I’ve realised how much work takes its toll on me. I’m feeling very relaxed today and have spent a fair amount of today outside with my son doing some black smithing and forging. He’s almost 11 and wants to be a blacksmith when older. I’d love for him to choose something like that, something he’s passionate about. Life is good and if we have passion for the things we do then life is rich. He loves it and he’s very careful with the heat and fire.  

Today is New Years eve and lots of people plan resolutions. I’m not planning any. I’ve realised that if and when I decide to change things then I will. I’ll do it when I’m ready and when I know the time is right and that I won’t fail, although failure isn’t always failure in the end. Anyway I’ll continue going my way as always.  

I’ve been feeling pretty good for a while now and that in itself is fantastic. Long may it last. If or when my mood changes I’ll try dealing with it then. I’ll not tie myself in knots trying to preempt it. 

It’s almost New Years eve or old years night as we say in Norfolk. I’m not making any resolutions because if I want to change anything about myself or my life I can do it any day of the year. I’m not saying that it’s not a good idea to have resolutions it’s just that I change when I want and sometimes when I don’t want too. Sometimes I change hourly. I’ve been away in London until last night and I’m finding that each time I go there I like it more and more. It’s great place to visit but most important was the people I saw. They are most welcoming and kind. One thing I do notice about London is that people avoid eye contact. I try not to be rude or stare but I do try to have eye contact and to smile at them and often they smile back too. 

I’m starting to feel like I’m relaxing more now. Last night I lay in bed in full awareness and communicating with my holy guardian angel. I completely relaxed my body and mind. I went to the true nature of mind, to pure openess. Anyway  I’m feeling more relaxed.  It’s interesting how certain things come through in pure awareness and how my mind doesn’t follow them at all.  

Yesterday morning I had a strong coffee with 2 sugars in it. It gave me a slight energy boost and it levelled me at the same time too. I’m glad it did. I’m aware that it can affect me a couple of days later though.    

We are off to London today and I had to do a very quick fix it job on the car last night because we hit a deer on our way back from my wife’s mothers last night. My wife was driving and I saw the deer peep out of the hedge. I said to watch out but my wife thought it wouldn’t jump out for some reason and didn’t slow down. I should of been driving. Anyway I got out to check the damage and the deer, a Munt Jacks deer, lay there still a short distance behind us. Then I saw it start to shake its legs in pain thrashing around. We saws car coming towardsusand two cars coming from behind. One of the cars from behind hit it and killed it, the driver stopped to check we were ok and he and I went and layed it in the hedge. Poor deer.  

Anyway the car is patched up and kind of ready to go. 

I have realised that I have no feelings about christmas. I used to get excited about it but yesterday seemed like just another day, albeit one where lots of money had been spent in the run up to it. I used to start getting excited 3 weeks before. Mostly I’ve felt tired. Tired of work and tired of the stress of life. I’m not being cynical. I think I have just come to a realisation that each day is just a day. It started on my birthday I think, I turned 40 this year, but maybe before that. I think I’ve felt some kind of disappointment about my birthday and also about life to a degree. I think it has built up over the past few years. I got 4 birthday cards for my birthday, neither of my stepdaughters sent me one. Maybe that says a lot. Maybe I am getting cynical or maybe I’m seeing the world as it really is. Maybe there isn’t all that much feeling in the world, real feeling. Maybe the world just is. Anyway the deeper I go into understanding myself and my spirituality the more I can see the extremes of polarity in the world. Maybe for now my joy has been sucked out of me. Maybe I too have allowed myself to slide from balance to one polarity. Anyway I feel disappointment. Probably disappointment in myself more than others. I’m certainly not relaxed. Not at the moment. It’s a good thing that I did my 5 day retreat otherwise I might be in a deep hole.

  Christmas to me has become out of my hands and stressful for several reasons. I’ve not been fully relaxed since my retreat. I’ve ended up working bloody hard up until Tuesday night, I’m like a coiled spring and tomorrow we go to London for a few days. I don’t usualy unwind until after Boxing Day but it will be after we get back from London that I can start to unwind now. My wife will no doubt read this and think I’m being selfish. If so then that’s up to her and that’s her opinion. Other than my retreat and bank holidays I’ve not had time off work since last Christmas of 2013 and if you include all of the Saturdays I’ve worked it nullifies those days off too.

I need to unwind and relax fully. I’m starting to get narrowed views and feel negative. Enough for now. 

I finished work yesterday for Christmas until 5th January woo hoo. I worked 3 days more than I had hoped to buy I huessthats how it can be running ones own business. Anyway work is all finished. I’m relaxing a little now. We might venture up the city to do a few little bits and to go to the cinema.

I’m not feeling so run down today which is a relief. I need to get some invoices made out soon and get some money in. To be honest though I can’t really be arsed, but having said that I do know I need to keep on top of it all otherwise I’m owed lots and won’t have good cash flow. 

My concentration has slipped. I’m not doing morning ritual or evening either. I’m not meditating. I’m not sure if this is because I’m so tired and worn out from work or not. I need time off. Luckily I took the time to do the retreat a few weeks back or I’d be even worse now. I’m coming down with a cold too, so I know I need the rest. I’m going to try to get finished as early as possible today. It might still be 4-5pm though. Who knows.

Tomorrow we need to go back up to the city to do some more Christmas shopping. If it wasn’t for having children then I really wouldn’t bother too much about Christmas. I’m not being mean or grumpy it’s just that I don’t like how it’s all about spending money on people rather than spending time with people. There’s too much pressure placed on buying things now. I’m sure I’m sounding old and grumpy but it really does seem that way.  I might draw some money out of the bank tomorrow and give to some homeless people so they can maybe get a bed and breakfast tomorrow night. Last year I gave a homeless couple money to be able to do that. I’m not sure if I do it to feel good myself, if I do it to help them or just to do it to try to help. Sometimes the world sickens me because of poverty, homelessness and hunger but at other times I seesuch beauty in our world. I guess mostly I try to see its beauty. It’s when I’m too tired that the ugliness creeps in. 

I woke up earlier this morning from dreaming with slight anxiety. I used a breathing technique to calm myself a little. I’m anxious because I want to get finished for Christmas but still have work to do. I thought it’d be an easy lead up to christmasthis year too! Oh well all I can do is all I can do.  I’ll try getting one job finished today with only a small job to do tomorrow. I also need to arrange for some help after Christmas. 

I’ve realised I’ve not posted every day for a little while. I must make a point of doing it because I don’t want this to be another thing that falls by the wayside. It’s not always easy thought, keeping on top of things. I’m struggling mentally at the moment with work. I had hoped to finish for Christmas on Friday but I worked almost 6 hours yesterday and will work tomorrow and probably most of Tuesday. I’m feeling a bit burnt out and I fear being to tired over the holidays. We have Christmas day here, Boxing Day at my mother in laws then on the Saturday we go to London for a few days. I must relax and I must get on top of my sleep and my circadian rhythms again. Being tired is REALLY affecting me and I’m getting a head cold. Oh well. 

Last night I was reading a book about enlightenment through kundalini by Tara Springett, I’m really enjoying her books, and I entered a kind of trance/dream state. I was being given teachings and initiations by a Tibetan lama. I dreamt I was shown breathing techniques too and I was in Tibet in the Himalayas. A friend has told me about Tibetan dream yoga tonight and it makes sense. I’ve found some pdf books about dream yoga to read along with all of my others books!    I’m feeling pretty good in myself and I’m quite impressed with how I had a realisation this afternoon at work. I was tired and had decided to work late but changed my mind and left work at a normal time. A year or two ago I would of bought chocolate, energy drinks and sweets to prop me up and would of carried on. Then after a few days of doing that I’d crash and feel tired and grumpy if not ill.  Anyway I realised I should go home and not work late. I’m going to have to work Saturday anyway regardless so I might as well be feeling pretty ok and ready to unwind before Christmas duties.  I’m looking forwards to some time off work and also going to stay at my step daughters in London after Boxing Day. 

Today has been a busy, good, productive day. I’ve tried to remain reasonably present but not always. I need to relax a little more too when at work, although I’ve not hurried either so it’s all good. Work is enjoyable at the minute. Most things are to be honest.  I’m punishing myself far far less too. It’s almost nonexistent. 

 I tried to practice a new piece of drumming tonight and managed half of it. It is pretty tricky to me at the minute but I’ve only had 5 lessons so far. I’m learning  16 th’s.    

I’m doing breathing exercises in the morning along with preliminary Tummo practice too. I’m not doing the twice daily rituals like I was before going on retreat. I do feel however that the rituals helped balance me. I think I’ll start doing the kabbalistic cross and lesser banishing ritual of the pentagram again from tomorrow morning.