I wrote a blog post recently but after it had been up an hour or two I deleted it.  I was saying in it  how shit my life is.    It’s still not great and I’ve had a few hiccups but things will settle again.   My sleep hasn’t been great and I’ve noticed a few of the arming signs and I’ve been triggered a bit too.   I’ll survive.  I’ll thrive.  I’ll grow again.  I am contemplating coming off medication as well.   I will have blips on them or off them.   Who knows.   I might just stick to them.  

Things are good in most respects of my life but I guess I strive for perfection in some areas.  Not only are we still fishing but we have now  also joined a casting club to get better technique and distance in the field which we can use on the beach.   Since last blogging some things have changed in that respect.  I’ve now been in 2 tournament casting matches. More practice needed.   I like my life to be busy.   

The past constantly crops up for me.  Childhood led to the bipolar and complex ptsd.  Things get weird.  Thoughts run free beyond. Tiredness envelops waking wonder.   Glory.  Consciously unconscious.  

I’m keeping myself busy with life. Work is busy. Growing food keeps me busy.  Fishing is keeping me busy.  I think I’ve been mentally avoiding so much. One thing I’ve avoided is that the 11th July was my mums birthday or would of been if she were alive.  Death.  It comes to us all and most of us will ever know when it’s coming.  Some choose when though.   I ran out of coffee a week or more ago, I’ve got some again now though, and I take the minimal amount of Lamotrigine that I’m on when I have coffee in the mornings. A few times and for a few days I forgot to take it as I’d not drank coffee.  The coffee serves as a reminder of it too.  Anyway I think I could come off the meds anyhow.  I’m not sure I need them now as I cope well with most things in life even though it’s often getting by by the skin of my teeth.  So am I avoiding shit or am I just living life? What a fucking quandary. I’ll go with a bit of both and a side order of garlic bread. It is what it is.  The only person I run from is myself.  

I’m not feeling too motivated and not feeling like I can be arsed with much.  Work is busy but mixed at the minute. One job I’ve been doing have asked me to do more pretty much straight away. I agreed and rearranged work accordingly but now I’m not sure if everything will be here tomorrow and if not I can’t get on. I’ll take a few days off. I can’t be arsed either way.

 I had a drink Saturday night.  It’s affected me and I feel crap. I feel depressed or the start of it.  Stupidly I drank last night too. Drink hits me a few days later and affects my mental health. I’ll feel really shit later in the week once last night hits too.  I’m stupid. I know it affects me.  Self punishment.  Again.  

Earlier I felt like I was breaking. Maybe I am. My plans from late last year have gone to shit. I’m still in my business overdraft. I’m still in my personal overdraft. It sucks. The harder I work the worse it seems.  I think I’m still broken from a couple of years ago and that shit still fucks me up.  Shit doesn’t go away for me. I guess it does for others. Lucky fuckers.