Today I’ve felt crappy. Physically crappy. I’m coming down with a head cold and sore throat plus a cough. I always get all three together. Not sure why but I do. I think I’ve pushed my immune system a bit lately and last week having broken sleep has capped it all off.  I worked most of today and did exceptionally well considering.  I was on autopilot though. Tomorrow I’ll go at it again and see where we get to. I’m hoping to finish a little early again tomorrow. I’m also hoping I sleep well tonight! My brain is fuzzy and thinking hurts I think. 

I’ve woken up with anxiety yet again. I’m not sure why. Today should be dry until much later. The weather forecast had said it would pour with rain. It’s good that it’ll be dry but it’s totally throwny thinking about work.  I was anxious anyway. I’ve decided that I’ll go in and do what I can. That’s all I can do. If I get pissed off I’ll sit down. If I’m tired I’ll snooze. It’s an empty house so it’s fine.

 I need my mojo back. I’m lacking some serious get up and go right now. I’m really really struggling mentally and I’m so tired too. Last night I had to switch my phone off because I was wired. After I turned the light off I felt a surge in energy too. Luckily I switched off and slept. I didn’t think I would. There are so many triggers for me right now that it’s hard to notice them all. I need sleep. If it’s wet tomorrow I will do a job that needs doing then I’ll rest. I’m worn out by it all. It’s hard to explain to anyone how tired I feel inside.  I feel old but I keep plodding on and keep carrying on. Too many people rely on me being ok that I cant not be ok. I can’t wait until the weekend and having 4 days off. I might do the absolute minimum this week and then my wife can go to work. This week is a bit screwed up anyway.  I just want to go to sleep.    

What is happening? I thought most of this was under control. I thought I’d figured out my triggers. I guess as my life continues I get new unexpected triggers. I don’t know very much anymore. It’s all a mystery to me right now. I came off facebook for almost 24 hours but went back on. I think I need to get off it. Maybe permanently. I need to write out a game plan for this year/life. I’m just drifting along aimlessly. 

It’s a grey day outside today.  I’m unmotivated and I’m still in bed. I’m tired but slept well. I need good energy to flow through me. I need balance too.  I need all sorts I guess. My life isn’t so bad really. 

I’ve been high. Very high. A tricky high. I’ve been on facebook and I shared posts that I can’t even remember sharing until people commented etc. shocking. It’s shocking. I’m hoping I’m almost back to normal but I can’t be fully sure just yet. I’m tired and worn out. It’s stressed me. I wish I could retire from work fully and be a hermit. I could cope with that a treat. It’d be perfect. Maybe. Maybe not though. Maybe I’d still get tricky as fuck. I’m almost sure I would. The dream of it seems good though. Shutting myself away from outsiders and outside stress. One day I will do it to see how it is. I have done the 5 day solitary retreat. I’d still have my family so that’d be nice. Anyway I just hope I calm down properly if I’m still high.

I say if because often I feel like I’m back to normal but the reality is that I’ve just used got used to being high though. 

Today has been a day to forget. My ears are ringing, my head is spaced out and spinning, my body is tense and warmer than usual too. I’ve been high and may go higher. This could be just the start. I’ve posted and commented on Facebook lots and can’t even remember most of it. I’ve forgotten most of today and my brain is fuzzy. It’s not good. Yesterday my wife said our code word. I took heed of it but my disturbed sleep is catching me up fast. It’s not good. I’m shattered. I grabbed a  10 minute snooze today but should of crashed out fully. I’m all over the place. My wife came home to washing up that wasn’t done and cooked dinner. The kids have been even trickier than normal or it seems like it to me. I’ve just had a massive struggle/fight to get my son to have a shower and hair wash. He then got cross about brushing his teeth. My daughter spat her dummy so to speak about the lovely roast my wife had cooked. She got cross because they had chicken, I’m still veggie, and she didn’t want it. There were sausages that she could have but she had blown up big time by then and did t take that offer onboard. At one point I was almost physically shaking. I know my wife reads this usually. So I’d like to thank her for being so patient with everything and so understanding xx.   So it’s a day that can fuck right off. 

I forgot to write yesterday. I’ve noticed my thoughts have sped up a bit too and my sleep is a bit disturbed. My dreams are strange too.

Monday night I dreamt that I was in a psychiatric hospital and was extremly delusional and halucinating lots. I woke from it with sleep paralysis. I had a few other strange dreams too and I had to get up to pee a few times.  Last night was much the same. I got up to pee twice and I dreamt I was in a futuristic place. Maybe on an alien planet or moon. It was a war type scenario or certainly good v bad scenario. We had strange weapons/guns and wore lightweight space suits or something. Anyway I managed to survive. I always do.  

The broken sleep isn’t good for me and I’m not tired either. I’m awake early and going to sleep a little later as well as waking in the night. I’m feeling good but also a little anxious.  I’ve almost had enough of investigating the terrible things our governments do behind our backs and behind closed doors too but people do need to know that these things go on. Maybe it can trigger me though so I have to step back a bit.  

I am meditating a little again and I’m reading again. If only I could keep it up all of the time but I know now that I can’t always and I accept it without a fight so that I don’t cause more angst for myself.  I guess I’m winning battles but know I might not win the war. I’m not admitting defeat though. 

I’ve realised I didn’t write over the weekend. It might of been a few days even. Well my son has started getting pretty angry and aggressive. He’s 11 and puberty has started. He’s being tricky with going to school too and we’ve sought outside help. The biggest thing with it is I can relate totally to him. I used to be the same. Luckily my wife has helped get others involved, poor lad is confused by it all. I think his natural testosterone levels are starting to chime in. Anyway I really wish I’d of had people to help out when I was younger. At times I feel broken. I have to talk myself out of thinking things but I do feel like it’s Karma for my bad behaviour as a kid and I feel like I’m carrying karma from my parents too, they broke up when I was 6. I know it’s irrational but at times I think these things. I guess it’s a form of mental punishment that I mete out on myself. I’m not sure why though. I guess I need to forgive myself.  I’m pretty sure life isn’t actually real and that this thing we call life is just a game or hologram.    

I’m a little anxious today but not hugely. Certainly enough to notice it though. I’m considering having a day of preparation and pricing before I get too far behind. Who knows what I’ll do. I change faster than the weather these days. 

Feeling superb. Looking forwards to my day ahead. Lots to do. Lots to get done and I’m loving it. 

I got up early, just after 5 am , after having been awake for a while so fucking angry at things. I’m still fuming. Really fuming. Several things have gotten on top of me last night and yesterday. One which has really wound me up is a phone call with a customer saying they thought my bill for a priced job should be reduced. Very ducking stupidly I agreed to reduce it. The job was priced and agreed. It actually took longer because of fart arsing about on their behalf and also because they didn’t turn up to unlock a building which they said they would. Also I had to get an extra piece of oak made because someone had repaired something wrongly. I’m still yet to write out the revised bill because if I do it now I will write down how it’s taken longer and how they put me to extra expense only to have the cheek to ask me to reduce it because they feel it didn’t require as much concrete. I’m also fit to tell them not to ask me to do any other work because I have customers who will pay their bill in full and pay for the additions to their works. I know it sounds childish but I’m so angry. I’m angry at myself for agreeing to take money off my bill too. I feel feeble minded and weak. People piss me off.   I’m also angry at my wife and how she acted towards our daughter last night. She drank too much and got far too aggressive. My daughter had only been in the shower maybe 2-3 minutes when my wife started on her.  I’m going to tell her I don’t want her drinking while the kids are up because she can’t handle drink. She had drank a bottle of wine before 8pm. She couldn’t even remember washing our sons hair before kicking off with our daughter. It’s not on and it was totally uncalled for. Totally. 

It’s Monday night already. I had a lazy weekend. I’d intended to work Saturday but didn’t. I’ve been quite lethargic.  I’ve also had a funny tummy too brought on by eating cheap food. Not good. Life goes on.    

My son is being funny about going to school and won’t go. My daughter is going but it all affects her too. My wife blew up at my daughter tonight over what seemed like nothing to me. I was downstairs but it did sound unfair. Very unfair. I was angered by it. I came upstairs and intervened. I dislike alcohol. My wife couldn’t even remember that she had already washed our sons hair, she told me she had brushed it but that it needed washing. My son and I looked at each other and he said that it’d been washed. It was still wet. Not good. I wasn’t happy. I’ll talk to her about it later or tomorrow.  Usually she forgets some of the details. Once she had even forgotten a whole tv program that we had all watched.