I’ve got a virus. I feel really crap. It’s affecting my mind and I’m paranoid and playing out scenarios in my head about countless things. Death has sprung up in my thoughts. Death of friends and family. My body aches. My head is clouded as is my mind. I’m bunged up. I’m sure I’ve pissed people off as is often the case. I’m able to question the thoughts and my thinking process a bit and also a bit of the paranoia. I’m hoping it’s just the virus as it’s coulding my thinking, my thoughts and my actions. My ears are ringing and I had hot and cold sweats in bed last night. I’m dazed. I think some things I’ve said aren’t quite right but such is life. I’m constantly over analysing myself. I’ll light a fire and do nothing shortly. I’m having a drink tonight too. Maybe I’ll drink to lost friends. Life goes by so fast.
It’s 3 years to the day that my dad died. I’ve been aware of it but I’ve kind of been trying to keepvery occupied and busy. Today I’m veryaware if it. I made a slight error this morning too. Partly because I’m tired but also because I’m highly aware of today’s date. I’ve had exceptional energy again the last 2 weeks and my sleep hasn’t been 8 hours every night. In fact I’m functioning very well on 5-6 at the minute but I’m aware that I need to bring it back in line. I will.
It’s taken some time to be who I am. To accept myself as I am. Yet I still strive towards bettering myself. Things still get to me. Things still raise emotions in me. I still react to certain stimuli and certain people/things. I’m honest with myself. I know most of my flaws. And there are many. I’m hard on myself. I’m hard on others, but less so. I punish myself. I push myself. I love hard. I play hard. I don’t suffer fools easily yet I play the fool when someone thinks they are deceiving me. I’m gifted with an IQ of 148 yet sometimes can’t remember a fucking thing. Life isn’t very fair. Most people live in a bubble. Most people fool themselves. I don’t want to be most people. I’m happy I’m me. Life is good. Not always but for now it’s good.
It’s been a while since I last posted. Life is good. I’m avoiding triggers still but need to do so less and less as very little triggers me these days. Also I know when to back away and when not to react to things. My sleeping is still good and most things are good. I have however had a few flare ups with biliary colic caused by my gallstone. I’ve seen a surgeon and am awaiting a date for an operation. It’s shown me how far I have come and how I don’t get too much paranoia these days either. A year or more ago, certainly two, I would of been paranoid that this was part of a ‘plan’ to keep me unwell and to kill me or maybe harvest organs while under anaesthetic. I have no fears like that whatsoever. I would also of feared any needles near me. I over came that when I had a blood test early last year and also when the paramedic did a blood sugar test on me. I have had to take a good dose of codeine a few times to handle the pain but that’s ok and mostly it’s not much of an issue.
I’m sure I’ll never be ‘cured’ but that’s ok too. I don’t want to loose some of the ‘crazy’ because I like it but the worst of it can stay away. All in all life is good, for now, and I don’t fear anything. Death is just a doorway anyway.