Life and it’s fuck ups

In my life I’ve fucked so many things up but I keep going and pushing ahead. The last 10 months or so have been the most trying of my life but whereas I’d normally be self depreciating in the past and say what a cunt I was and how it’s all poor me I’ve grown and moved past that. The last 10 months I’ve not only worked on pushing my business and life but I’ve been working on self too. Right now I have to take full responsibility for all of my past actions and fuck ups or else I will stay stagnated, or keep the same loop running, in my life. It’s not easy but it’s the only way I can keep growing and grow up. My plans for the future remain the same, ie get vastly wealthy, have a lot of money to retire and live off grid. Instead of those things being a distant dream I am working and planning to make them a reality. I’ve burnt so many bridges the last year and it really hurts. Instead of hiding away and refusing to take much blame I am putting my hands up and saying “yes it was me. I fucked it all up. I hurt too many people that are close to me. I took out my childishness on others because I didn’t know any other way”. It’s the only way I can grow as a person. It’s funny that I’m writing this out, I wasn’t going to because actions speak much more than words. In the past I would’ve just used words. I can’t be weak anymore. In fact I have to be strong. I’m going to put right as many wrongs as I can and that will not be an easy thing to do. I’ve hurt those who are closest to me and will take responsibility for that. I’ve also realised it all started with the death of my mum and I had never got over that. That grief is finally coming out. I always thought I had to be a man and just carry it but grief simply destroys things if shut away in the dark recess’ of one’s mind. I hardly blog these days because of the work I have been doing and am still doing both physically and mentally. I will also have to start forgiving myself.

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