Battles within battles without

Last week a friend committed suicide.  He killed himself.  He cut through arteries in his arm. He went out of the way.  He had tried about 2 months before.  He had been in a MH hospital for a month then released and basically left to it by MH services.    It has hit me harder than I ever thought something like this could. I can’t get visions of him laying there out of my mind. Various visions.  I didn’t see him but I keep getting visions.  It’s almost obsessive.  I’m fighting my inner demons and fighting these feelings. I’m afraid of getting swallowed up.  I heard last Thursday.  He did it on Wednesday evening as far as we know.  Thursday night was a night of nightmares and broken sleep.  Friday onwards has been thoughts rolling around in the recess’ of my mind. The dark places where fear even fears to dwell.  Visions of him in good times. Him smiling.  I hear his voice calling my name out.  I’ve had some mild dark shapes that I’ve been seeing. Not peripheral but brief full glimpses.  Dark shapes and outlines.  On the beach fishing I saw shapes and things.  Mild.  Not nasty but strange and I’ve questioned it.  Last night was a not a late night it was an early morning. My sleep is going out the window. Today was away of Frodo wearing the ring.  Misty reality and drudgery.  Struggling to carry on doing what I was doing at work.  On Facebook obsessing about it.  Obsessing over countless things.  Today is almost gone.  Going beyond what and where I don’t know.  What haunts me is its nearly been me 3 times this year stopped just short of passing out with rope around my neck.  The devastation left behind even for me from him dying is the rue depths of pain. I cannot understand it even though I’ve been there.  I cannot understand it.  I cannot understand it.  It’s hitting hard.  I have to try to promise myself not to leave devastation like is for others.  I cannot ever give in if I feel like that.  Such darkness.  

Physical health problem maybe.

I woke up the early hours of Saturday morning in agony.  I tried to get up but had to lay down on the floor.  I thought I was going to pass out but didn’t.  I had a pain in my right side just under my ribs and it was nasty.  I managed to get downstairs as I didn’t want to wake anyone but my wife was awake as I’d been tossing and turning in bed before trying to get comfortable.  I laid down on the sofa and finally managed to go back to bed but still in pain.  I either fell asleep or passed out because I came around and then turned the lights out.  Saturday when I woke up I was ok.  Did what I needed to do and even went to work for a few hours.   About 4:30-5am Sunday similar happened but I didn’t try to get up.  I managed to sleep again and when I got up I had a busy day.  I phoned the doctors to get an appointment yesterday morning but couldn’t get one in the end so I got a phone call back and spoke to a GP. She said to go to hospital to get blood tests done and to see her today and that it sounds like gall stones or a bile duct problem.  She also said if the pain comes back to go straight to hospital.  I’ll see what happens today.    

I have had mild dull pain there since yesterday now and my stomach has been rumbling since then too, which normally it doesn’t.  I guess the funny irony of this is that there’s a possibility that I have a potential life threatening health issue and I don’t want it to get that far yet I have attempted to kill myself a few times.  My mum had gall stones which they couldn’t find and it led to acute pancreatitis, something I really don’t want.