I am very aware that I may be going higher than normal. I have some stress at work and it’s tipping the balance for me a bit. I was later going to sleep the last few nights and awake a good while earlier than usual in the mornings. I’ll keep a good eye on it too. I have decided that I need to use the extra energy to get more done. I’m on a partial deadline and need to keep the customer out of the way as much as possible because it’s slowing us down.  I went in early yesterday and will do the same again this morning too. If I’m alone there I can really crack on and get loads done.  

I can’t remember when I last wrote in here but I am now on Lamotrigine and have nearly finished week two of it. Tomorrow I up the dose again by 50mg.  If I’m going into mania rather than hypomanic I’m kind of excited but so very aware that it can bed extractive too. I’m off Facebook and have been for a few days now as it an trigger me so best avoided.  As to the medication helping slow full mania down well we’ll see and I guess it will take time to get built up in me and work properly. If I only go so high then great. I’m certainly getting very distracted and agitated.

 Lots of things are growing in the garden or I guess I should say the polytunnel. Lots of seedlings are coming on here at home too. I love growing things and it can help keep me grounded. What I have noticed the last few days is I’m taking a lot less notice of things as they’re growing whereas last week I was very involved. Something to ponder on I guess. I kind of fear mania now. Especially after last time and how when the full high started to subside and it switched into complete madness of ultradian cycling. That was hell. Anyway plants are growing and I need to think about getting potatoes in very soon now. 

where do I start? Hmmmm.  Ok. I’m now on medication. I decided that I’ll never know if Meds are for me or not unless I try them. So I agreed to try them. I started on Lamotrigine on Friday. Ive started on 50mg per day then up to 100mg per day for another week then 150mg for 2 weeks and see how I’m feeling.  Well on Friday I had a brief part of the afternoon feeling level. Saturday much the same. Sunday I was very hypomanic until well after lunchtime then I felt tired, Id had less sleep since Friday night, but level ish. Yesterday was cool.

   Today ive stayed off facebook a lot. Ive felt pretty level and focused too and still had lots of energy with concentration!!  So quite good I guess really.  It is very strange though. So I’ll see how it goes. It’s been a very very long while since I felt level. I am still quite hypomanic in the mornings though but in a good way. I think I could get used to this, even though to start with it feels boring! Haha  

Ah!  More news. Just over a week ago I did a me Sa home IQ test. Years ago I did one abd scored 136. I expected lower seeing as I’m older and it was maybe 20 years ago. Well it wasn’t lower. Quite the opposite. 148! That’s in the upper level. The  highly gifted level. The genius IQ level! It’s funny really.

I can’t remember when I last posted or if it was worth posting. Anyway. It doesn’t matter.  Ive been hyper manic. I feared it would start going into mania. So tonight I lost it. I popped. I know it can happen buy it upset my family and it upset me too. I start meds on Friday. Lamotrigine. I’m hoping they will help. I’m not sure they will but it’s worth a try. So where was I?  It’s been a very weird few days the last 2-3 days. Ive upset people. Ive fallen out with people. Ive shut people out. Ive blocked people. Bonkers bonkers bonkers.  Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. I talk too much shit. Oh yes. I did a Mensa home test on Sunday. I finished it with s few minutes to spare too.  It’ll give me some idea of what my IQ is. Last one I did when I was maybe 16 registered IQ of 136. Who knows what it’ll be this time. Probably rubbish. I’m tired. I’m so tired of things. 

Yet again I’m back to feeling superb after a day and a bit or so of feeling very mixed with a lot of anger too.  It’s good to be back here and I need to get my diet even cleaner and my sleep back on track again. I also need to keep a closer eye on myself and keep blogging away. Noting down feelings and triggers is a great way to become more aware of them.    

I am not sure that I will be accepting the offer of medication from the psychiatrist for now. I’m pretty sure I will still have the offer open for the future. For now I need to get my head back on track fully myself. I’m sure medication he,ps lots of people but I’m fearful of clouding my mind and it’s free thinking. I know I’m different and I know I’m wired differently too. I accept that. I accept that sometime I’m unwell and that I have to take time off work too. I also accept that I work too hard and too long a lot of the time.  I’m going to slowly make some changes and keep moving forwards with life and with business.    

I enjoy being me even though not everyone else likes me. Haha. That’s life. I can’t please everyone. I never will and I have to accept that too. Also I get angry at times and am going to start working out and exercising again because it really helps me control anger and aggression.  I don’t think I’ve dealt with it enough or acknowledged it fully either. I’m becoming a better version of myself all of the time. Life is good again. 

I saw the psychiatrist on Monday which was great, funny and very good. She told me I have bipolar 1. Id figured as much myself. She also told me I’m hyper manic. Yep. Knew that. Haha. I’m feeling awesome again. I didn’t realise the depression had gotten a hold on me again.

So the psychiatrist wants me to consider medication to stop or slow me from the full mania. I explained what I don’t want from Meds and that didn’t leave much room for suggestion. In fact it only left one med. Lamotrigine. So I’m actually considering it. If I can keep the most awesome parts of me but loose deep depression and the worst parts of mania then I’m in…but it’s not so simple. Side effects. Hmm. Id rather not have any thank you very much but they do go hand in hand with any chemical introduced to the body and brain. So I have a few days to do my own research before she calls me back to talk further. I would like another face to face really but I know that mental health in the UK is very stretched and it’s probably not easy to get an appointment. I’m sure she would enjoy another meeting as it was highly entertaining for both of us. She was a little surprised that I’m intelligent and know my stuff. Lots to think about.