It’s Sunday today but it’s like a Friday or Saturday for me. I worked yesterday and have just been in to clear that job up. From now until Friday afternoon I’m off work and go on solitary retreat tomorrow. I’m Mentally preparing. I’m feeling good and the high didn’t last too long. I’m taking back my mind and taking back responsibility for it. I’m in charge now. 

I think I’m going up on a high. I had a trigger last night which affected me a fair bit, it really played on my mind, then my thinking started speeding up etc a fair bit. I thought I’d struggle to get up this morning but I was awake early. I had to force myself to bed at about 12:45am. I lay there on my back for awhile meditating before rolling over to go to sleep. That’s almost 3 hours later than normal. I normally go to bed at about 9:45-9:55 pm and got to sleep about 10:10-10:15 pm.      That’s not so good.  

 I’ve got cold sores starting to form up my nostrils and my head feels different. My ears are ringing more than usual and my body temperature went up last night too. That’s often a sign. I figured the body heat was from a meditation and breathing technique I was using but I’m not sure. Maybe I’m going up or hopefully I’ve just had a mini high. I’m not sure, but luckily I’m on retreat next week so I can unwind myself. I’m Starting to feel the Christmas stress too. The pressure of spending money we don’t always have on things that aren’t needed to celebrate the birth of someone who there’s no actual evidence for in the very strict Roman record keeping system. Also if Jesus was actually born there is no definitive date of his birth. It’s more likely it was in spring rather than around the old pagan midwinter solstice/Bachinalia celebrations. The story of his life almost mimics Mithras. Anyway let’s not get into religion. 

I’ve not got much to say this morning.  Mentally I’m preparing for the retreat. 

who am I?   I’m not what I do to earn money. I’m not just a parent. Im not just someone who pays their bills.      

Who am I?  

 It’s fundemental question that should be asked often. It’s a form of meditation. Strip the layers away. Strip away others projections. Strip away our parents ideals. Strip away false indoctrination. Strip it all away. Strip away our parents beliefs that were projected onto us. Keep peeling back the layers, the skins. Keep asking “who am I ?”

I’m still feeling normal. I’ve lots of work on so I guess that’s good. Luckily I’m managing it well at the moment so I’m not stressing myself out. I think stress is a huge key in triggering me. It’s been so much easier at work since getting rid of the lad who worked for me. I’ve realised how much he cost me financially and mentally. Not being rude but he wasn’t the brightest person either and towards the end I honestly think he was trying to get the sack because he was getting lazier and making foolish mistakes, mistakes I think might of been on purpose. A few small things went missing too and that’s something I never thought he would do. I guess it goes to show that you don’t alwaysknow those who work with you that well. I think the way forwards is using help when I need it.   Financially things are turning around.  I’m not paying a wage of nearly £900 per month for work that’s substand or that needs doing again, so I guess I’m saving time and money. Long may it last!  

Things are going well. I’m looking forwards to my solitary retreat next week. I’ve not had a week off since last Christmas. 

I’ve noticed that the last few days I’ve seen things. Sometimes they’re in my peripheral vision but sometimes almost direct. I’m not sure if this is because I’m not feeling 100%, if it’s because of how my mind works, stress or my rituals and magical workings. The other night I noticed a pale white wispy cloud over a book I’m reading, almost like it came out of the book itself. Maybe it did. I’ve noticed shadowy shapes too, to the side of me, mostly in ritual.

My sanity is very good and very clear at the moment. I’ve been on a good level for a while too. It almost  feels like the mood and emotion swings I’ve had weren’t mine but were in a film I’d watched. I do have to keep a check on them though. I’ve had a few wobbles or glitches but other than that I’m good.  

 I’m thinking of investments and savings etc a fair bit lately. I’m trying to straighten out my money matters. I’ve not been able to do that for quite a while. I’m also starting to accept lots of things that have happened in my life too. I’m kind of letting them go, as much as I can, maybe they’ll creep back in at some point but for now I’m letting them go. I’ve let several people go too, which has been easy and hard all at the same time, such is life I guess. 

I’m not sure what time I woke up this morning but it was early. I lay in bed cat napping for a while before getting up.  My dreams were slightly strange too. I’m still not feeling 100% either. Oh well such is life.

Next week I’m off on a solitary retreat. 

Earlier today, this morning, it was me who was the grumpy person. I’m feeling better now. All is well. 

I’ve had a lay in and haven’t long been up. I’ve gotten up to a daughter stamping and sliding around the house making lots of noise with roller shades on, a son who is irritating his sister and being rude and a grumpy wife, our cockerel had been indoors crowing and had just been put outside as I was getting up. My wife thinks that I’m being grumpy. I get one lay in each week, but sometimes not that as often even get up first on a Sunday, and usually I’m woken up by all of the noise. So I guess yes I’m a little grumpy.  Bloody people. Oh and I’m not feeling 100% yet either.   Bah fucking humbug. 

I’m tired. I’ve had a lazy day today.