It’s Friday already and I’m finishing a little early as I have to go look at some work.  It’s funny that I have so much work on but just don’t seem to have any money coming in.  I told a customer almost 3 weeks ago that I was ready for a second part payment but it still isn’t in my bank sio I have had to go off from that job to do some other bits and pieces to get my cash flow moving inwards.  I have VAT to go out soon and I also have my monthly accounts with builders merchants that need paying. I think on e next big  job I will split payment into 4 instead of 3 and will state that unless payments are kept up to date I leave site. It’s funny that the electrician has been paid in the meantime but I’m still waiting.  It’s playing on my paranoia hugely because the customer joked with me a few weeks back that they are bankrupt. She reassured me that they aren’t but I’m still waiting for money and still anxious and paranoid about it.  Oh well maybe it’s time to think about selling up and buying land and getting close to self sufficient. At least the stress then would be more under my control.  I guess even though I know it was a joke it’s still eating away at me.  Coupled with the lack of cash flow it’s probably what’s doing it.  

Mornings are tricky at the minute and my anxiety is higher and I seem more tired and low but once the day gets going I seem to life and get more energy.  I think last weekend is catching up with me too.  Oh well all I can do is suck it up and crack on.  The psychiatric nurse on Wednesday told me of a couple of websites mood juice and five ways. I think they’re kind of like CBT. I told him how I use mediation and CBT techniques to help. It is what it is. Hey ho. 

The older I get the more I realise that I am unwell and that stress triggers it. i try to avoid the stress as much as possible but I don’t think it fully works. It’s all a circle and I go around and around. Each year I get high and low around the same times and I have noticed the patterns of how work gets busier at certain times and how I can be high then and take more on. I take more on so that I can earn more to try to get ahead but then I become mentally unwell and any headway I makes swallowed up. I want it all to stop and end. It’s too much. Everything is too much.  Yet again I’m at the stage of wanting to run away and hide. Yet again I’ve got debts and anxiety caused by them. Yet again I have tried hard to get ahead.  I can’t see where it ends anymore.  It’s endless circles. Everyone says how well I cope and so on but inside it’s a different story.  People take me for a fool but I see there scheming ways.  I see what they do and why. I see how people think I’m foolish and think I don’t see.  I know some of it is paranoia but I also see that it’s beyond that. I see that the paranoia is actually heightened awareness and that I’m highly tuned in.  Either way I’m punished. I’m not fully sure yet what or who does the punishing but I will figure it out and overcome it.  Everywhere I turn people try to control things. They try to control others. It’s an endless world of stacked pyramids of false control over others.  I see it. I just need to see the top layer and the top of that top layer then I an cut it down and bring real change to this world.  

Work stress’ me.  I need to control it better or who knows what will happen. Who knows indeed. 

Everything is pretty ok but I’m getting paranoid about money. It happens a few times each year and every time it happens I panick. I’m due a stage payment and it’s making me overthink and get paranoid. Paranoia is a shitty thing because it eats away at any se so le thought patterns and flows and replaced them with dark thoughts about people screwing me over or people trying to trigger me. I think people are manipulating things to get to me. It can be anything, stupid things, and it sends my brain I to overthinking. At least the weather is good because if it was full of rainy I could slip down. Why do I go around in circles? Life seems to be me going around in circles. I try to get ahead and work to hard then become unwell and get behind. I’m tired of it. Tired of always fighting for every penny. We have a boiler that’s leaking and could end up costing £3k. The car had some issues and has a leak again. Ive no money to fix the boiler. Why does it always happen that I have no money? I guess it all goes back to 2012 when I lost so much. Maybe even before that. Since then ive been fighting my way back but when I get near to getting back another wallop happens and then it’s back to zilch. I want out of this rat race. It’s all fake. Everyone is caught up in its falseness. It sickens me. I need to get off grid and work less. We work all our lives chasing money and dreams and paying tax. It’s too much of a struggle and too fake. Money is created out of thin air. It really is. Crazy. We’re killing the planet and killing countless other species daily yet most don’t give a fuck. They’re chasing the false god that is money. What a sick species humans are really. Killing each other over greed and letting others did needlessly. Ive had enough. I want out of this sick system. It’s broken. It’s fake and it’s stupid. 

I never seem to post much these days. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because my memory seems pretty shit lately. I’m not sure if it’s the medication or the payback for the mania late last year into this year. Anyway I think I don’t post because I forget too. Also I’m growing lots more food and I think my brain is caught up with that a lot. Talking of medication, I’ve lowered it to 100mg from 200mg and it’s much better and I don’t feel like a zombie anymore.  

Ok so back to bipolar.   Hmm. I’ve been feeling pretty good lately although today has kicked the shit out of me and I’ve yoyoed a bit. The boiler at home has a leak which has gotten worse, the car has a water leak now too. And now the exhaust on the car is blowing. I have almost zero money in the bank. My wife hasn’t been paid and there’s hardly any food in the house. When will it all end? Why do I have to fucking struggle so much and why the fuck am I constantly punished. How come everyone else seems to have newer cars and things and never seem to struggle with money at all?  How come they seem to. Breeze along through life and their shit smells like roses? What have I done? Someone please tell me because my fight has almost gone again and I can’t keep having all of these knocks in life. I work fucking hard for fuck all. Why?  I’m so tired of putting on the smiley face and having to jog along pretending it’s all ok to everyone. I can’t even be bothered to do pricing or bills right now and I want to fuck off and run away again. I can’t keep pushing myself at work and life just to be tired and worn out and feeling like I’m going nowhere. I’m actually sick to death of it. If this is all there is to life then what is the point in it all?