It’s Christmas Day tomorrow. I love and hate this time of year. There’s a whole lost of why for both sides of it. The stress that is parents place on ourselves is absolutely stupid and crazy. The stress others put on us by telling us to do this or that ‘because it’s christmas’. The ‘trying to do what’s right’. The buying of presents and trying to keep to a budget but feeling shit as we’ve only spent £X pounds etc. I love my kids and do love buying them Christmas presents but I don’t feel it has to be Christmas to tell them I love them, treat them or spend time with them. So much tears at me. I wish my parents were alive to see my kids grow up. It really does deeply sadden me that they won’t know the grandparents on this side of the family. I feel I was let down in some ways as a kid and now feel that I’m kind of letting them down as my parents are dead. It’s crazy. It’s stress. Hey ho.
As the day wears on I’ve lifted slightly. Slightly.
I’m sick of all the shit in my life. Next year, early new year, I’m going to be making some very drastic changes to my life. I need to be better at protecting my kids. I walk on eggshells. It’s funny how in a family everyone seems to have an issue that needs addressing bar one person. There’s a common denominator in it all yet that common denominator is the one who refuses help and refuses to admit any faults. Yet they are the ones always finding issue with the others. It’s going to stop. It’s going to finish. No more passive aggressive or aggressive behaviour, especially when drunk or 2-3 days after getting drunk. The patterns are there. They’ve been shown yet nothing is done to rectify. Enough. I’ve had enough. It’s also tipping my mind now and I’m needing less sleep. I was awake at 3am and ready to get up. How I got back to sleep I’ll never know other than knowing it wouldn’t be good for my mental health. I’m skint. This house bleeds me dry mentally, emotionally and physically. Fuck it all. It can all fuck off. I’m sick of working hard for nothing, zero, zilch.
How to know when or if. Drudgery. Blah blah blah. Is there a castle in the sky? Is there a meaning? A higher meaning? Is it all convoluted ? Brackish waters everywhere. Tread on or be trodden on. It’s breakjng down. Signal faint. Is there anybody out there in there.
I think I’m slipping into a bit of depression. It’s been quite a long while. I think it’s due to the op. Post op depression. The anaesthetic etc have worn me out a bit. I’m back at work again, I shouldn’t be but needs must, although I’m going very easy and doing part days. Money is fucking tight. How we will cope over Christmas I don’t know. I might work between Christmas and new year which I’ve never had to do before. I guess everything is catching up with me. Fuck it
Yesterday morning when I woke up I remembered I’d had bad dreams and broken sleep and had a slight pain in my side where my gallbladder used to play up. I figured it was aghast pain and maybe the cause of the dreams coupled with the after effects from the operation. That was until I had a look on Facebook. I looked at the memories bit on there and yesterday was 2 years exactly since the first attack of billiard colic and the start of my gallbladder issues. Maybe the body has a memory that we don’t always register? Who knows. Anyway I stayed in bed all day yesterday until evening. I did fuck all other than sit on Facebook or YouTube. I couldn’t be arsed with anything and my mood wasn’t great. It was a wet horrible day too so that didn’t help. Today I’ve already been out in the woods for a mile or so walk and already been ticking things off my to do list for today. It’s satisfying. One way or another I’m going to go to work tomorrow even if it’s just for a few hours. I can then form a plan from there. I certainly need to be getting the money in. Progress with the after op recovery is going well mostly and I still have pain and some swelling in my lower stomach so I’ll keep an eye on that. I’m hoping that’s all it is and that I’ve not torn something internally. Maybe I’m expecting my body to heal faster than it can as its only a week and a half since the operation.