Its 6:41am and I’ve been up for an hour and twenty minutes. I woke up with anxiety after a night of strange dreams. I was desperate for the toilet or I thought I was. I’m feeling a little calmer now and I just need to formulate a plan of all that needs to be accomplished. I won’t let this beat me down. I know it will pass and I know I’ve been over working too.
I have put off my drumming lesson tonight as I know I will be working later than usual this week. My wife is away this weekend and I e got so much to do before then. I’ll do it. I always do.
The world is crazy. It’s nuts. The amount of people who react how the news tells them to is shocking. I am trying to avoid what is happening in the world following the events in Paris but it’s hard. It’s almost driven my mood to change. I had to have a short snooze in my van yesterday before going to meet customers. I went to bed about 7:30 last night too and then went to sleep about 9:30. My head hurt badly. It’s till aches now. My ears are ringing and I feel warm too with some hyper alertness. I’m not sure if I’m switched on or anxious or what. It is what it is.
Grief. What a strange thing. It’s dawned on me that I’m carrying so much weight inside myself. I’ve not been fully ‘myself’ for a while again now. Maybe a few weeks but maybe longer. Others think I’m ok because they see the mask but don’t see past it. They think they do but they don’t. They don’t even realise there is a mask there for me. Sometimes even I don’t realise that it’s there. A few months of being level and kind of normal or normal for me and I thought I had healed myself. I haven’t. I’m far from that. I need a holiday. I’m not sure where to or what from. Anyway I can’t grieve. I don’t feel I can or that I’m allowed. I have to keep my nose to the grindstone keeping the money coming in and chasing my tail. I fear I’ll crack again.
It’s funny really hiding from myself and from others. They should be able to see the signs but either they don’t or they ignore them or maybe they notice them but don’t say anything. I don’t know. It is what it is. I survive everything. I cope with everything. I don’t have an option of not coping. I fear that my wife has a drink problem. She doesn’t drink every. Ishtar but the nights that she does drink she will drink a bottle of wine in about 40 minutes and sometimes she drinks up to 4 nights or so a week. It has been 5 nights a week before. It’s something else that plays on my mind. Churning away. I know it’s not healthy too.
So here I am back writing stuff. I promised myself I’d write everyday when I started but it slipped. Maybe it’s a mirror of my mind. Its slipping as is my writing. Oh well such is life. I’ll cope by not coping until I crack I guess. Then everyone will wonder what the fuck is going on yet again. Hahahahhaha
The black dog is chasing me. Biting at my heals. Catching me. Hunting me down. I don’t think I’ll escape. He will devour me again. I don’t think he’s alone. I think the whole of the wild hunt are chasing me. Maybe they’ll catch me. I’m one of them. Maybe they want to take me home. Who am I? Who am I? Where am I headed? Where should I go? Can I go anywhere? Escape? From myself? I can’t. There’s no escaping myself. No heat. No ringing. No nothing. Drifting. Tired. I’m too tired. It’s always the same things. Outside myself. Looking in. Drifting. Songs in my head. I can’t remember them. Restlessness. The void.
It’s Monday again. Yet again I’m anxious. Since last Wednesday or Thursday my sleep has been poor and apart from yesterday I have been up early. Ive been going to sleep well after 1am. Sometimes it’s nearly 2am. I think work is partly to blame. Ive lots to get done before Xmas. one job I’m due to start has more work which they want me to do straight away after the original job. I think I am going to talk with them and say I can’t do it until after Xmas now. It’s possible that it could be done but it will be extremly right to do it time wise and I don’t want the stress.
I need to unwind myself and relax again. Ive been flat out all weekend. It’s been great to get things done but I do need to take stock of life. It’s no good spreading myself so thinly. I’ll end up seriously unwell again. I already fear I’m heading that way now. I hope I can avoid it. I need to keep the good level I have gotten to. To keep the flow going so well.
I’m finding I’m on facebook a lot again and need to retreat back from there too. It’s too easy to get caught up in trying to help others.