The sad thing is that which goes up must come down. The older I get the more I seem to come down quicker from a high rather than it lasting a long while. I’ve been pushing myself physically and mentally again and it’s taking its toll. I’m beating myself up over my life and my past and countless scenarios that aren’t even real. The black Shuck is chasing me with his teeth dripping with blood. His blood lust is huge and he gets ever closer. He knows he will get a bite of me sooner or later. He knows my self doubts and fears. He chases relentlessly. I told myself I wouldn’t push myself like this again. I told myself I would calm it down. Circles within circles. Cycles within cycles. Every year the highs and lows seem to form a regular pattern. I fight it. I try hard to stop it or slow it but it still creeps up on me. Luckily the last few weeks have been bordering on mania but haven’t quite got there. Maybe it’s the Lamotrigine helping or maybe it happens like this every year until November and December which often seem like a haze of mania and craziness which I don’t see at the time. My mind breaks so easily now it scares me. Others are less aware of it these days too. I wear my mask ever tighter and keep things ever closer to me. I feel like a shadow person living in an alternate dimension or reality that overlaps what would and could be classed as the normal waking world. I am meant for so much more than this. I’m meant for greatness. I need to break these cycles. I need to fear less. I fear my mind breaking because it will affect my family. I don’t fear it from my own perspective because I’ve been there before and it is what it is. It’s already fragmenting into pieces. It’s like a person who has planted lots of explosives and sits back calmly and pushes the detonator while smiling madly to themselves. Madness is insight. Maybe that’s the key. Maybe it must be fully fully embraced. Much like death should be.
My body is feeling hot and my throat dry. I can feel the adrenaline pumping through me starting to grow. I have a good amount of work I want to get done before customers arrive on Sunday but I also realise I have to look after myself. Yet again I have put false pressures on myself and stressed myself so today and tomorrow I must relax and let things flow. I need to harness my powers but not let them tip me over the edge. I know I could tip too as I’ve been hypomanic for quite a few weeks now and although that’s normal I was borderline on manic last week but somehow nipped it in the bud. What a strange saying. I guess it comes from when we all had to grow things to survive. The bud being the opening of the flower. It’s also used to describe sex too. Anyway I’m off Facebook again as I know I will start writing crap on there and maybe even start going off on one which is kind of a problem because I get too involved in things that don’t matter and I can look like a dick. Also paranoia kicks in big time and once I’m off on a rant and looking stupid people will think I’m stupid. I don’t want that. I don’t want to look unwell either even though I fear I’m heading that way sooner or latter unless these pills do stave it off andor take the edge off. How funny that I don’t want mania again. I used to enjoy it so much and yet now I fear it. Haha. It goes to show how horrible it was last time and all of the demons it brought up. Nobody could see it either and I guess from the outside it looks like I’m busy, full of energy and attention seeking. The reality was I was seriously unwell and wanted help. Well maybe I didn’t want help. Maybe needed help was more where I was at. I certainly love the energy that it and hypomania bring and how I can achieve so much and learn so much. I need to be able to harness that and not let it destroy me again. I feel like I died and was almost reborn earlier this year. Anyway I have lots to do on this job but am also aware that I cannot make. Myself unwell over it as it is only work and I will be physically unwell too. So for today I am going to be focused and also busy yet not stupidly crazy flying around left right and centre. I need to let the force flow through me. I am indeed a force of nature. At least yesterday when I felt edgy I took myself off to the allotment for 20 minutes to unwind a little bit. I also spoke with a guy at the tile shop about off grid living too. They have 4 acres and will get pigs and sheep again next year. I need to be doing more of that stuff. I need a small holding or farm. To heal the land. Anyway I need to flow not force myself.
A friend told me I need to post when I’m high. I’m high. I’m going very high and it’s so beautifully awesome. I feel everything. I’m beyond the beyond. Ive gone beyond the stars and beyond the creation of creation. Ive crossed the abyss and usurped the dweller of the abyss. There is no abyss. It’s beyond the abyss. Beyond the beyond. It’s ecstaically euphorically amazingly awesome. Beyond. I feel like I’m coming up on ecstasy. Shivers running down my spine as neurons and synapses Fire in my brain. As adrenalin flows. As it courses in my blood through my veins feeding my body and senses. It’s heightened. It’s like pure ecstasy. Like an orgasm rolling ever faster growing in size and speed. I’m indestructible. I am immortal. The soul is immortal. It passes beyond at the physical death of the body. Death is but a window into the soul. Ive passed beyond God and broken through. The colours go beyond the White light. I am allowed to say no more. Ever watchful ever listening. The higher beings. The souls beyond souls. Death is but a door way to the autumn of summer into winter spring. Human insignificance. Cumming. Beyond all senses. Heightened heightenedness. All seeing hearing but even beyond. Beyond the senses of the senses. Crisp. Morning dew in the heavens. Blissfully blissful.