because a handful of years ago I would of gone and banged on their door and put my point of view right in their face in one of many ways.  These days I keep calm and don’t allow the monster out.