I have realised that I have no feelings about christmas. I used to get excited about it but yesterday seemed like just another day, albeit one where lots of money had been spent in the run up to it. I used to start getting excited 3 weeks before. Mostly I’ve felt tired. Tired of work and tired of the stress of life. I’m not being cynical. I think I have just come to a realisation that each day is just a day. It started on my birthday I think, I turned 40 this year, but maybe before that. I think I’ve felt some kind of disappointment about my birthday and also about life to a degree. I think it has built up over the past few years. I got 4 birthday cards for my birthday, neither of my stepdaughters sent me one. Maybe that says a lot. Maybe I am getting cynical or maybe I’m seeing the world as it really is. Maybe there isn’t all that much feeling in the world, real feeling. Maybe the world just is. Anyway the deeper I go into understanding myself and my spirituality the more I can see the extremes of polarity in the world. Maybe for now my joy has been sucked out of me. Maybe I too have allowed myself to slide from balance to one polarity. Anyway I feel disappointment. Probably disappointment in myself more than others. I’m certainly not relaxed. Not at the moment. It’s a good thing that I did my 5 day retreat otherwise I might be in a deep hole.
Christmas to me has become out of my hands and stressful for several reasons. I’ve not been fully relaxed since my retreat. I’ve ended up working bloody hard up until Tuesday night, I’m like a coiled spring and tomorrow we go to London for a few days. I don’t usualy unwind until after Boxing Day but it will be after we get back from London that I can start to unwind now. My wife will no doubt read this and think I’m being selfish. If so then that’s up to her and that’s her opinion. Other than my retreat and bank holidays I’ve not had time off work since last Christmas of 2013 and if you include all of the Saturdays I’ve worked it nullifies those days off too.
I need to unwind and relax fully. I’m starting to get narrowed views and feel negative. Enough for now.
