I’m sat here contemplating my life. What have I actually done with it?  I feel like I’ve done nothing.  Summer is pushing towards autumn and for the first time I fear winter but not because of possible depression. No. Other reasons.  My mood has slipped a little but I know why.  I was slightly late going to sleep last night.  I had to kind of force myself to shut down or else I don’t know when I’d of slept. I felt wired but thank fuck I realised it.  Tipping points creep up but are mostly noticed now. I watched the last episode of something last night and it’s certainly played on my mind.  I’m not afraid to admit I actually welled up a bit and had tears run down my cheek. Partly it was the series  I’d been watching but also things it brought up for me.  More things I thought I’d dealt with but obviously they will crop up from time to time unexpectedly.  The reasons it hit me was the good acting but also the scenario near the end.  It reminded me a lot of my mums death quite a bit even though it was slightly different but also very similar.  Mental pain is a complete cunt that’s for sure.  I’m going to carry on preparing for what winter might well bring.

On a lighter note my veg are growing well and I think it’s going to be a bumper year for pumpkins and butternut squash.  Cabbages are doing great too plus beetroot.  Some good in my world I guess.  

Edit: I’m shocked to have just seen how many subscribers there now are to this blog. Just under 32,000! That’s fucking crazy. I know there’ll be bots on that list but fuck me that’s a lot.  Unreal. 

this year is flying by like most years seem to these days.  I’m working lots as usual. Luckily I’m clearing debts and hopefully I’ll only have the mortgage as a debt in the next few months.  I’ve cleared a loan and have almost cleared my credit cards off.  It’s a relief.  A load off my mind.  I’m getting set for winter because I’ve a feeling it’ll be a fucking dodgy winter. I don’t think it’ll be just the virus either. The economy is fucked.  I think we are heading for a depression.  We’re already in recession.  Regardless of all of that life is good.  

It’s been a while since I’ve thought about writing thoughts down.  So much has changed for so many of us this year.  Lockdowns have driven some to drink, some to exercise and some around the bend.  I’ve worked throughout lockdown.  I’m lucky because I think I’d of lost the plot. China is now flexing its muscles in Hong Kong and on India’s border as well as telling the UK to behave or face consequences. Where the fuck is it all heading this year? Each month seems to have some level of shtf about it.  Luckily I’m not letting my mind run away with me too much.  It could easily do so.  I’ve even taken 2 days off work, today and tomorrow, to try to rest a bit.  I’ve been working 10+ hour days and working some of most Saturdays too to try getting ahead for whatever winter will throw at us.  I’m clearing debts too.  Such strange surreal times we are living in.  Thankfully I’m remaining reasonably sane, as sane as I can be, for now.  I don’t intend to lose it either. I guard it closely now with a watchful eye.