as the title says. 

I’ve been thinking I’m pretty level of late but im never fully sure. Reality to me is hard to work out now. At times the smallest situation can confuse me. Last night I sat at the dinner table with my wife, she had had a few glasses of wine, and we were talking about the news yesterday that 3,000 kids have gone missing in the first 9 months of this year in Greater Manchester. It felt to me like she was actually mocking me and goading me into a situation where it could end with an argument or disagreement. She kind of brought some stuff up that I used to go on about last year. Conspiracy type stuff. I know some of it is actually true, but last year I was pretty caught up in it too much and probably pretty delusional. The last thing I want or need is to be goaded about it or by it. That’s how it felt. I’m sure she won’t remember it today though. I know a couple of weeks back we all watched a second part of a documentary when she had drank a bottle of wine and the next day she suggested we watch the second part completely unaware that we had watched it. Anyway I don’t need to feel mocked, that’s just passive aggressive. Unless I read it wrong but last night and today I’m sure I read it correctly. 

So what is the ‘meaning’ of life? Is there a meaning other than just living. How vast is the universe really? Does it only expand when we can see more? Like we create it’s reality. Like we create our own reality. Is reality really real?

 I dreamt a rather strange dream last night. We were in my father in laws car and he went straight into a field and carried on and then further still. There was snow and it was night time. More to it than that but it was strange. Sometimes my dreams change when my moods change. The moon is waxing too. I should keep a check on it all. 

Sometimes life gets far too confusing for me. Today I had a tricky text conversation with a customer. It completely baffled me. Oh well. Some people.  Life is life. All is good now. Things have a way of working themselves out. They always have. Intuition is fantastic. Live by it. 

It’s a lovely clear start to the day here. A beautiful autumn day. I’m feeling good. Life’s good. I’m finding a nice balance to things. Long may it last. Life is precious and special yet at the same time it’s just life. Life goes on regardless. Quite often we forget about our divine nature. We have divinity within us. We are divine beings. The universe is an amazing place. Everything came from nothing.  That’s hard to get my head around. If it all started with a Big Bang then what created or caused the Big Bang and where did the start start from? Big questions. But where or what?  I’m ready for my retreat now. I’m ready to ponder upon creation and the creative forces. 

It’s Monday morning and we are back to GMT. The mornings are a little lighter right now and this morning my wife’s alarm went off at quarter to six not quater to seven because she hadn’t changed the time on her phone. We are now headed for winter but it’s still mildly warm outside this morning. I’ve found that it’s after the winter solstice that the days get colder as they get longer.   My moods can fluctuate a bit in late January into February.  I’ve always said that the tax office plays a sick joke by making the end of January tax payment time and early February VAT payment time just after the jovialness of Christmas and its Bachinalian/saturnalia celebrations and feasts. Ah oh well the old ways continue.  

 I’ve realised that we, as a species are still infants coming out of the caves. We are like ants. We are souls inside human bodies but get lost often in the confusion of life and we’ve made it so complicated and so competitive that its actually a farce or certainly farcical. Still I can’t complain because there is real beauty in our world too. Lots of beauty. 

I’ve had a Sunday at home and not been anywhere at all. I’m very surprised. I’m feeling quite relaxed even though my daughter is shouting at me following her and her mum arguing. She came up to ask me to play a game with her, I’m upstairs meditating, well trying too, and have been disturbed.  It was my turn for lay in but I got up early with the children as I wanted to do a ritual but didn’t manage a snooze either today. My wife got up about 9:30.  It was too late for me to go back up for a snooze. So now I’ve come up for arrest and to meditate she and my daughter argued. Theresa pattern there. I’ve seen it before. Oh well such is life. I just hope I’m not too tired tomorrow. 

I’ve finished early today and that feels good.  Work was good today too. I’m feeling pretty good. Almost awesome. I’m trying to be the best I can be right now and it’s not always easy. It’s easier than it was because years ago I sought absolute perfection and when I failed I beat myself up lots over it. The taller I built the tower of myself the further it was to fall. Being the best I can be is pretty good because I know myself pretty fully now. I know I have so called weakness’ and that’s ok. Life’s ok with it and so am I. I’m very ok with being me. I’m awesome. 

I’ve not posted earlier today because things are busy. Life is busy. Things are good. Life is good.  Sometimes we either loose focus or we focus on the wrong things. Often we don’t realise that things can change. Perspectives can change too. Life is a beautiful, rich gift. I love being alive and love all of the seasons, I love the different phases of my life too.  I am that I am.  

the last few days I’ve been very etheric. I didn’t blog yesterday because I was “out there” quite away. Life is very good at the moment. I’m riding the crest of a wave. A wave that is beautiful. I’m very possibly pretty ‘high’.  Sunday night I felt like I was drunk and or high. I was so far out there. It was very strange but also quite good too. I’m not sure there’s much more to say. Rituals are still ongoing and going very well.