I need to write more!

I keep forgetting to write. I think some of it is the Meds because they are affecting my memory. I’m not too happy about that part of them but I guess I forget I’m not so happy about it!  I’m giving them another month or two before I decide if I come off them or not. I’m not so sure they are for me. Level is very boring and I have less get up and go and am not so active and or hypomanic anymore. I can gladly loose the depression when it does come but the highs I need because that’s mostly all I’ve ever know.  I could do with a few months of hypomania again to get me kickstarted with work.

   Hmmmm. Meds. Ive been told I’m better on them and that my moods aren’t switching like they did. I’m told that I’m much more balanced. I had a tricky job recently and I didn’t loose the plot and kind of dealt with it although I paid the price for it with my physical health. Talking of which I have been quite physically unwell. I had two weeks off work and last week I only did short days going back to work. The first week off I had a bad case of flu mixed in with mild stomach flu. I saw the doctor and he said flu. He said to expect it to take 3 weeks to get over. I thought a few days off work then I’d be back. He was right. It’s taken the 3 weeks! After the first week of flu it seemed to go to my chest and the Monday of week 2 I went back to the surgery and saw a nurse. She was worried that I had pneumonia again and sent me off for a chest X-ray and gave me a very high dose of antibiotics. The chest X-ray came back ok and I just had a really bad chest infection. I have to go back in June for another chest X-ray just to be 100%. I think the physical illness has zapped some of my awesomeness. Fingers crossed it’ll be back soon. If it’s not then it could be bye bye medication. 

Tired. Mood stabilisers

I’m tired of everything. There must be more to life than drudgery. I don’t seem to earn enough or pay myself enough. I seem to work too much which takes part of me away from who I really am. Ive been physically unwell for the last 2 weeks and it’s made me realise that my life isn’t how I want it to be. I work too much. It’s not good. It means I’m grumpy with my family. Not good. Also I think the mood stabilisers might not be working for me. They’ve robbed me of part of myself. The prognosis for bipolar 1 is shit too. I need to feel awesome not just ‘level’ whatever level is. I’m no longer superman. I’m just man now. My wife thinks that the mood stabilisers are helping. I’m really not so sure. It was a year ago  that my dad died on Monday and I am quite aware it’s affecting me. Maybe more than I realise. I’m feeling quite emotionless at times now too. I need to escape. To get away. Life fucks me up. I don’t have the energy I used to have. Who am I now? Am I still me? Who have I become?