I woke up this morning feeling quite rough but after a cup of tea and a walk around our garden I’m feeling quite inspired again. The biggest issue I have with life is that I have to work to live and it means that I/we never really live.  I’ve also realised that I can make getting much more off grid and much more self sufficient a real possibility. Work is an amazing subduer of people’s passion for life.  I want my passion back fully, if it’s ever been fully there since starting work or even life.  I’m prepared to face the possible social and economic hardships for the beautiful life of loving as we want to and living with nature not against her. All of the fear and hatred I see in the world could possibly be cured by living with nature not living to earn credits ( money ).  I’ve realised that my family needs me to be the best version of myself that I can be.

It’s a beautiful day out there and I’m going to go to work to earn my credits. Tomorrow is the first of October and is the day we take over a half plot of allotment. We can grow much more food and I have some things I’ll look to plant already and there is some tidying up to be done.

What would the world look like if we didn’t all need to earn profit or money but instead we could be what we were meant to be? Hmmmm. Who knows. I’m sure we would still have good doctors etc. in fact I’d say health care would be HEALTHCARE and not just the giving out of quick advice and pills. The world seems to be on its head. I’m going to be a part of the change I want to see. I’m going to do my best to inspire others to be who they can be.

I’ve been off work today. I’m pretty worn out but still pretty happy. I’m unwell. Physically unwell.  My throat feels like it’s got thorns in it and my lips are full of cold sores. I’ll live. I always do. I’ve been drinking honey, lemon and ginger. The ginger is from our garden  

I have been a bit paranoid today.  Nothing too out of hand but mild. If I question it then I know it’s me. I’m still pretty level but just physically unwell. Last night, after drumming, I saw a cat in our living room that wasn’t there. It caught me out a bit but it’s ok. I can deal with things like that when I know I’m getting unwell.  I took today off because I have come to notice any warning signs and I know that if I’m coming down with a virus a day off now saves several days off later.  

I’m not sure if I’ve written this on here before but we have an allotment from 1st October. I’m really looking forwards to going up a level with growing our own food. It’s another step towards us getting off grid too. Another step towards knowing and learning what we need to go further with it when we buy land. We have a half plot but fingers crossed we are allowed the other half which is beside it too. We’ve already got some pretty well rotted manure to put on where we will plant potatoes next year and will hopefully get some more too. 

I realised on my way home tonight that I couldn’t remember anything about the drive up until that point. I’ve been on autopilot a good amount lately. I think my level ness is tailing off. I’m not sure if it’s the start of depression or if it’s something else. Anyway I’ve noticed some changes. Subtle ones.  Today at work I realised I had a murderous thought when I found a small knife. It was a very fleeting thought but it was there. A nasty thought. Brief but nasty.  Horror. Life is a horror at times isn’t it. It is. My head is tiring me out. I’m shattered. I had so much I thought to write it its all spaghetti in my head now. I’m not even sure it’s still in there. Wherever there is.

Life is slipping away from me I fear. I need to make plans. I need to keep seeing things through and not give up and let go. Pressure inside my brain. It’s there. My head hurts. Physical pain. Ears ringing. Tiredness. A merry-go-round that’s not merry.    

It’s the time of year for dark deathly dreams. Strange thoughts and death.  I’m fearing winter now, something I never used to do. In fact I used to always love winter. Maybe I should try again. Maybe I need to be all aware and change my thoughts.  It tried today. It worked briefly. Then it slipped into autopilot again.  I think I’m getting fat. I need to exercise. My body isn’t so good anymore. To think that I had gained muscle earlier this year and was doing so well. Hmmmm. I need to keep myself going and to find inner strength and motivation.  Death looms. The year is dying. Death.    

The precipice.  I’m standing on the precipice.  The abyss looms.  Do I cross it? Do I cross over? Do I seek what is there? 

Well I’ve a small tad amount of anxiety and also something else I’m not sure about. I’m not sure if I’m a bit angry inside or just tired. Who knows. It is what it is I guess.  Such is life.  

Oh how life is strange and shitty at times. I think I’m getting a shift in mood. I’ve had several stupid paranoid thoughts the last few days and even though I know they’re not real they are playing on my mind when I least expect them to. It sucks. I’m not sure where my mood is going or if it’s going anywhere at all. I can’t even remember what I was going to write either.  I’m tired. Very tired. Mentally and physically. At work today I just wanted to lay down and go to sleep. I didn’t even care if I’d if never woke up again. I’m tired of all the struggles that even daily life can have. It’s a fucker. I’m not sure where my head is at or where my life is headed. At times I see how great things are and at other times I feel washed up at 40. I’ll soon be 41. I keep trying to push forward with life but fuck me it beats me down. I try to remain positive about how things will get better but every penny I try to save just goes. One thing I do know is that permaculture is the way forwards with life. We need to get off grid asap. I crave getting away from normal society and being able to focus fully on getting us set up off grid and with no mortgage. It’s funny really because most of the time I try to remain focused and present but yet I’m dreaming about things I want to do. Ah it is what it is. No point going on at myself. I’m too tired to give a fuck anyway. One day I’ll be dead. It could be any day. 

I keep forgetting to post. I’m doing well. I’m level. It’s strange but ok. I miss the high but not the lows. If I can stay like this but with some energy and inspiration I’ll be ok. Life’s good. It’s strange feeling what I guess is normal. Oh well. Who knows what’s around the corner.  Life is life. Off grid is the way forwards. Lots of trees need planting too. Oh lots of permaculture too. We need lots of it. 

Things are going ok.  I’m good and pretty much level. I’m trying to keep on top of circadians. My sleep is pretty settled and my dreams are pretty strange but that’s ok, although I can’t remember last nights dreams. Oh well that’s life sometimes.   I guess I feel pretty fake sitting here writing stuff down in a blog called the bipolar builder because I am level. I’m always cautious though just in case I’m fooling myself haha.

     Anyway life is good.    We are getting an allotment at the end of September so that we can grow even more food. We are trying to get off grid. It’s baby steps but we are doing it bit by bit and eventually we might well sell our house and move. That’s the plan anyway. 

I am relaxed and woke up naturally after a good sleep. I have been in deep thought lately and have been in touch with my higher self. I have realised that my life has been going in cycles. Often these are yearly cycles too, sometimes monthly and weekly, even daily at times. Modern life can take its toll on is and sometimes we need to be able to take a step back and move forwards.  Yesterday morning I felt something inside had been inspired and so I started to write. This is what I wrote.       

The rest of your life begins now. It always begins now. Now is the only time it truly is. Can there be any time other than now?
It is said that worry over the past is depression and that worry about the future is anxiety. That is very true in most cases. Right now is now. What do you feel right now? Unless you think about the future or the past then you only think about now. There is no anxiety. There is no depression.
It really is the thoughts that the mind has that leads us to wherever we head. If we concentrate on now then what happens is awareness. Full awareness. We can debate the this’s and that’s of life but that’s not the now. Still the mind. Be without thinking. Don’t analyse. Just be. Right now you are here. You are ok. Everything is ok. Don’t fear. Fear constricts your whole being. It restricts you from your full awareness. It’s amazing what freeing yourself from mental slavery really is and what it really can do. It is the simplest thing to do but yet so hard too because ego slips in and tricks you. It tricks you into thinking rather than being.
We often think that we are doing things in life to secure our futures. Futures that are based on financial security, but what about our mental and spiritual health and security. What do we do for those? Why do we fear so much? What leads to these fears and why do we react so much to these things and these stimulus? How can we free ourselves? We have to allow the moment to be open and here. To live here as much as we can. The more we live here and now the less anxiety and depression will affect us. Yes, it can still affect us, but the more we relax into the fullness of moment the less hold it has. Ego will try to rationalise us into thinking. Into thinking this or that. To trick us into old thought patterns, and thought patterns do exist and can be changed. If we become aware of a moment we free ourselves from the mental slavery of thought patterns. Thought patterns can be destructive even if we don’t think it or see it at the time, so if we can become aware and see that we can change thoughts and be open we can heal. Often there are triggers that lead to one thing and once that one thing is there the ball rolls down the hill even faster. It picks up momentum like a snowball rolling down a hill. In only a short while it doubles and then doubles again. Free yourselves of it. Be open. Be aware. Question if this is really you thinking these things. The real you. Be aware of the now and all thinking and rationalising will cease. You will feel a feeling that is beyond words. You will feel the divinity that is you. That is inside you. The divine fire and the divine spark. Free yourself if only for a brief moment. A second. A nanosecond and next time it will grow. It will become a second. Then two. Then it will just be and it won’t matter. It will be what it needs to be.
Life seems to take us by surprise. It creeps up on us when we grow up. Look at children and often you will see life lived as it should be. Lived free of the vast fears and anxieties that life, adult life, can throw at us. What do children really need? Food, a bed and somewhere to feel safe and warm. As adults that’s all we really need too but yet we complicate it into material possessions and bigger houses, warmer houses, bigger gardens and bigger fences to hide us from our neighbours and to separate us from society. It creates a self imposed segregation. The more things we have the more we feel we are doing well for ourselves but often this is at the cost of our true selves. Our true selves need nothing more than real nourishment. That nourishment is spiritual and often it’s overlooked, of course we need the same basic things as a child does too but really we don’t need more than that. We also need to feel that we belong, that we are part of something. It should be community that we should be part of, if even only a small local community or family. Family means so many things to so many people but family as a whole now is not what it used to be because of too many distractions from modern life.
So we have a choice. Do we look at the past but with modern eyes to find a way forwards or do we look to the future to find a solution? Maybe by being present in the now we can find the answers. Maybe the distractions are simply stopping the now from happening. Maybe by just being everything will be ok. Everything will balance. Life will be clearer away from the distractions. It’s like going away on a retreat to be able to be present. Sometimes we need that change of place and perspective to see that we didn’t need the change of place at all because ‘we’ or ‘I’ was always and is always there just patiently waiting to be realised.
To be present is a strange feeling. It’s what is known as ‘the zone’ in various sports or activities. Maybe we crave living on the edge because all else is forgotten about and only the moment, the now, matters and all else fades a way.
All insecurities, all fears, everything can fade away in this moment if we allow ourselves to really and truly be here. 

 I’m not sure where it will lead and even if I will edit it. I probably won’t and it is far from finished. I will continue to write more when inspired to. 

I’ve woken up a bit wired andanxiousthis morning. Actually it was that the woke me rather than waking up and noticing it myself. I’m not sure if it’s the time of year that’s causing it or if it’s just my head going off on one yet again. Who knows! I’ve been level ish for a while and had almost started to get used to it! It’s strange being level or having had a level ness for a while. Anyway back to anxiety for now. I know it will ease as the day goes on and even knowing that it still sits here churning my stomach away. I’ve noticed my ears are ringing too and at times that is a bit of a warning.  Last night I had lots of tiredness and anger but I noticed it too so was trying to be really careful about not over reacting, although I tried to go to bed at 9:30-9:45 pm but my daughter was messing around and didn’t settle until 11 pm and I still felt I needed to unwind and relax before sleeping. I w awake before 6 this morning too.    

We had a huge load of wood delivered last night and I’m really tempted to get stuck in and get it moved right now. I guess my energy levels are going up! Ah something else I noticed is my pee smelled a bit different this morning. That’s something else I’ve noticed before but kind of not taken on board as such.  Ah all these things. Who knows I might well be over reacting and noticing too much! 

I woke this morning to the dreadful feeling that is anxiety. I say I woke to it. I’m not sure if I did or if it woke me up itself. It’s horrible. This feeling of impending doom. I’m not sure why I feel it either. Who am I? What am I? And where am I supposed to be in life?  How can I even think to try to answer these questions?   I don’t know. There’s lots I don’t know. I do know we need to get off grid though. As soon as we possibly can. Buy land and get self sufficient. Fully. I need to push it. I don’t want to just jolly along in life with it being a dream. I want it to be a reality  and I know it won’t be easy at times but I’m very certain it will bring out the best in us in so many ways.  We are implementing it slowly where we are. I say slowly. These last few months have been a great learning curve.

   I guess yet again I feel like this, in part, because of customers and how they feel that they own you when you are working for them.  I would say that from looking in on it all that so many people are living in fear of so many unknown things that they don’t even see it themselves. I know I live with fears. I try to confront them. I try to understand them. Maybe that also brings out anxiety. I’m not sure. Anyway people confuse me. Or maybe I shouldn’t be taken in by them. Often they put out their best parts so that they seem nice or attractive to work for or in life but then little by little their cracks appear and they want more than they originally stated.  I just want a life that I want. Not one that others dictate I should have.    

Last night as I lay in bed about to go to sleep I had flash backs about my dada and the last week of his life. I had flashes of other times too. I have come to realise that I never fully knew my parents. I’ve also realised that it’s ok.  They never really knew me either. We form our views of people from the little we know of them and from the little time we spend with them so it’s no wonder we never fully know people. We only know our version of them. The version that we create from what we think we know and from the thoughts that we have have in our minds.  Quite often they might well be false thoughts too. Very false. Our minds a such tricksters to us.    

Anyway I know that yet again I crave seclusion and a better more wholesome life. A life ruled by living ritzy by nature and not a life of chasing money and chasing work. A life worth living.