I can’t remember when I last posted. I promised myself that I should keep posting regardless. I guess ive lacked get up and go. Ive lacked inspiration. My mojo has been stolen. Ive struggled. Yesterday I didn’t work. This morning I only worked briefly. Ive got loads I could and should be doing but ive not got the inspiration for it. I need a high. I know what I’m kind of doing subconsciously  I think. I think I’m building up stress so that I HAVE to pull my finger out. The last 2-3 days ive had an upset stomach too. Ive not taken vitamin d for several days either. Lacking mojo.

  Ah yes my last post was about struggling. Ive been doing that alright. Struggling that is. I need summer. I need to be high. I need to be doing 10-12 hour days and growing food. I need to be passionate and inspired. I need to stop panicking if my wife has been drinking wine. To stop overthinking that she’s cross if she’s had a drink. There’s so much I need to change. It’s crazy. I’m crazy. I’m in bed again. How can I inspire myself? I tried by setting some goals but it’s not working. Ive tried to be inspired by earning money but it’s not helping. Money doesn’t make me happy. I’m scared that I lack interest in work. How much longer can I work? I need to change to something inspiring. Maybe I should become a counsellor. Ive thought it often enough. Or study particle physics. I’m intelligent and find it hard to work out if I really could do these things or if I’m delusional yet again. I also know I can do anything if I put my kind to it.  I’m obsessing about aliens and ufo.’so at the minute. I need a holiday. I need escape. I need help. But what help? Fuck. I don’t know. I’m back on facebook and also back on the bipolar group on there. It’s crazy. I go around and around in circles. Every year is the same. Will it be like this until I’m dead? Just work, craziness and debt. I have too much debt and not enough joy now. Fuck. I need to get inspired and clear my debts. Ive close to £3000 on the credit card plus an over draft. Fuck. Shit. Am I ever in control?

still struggling. 

I’m struggling. Tired tired lots too. Too much mixed.  

I’m on a ride and I can’t get off.  Even though I want to get off I can’t.  I need to work even more to earn even more money. I’m tired. It’s not even a normal ride.  It’s a roller coaster and Even though I am an adrenaline junkie I don’t like roller coasters. I’ve been too snappy lately and far too weak and weak minded.  I’m  indecisive over too many things lately too. I need a holiday.  I need a holiday from everything.  Most of all I need a holiday from myself.

There’s death everywhere. Last week a friends partner died. She was in her thirties. Yesterday we went for a walk on the marshes and saw one of my dad’s old friends on the way back with his granddaughter who is almost 6. She chatted to us and told us that she had some bad news.  Her mum had died on Saturday.  I felt like giving her a big hug and saying everything will be ok but I dint give her a hug and everything won’t be ok.  Life is cruel like that. Very cruel. That’s 2 little girls I know of who in the last week have lost their mums.  What a cruel world.  

  I want to curl up in a corner somewhere and disappear into nothingness.  I’m tired.  Feeling like this reminds me of a reoccurring dream I sometimes have of being in a local churchyard and as I walk down the graveyard I walk into the earth deeper with each step.

   I think I’ve been punished in this life for even small mistakes. I say have been.  I mean I am being.

 Everyone wants a piece of my when I’m really high and busy and getting things done. My ears are ringing. My throat feels dry and sore again. My body is warm.  All of the signs are there yet again. Where am I headed this time.  Maybe in an hour or two I’ll be ok again. 

It’s Sunday already and I’m feeling great. Things are good. I’ve done a few bits and pieces at home this morning. Some things in the garden and some minor repairs to things too.  It’s all good.  

Yesterday ( all my troubles seemed so far away….blah blah blah ) I had a bit of strange day.  I ended up having a very confused and paranoid state as well as some mood shifts.  I went to the local petrol station and filled my van up but when I looked for my wallet it wasn’t in the glove box whee it should of been. I looked but couldn’t find it.  I was panicked because it’s the wallet with my business debit card in.  Luckily I had my personal wallet with my credit card in so although paranoid and panicked at least I could pay.  I got home and couldn’t find my wallet where it should be if not in my van. I looked in the van again after thinking it must of been stolen and there it was in the glove box. It was right where I had looked at the garage too.  Either I was so confused, I was in a real crazy mental state and a customer even noticed which is unusual, or I was bloody blind briefly or at worst aliens or magic had transported it to another dimension to fuck with me only to put it back when I went to look again.  Maybe it was aliens or magick. Things can happen like that and sometimes do happen to me.   Anyway so the rest of yesterday I was a bit mixed I would say. I was up but grumpy, wired but tired too.  

So today I’m doing kind of ok although shattered and wired again. My stepdaughter came around this morning and I was full of life and chatty which was good.  It beats me being miserable when she’s here or moody !  I felt like my mouth couldn’t keep up with my brain because my head was fast. 

It’s Friday. Woohoo. Maybe a weekend off but maybe not. Lots to do but also if it’s wet I might not be able to do it.  I should be helping someone else but it’s all outside stuff. Anyway if it’s wet or windy it’s probably a no no.

   Last night I was going to watch a dvd with my son and he wanted to watch Sherlock.  I grabbed what I thought was the box only to discover it wasn’t Sherlock I’d picked up but Surrvivors instead. I looked at it and realised I couldn’t remember buying it then I realised not only had I bought it when I was manic I had watched it all too. The whole first series. I think I must of watched it in one night or two. I can only just vaguely remember. Very vaguely at that.  Had I not of found the dvd box I wouldn’t of known about it! Then I looked and saw a few other DVDs that I can’t remember buying! I’ve also used the credit card a lot. It must be up to over £2k on it now and I think it was at zero about 6-7 weeks ago.  Luckily I’ve got lots of work on and I can get it paid off over the next few months.  I know it’s no good hiding from this shit anymore. 

It’s my sons birthday today and he’s doing well. He’s still not going to school but things are moving in the right direction to get him the help he needs.    

I’ve been a bit buzzy the last few days and also very thoughtful.  A friends partner passed away yesterday morning and I’m thinking about him a lot. I’m trying to help him as best I can and its reminded me how much death affects me.  Often it can trigger me to think about living for today and not think  too far ahead. It has caused me issues in the past several times. I’m trying to  keep a good eye on myself anyway.  

Work is going well and things are looking good for this year. I need to put my pricing up yet again. I’ve lots of work ahead of me so still a slave to the wage. As usual my plans change. I think my plans now are to save up money and get out of the overdraft and pay off the credit cards yet again….once I can get some savings together I hope to start thinking far more about off grid living again and a full permaculture self sufficient place to live.  I guess I’m pretty positive at the minute. Woohoo. Life is good even if it’s only a game. 

I had another night of broken sleep last night and I’m shattered today. I need to get some get up and go back! I didn’t get up until 7:45 and wasn’t awake until nearly 7 instead of just after 6.  

My wife is off on a course today so I am off work most of the day with our son. I have a couple of tiny jobs just to tie up so he will have to just ride along with me very briefly. I’m hoping after that’s done I can do something with him to help him learn some things. I’ll see how the weather is and if it’s nots ad we might go to the beach.

  I need to get some of my mojo back and find that inner energy. I’m feeling less than enthusiastic today and could easily just stay in bed. It’s funny because yesterday I was rearing to go.  I’ve got lots of work to get done and lots coming in.  I know exactly what could happen too….I could well go up a gear and get lots done before Easter.  It usually happens. I tail off for a few days then I inspire myself again to get cracking and get lots and lots done.  I also think I need to find someone to work for me pretty soon and help out. It’s a minefield though. I work far harder than most others do and I know that I will struggle not only to find someone who can work as hard as I do but also in the way that I do and that we can get along.  I’m a tough boss on myself let alone others! No slacking. Right it’s time to shake this sleepiness off and get motivated. 

Last night I really struggled to go to sleep. I was pretty wired but also tired. I lay there for quite a long while trying to sleep and felt really agitated. Normally I lay down and its lights out. I’m not sure how long it took but it did take quite a while.  I had a sleep late afternoon because I had been really busy all day and felt tired but I’m not sure that caused this.  

Saturday I worked in the morning and then was really busy at home in the afternoon. I was pretty high on Saturday. I managed to get logs in, wash the polytunnel inside and out, wash the greenhouse inside and out, I dug a runner bean trench and put some organic matter in it ready for beans in the spring plus other things that I can’t remember. Saturday afternoon I found hot cross buns in the freezer which I forgot I had bought then cooked two and forgot I was cooking them! Luckily my wife reminded me.  

Yesterday I washed the van first thing, emptied out lots of tools that stay at home then after my wife went to work I took the children over to my storage unit and unloaded more things. After we got home I washed up then we went to the woods for a walk and stopped off at a farm shop to buy veg and fruit. We got home about 2:30pm.  I had a snooze late afternoon then got straight up and helped my wife cook dinner.  After dinner I heated up some fruit which we had picked and frozen last year.  Then the kids had a bath and I got in the bath afterwards.  I was pretty wired and couldn’t sleep. Once asleep I awoke countless times in the night. Then this morning I was awake ages before the boiler cut in so got straight up and have been kind of busy since then. I know I was very agitated in my sleep last night. I wrote a couple of emails and also messaged my oldest step daughter before getting in the bath.  This morning I have already priced a job up too !